Post Op and feel like husband already not coping

Hi all

Forgive the long post - I feel like a real life 'princess' as I'm maybe expecting too much. I normally work full time and my husband has been the stay at home dad for the past year.I had a LVH on my own in another city and flew back yesterday so nearly 4 days post op.
We have moved to a new city for a year 4 months prior to this op for my work, and despite not having any family we have made some great new friends and they spoilt yesterday with a lovely thoughtful hamper and cards -

I am terrified that my family will just not cope with the impact that my condition is having. I have a 7 and 3 yr old and admittedly the 3 yr old is quite a handful.

My Husband seems tired and over it already and I am feeling teary and frustrated that things aren't as I imagined. I often think we need another woman to run things post op - as there are so many things I would hve done that he hasn't thought of. I know he has had to worry about the kids too but I feel like I still have to menu plan and time plan for him - all things he is more than capable of and does regularly, only now seems to be exhausted so I feel guilty for expecting some pampering.

I guess I thought for at least a week or two I would feel like everything is taken care of - and instead I feel like I'll be barking orders from my bed and getting up to sort out scraps with my kids to stop him from losing the plot.This is such a ramble, I jsut feel like we are having week 6 problems on day 4..he has looked after me post op before but this is obviously going to be longer and harder..I really feel that the kids are the biggest issue, but he has such a reactive approach rather than proactively trying to ward off issues and just hang out with them. He is a great dad and husband so please forgive this seemingly awful rant - I guess I just want to focus on the recovery and not play family counsellor right now. I wish he would look after himself more and ask for help (granted the new friends are work related so it's a little harder for him to make the first step, but there is plenty of offering from them)

I guess I just want to hear I'm not alone in my expectations..

Well, how to be encouraging but clear. First, your had major surgery. Relax and rest as much as you can. Healing will take time.

Second, your husband seems to be coping, but you are doing a lot of supervising, which has to be annoying. These are things he generally does and in your own words you are harping and yelling and criticizing, disappointed that he is not giving you miracles. That could destroy anyone's incentive to do more. I bet every critique causes him to do less and less.

I am sure you can see how this type of behavior can make him feel resentment. What impact does it have on the children's behavior.

Have you given compliments or thanks? Perhaps he is tired with the scared children, you, and his own feelings.

In reality, you are not a princess and he is not your serf. Sit down and talk with him and not AT him. If you want the work friends to help out, you ask them. Why wait for him to do this? They are your friends, after all. Or are you setting this up as another thing you can complain about and feel disappointed over? Another failure for your poor husband.

Bottom line? Give out what you expect to get. Seems, by your own description, your husband is working hard. A princess is not merely a person who expects to be served. A princess is also gracious and kind.

Hugs to you, sweetie. Give your husband a break. It also could be that this attitude is hormonal. Do you have a local doctor?

I only' imagined' I'll be barking orders from my bed - I haven't yelled or harped as yet. and the real life princess comment was me saying I think I'm being precious, not that I actually feel like royalty..it's a term we use in Australia when you are being a little full of yourself so the meaning may have been mixed up. I was making fun of myself.. of course I compliment him etc..I'm not telling him all of this as I thought I could vent here and work out the best way to approach it so as not to cause problems. I appreciate the time you took in replying, but somehow feel more guilty and silly now.

Could one of your friends or a neighbor, perhaps, take one or both kids for a playdate? If so, does hubby have a friends he could spend a little time with as well? After all, if he is home all day regularly, and now you're at home as well, he may need some time to kick back a little as well. I agree that if the friends are yours from work, you should ask them for some help, and not expect your husband to do that. Maybe ask him what area he could use some help with and go with that. And menu planning might in fact be something you can do from your bed or couch that would be helpful to him.

should clarify that work friends are becoming 'our' friends..and they have offered help directly to him, he hasn't been keen. I am doing menu planning and whatever I can do from my bed - he would rather I didn't but is clearly needing a break from it all himself. I clearly have very high expctations and will bring it down, I just want to make it easier for him and in turn the kids and me. I hate that I seem to be giving the impression that I don't appreciate him, I'm just tired and frustrated that I can't do what I used to, and expcting too much I guess.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by neednewlife I only' imagined' I'll be barking orders from my bed - I haven't yelled or harped as yet. and the real life princess comment was me saying I think I'm being precious, not that I actually feel like royalty..it's a term we use in Australia when you are being a little full of yourself so the meaning may have been mixed up. I was making fun of myself.. of course I compliment him etc..I'm not telling him all of this as I thought I could vent here and work out the best way to approach it so as not to cause problems. I appreciate the time you took in replying, but somehow feel more guilty and silly now.

I had no intentions of making you feel that way, sweetie. I'm sorry if I did. Your description just seemed so harsh to me.

Good luck with your healing. Get more help. Make those calls.

And if the emotional upheaval doesn't subside, please call your doctor.

Hugs.

Wow I feel like everyone is giving neednewlife a harder time than they should you guys. Her hormones have thrown her emotions into a tizzy and their should be some pampering going on. I think husband needs to be a little more understanding and patient. Day 4?? That was probably one of my worst days! My husband laid it out for all of our friends, as well as our own children about how things were going to be when I came home. I have 4 daughters and my husband works full-time and goes to graduate school 2 nights a week. I haven't heard a single complaint from him and he is frequently asking me if I need anything. There have been a couple of times where I thought he looked fatigued so i agree with the other ladies that you should speak up, tell him to take a break and call on one of your friends to come by and help out. You're not being a bother or an inconvenience, you are just trying to heal. God bless, Sugar.

I think it's really hard to sit back and do nothing. I'm the kind if person who is always up and about and I like my house clean. It was a little bit of a struggle at first at my house too, but I finally had to just say to myself I have to just take care of me. That meant focusing on relaxing, reading books, watching tv and sleeping. So what if the house isn't as clean as I'm used to, it'll be waiting for me when I'm up to it, it's not that important. So what if they buy the wrong butter, it's just butter. I found once I relaxed so did everyone else. I bet your kids like to be read to or would love to sit on the couch and watch a family movie and eat popcorn. It would be really nice to get more attention for yourself and somewhat pampered or at least I felt that way, but like I said once I decided I could take care of myself by not stressing about other things and learning to relax and let go, things ran smoother. This is just my personal experience we are all different with different family dynamics, but I hope it might help. Be good to yourself.

I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it at home. Not sure what to suggest that has not already been said. Do any of your friends have a teen who could come by and play with the kids for a few hours to give your husband a break during the day? You do need to focus on yourself but having a babysitter come by to keep the kids busy may be helpful to both of you. If you are like I am you cannot sit still and such but you do need to do just that, close the bedroom door and let your hubby handle the kids as he's been doing all along, perhaps your time with your children can be bedtime, go read to them and reasure them mommy just needs to heal her tummy and cannot wait to get better so she can play with them as before. Sending a prayer and positive thoughts for you.

Thanks for your replies..the thing is I DO normally speak very candidly with my husband, I even ended up showing him this thread to prove that maybe I am just being too hard on him and that some others agreed! He is so lovely he ended up consoling me for feeling so guilty! It really is just so hard to sit back when things are happening - and men tend to not ask for help, so it makes it all the more frustrating when you can see how close it is to falling apart. Everything is also exacerbated by being in a city far from our regular home - the playdates are harder to organise as most of my lovely new friends are childless, and I haven't had a chance to make many connections via the school system as I'm no longer the one picking up or dropping off. I have set up our room to be the quiet reading haven for my kids however, or they play boardgames next to me whilst I try and join in. I probably am more emotional than usual - but I did the hospital stay and travel on my own and to come back to a bit of realism in the day to day of raising two active boys with a worn out hubbie is hard when you can't help. Thanks for reading and acknowledging my vent. I hope you are all recovering beautifully. My doc is pretty sure I had adenomyosis so hope my problems are over!