I'm not handling the wait well (sorry it's long)

I have 10 days to go and I am not doing well. I know some of it is hormonal, but mostly it is fear. I am not sleeping very well. I can't stop thinking about the surgery. I am worried about so much. I am afraid he is going to find that I am full of cancer, even though I know the odds of that are really slim. I am worried about that "horrible dizzy sick drugged" feeling after surgery. It is so vivid at night I can almost feel it. I am afraid of the actual vulnerability of the surgery. I was raped and tortured back in 1993. It is hard for me to have vag exams and anything that causes pain in that region cause some flashbacks. Both my kids were born vaginally and I had a really hard time with the episiotomy pain after. It was almost the same pain I had experienced then. I am having a Vag hyst, and I keep thinking of myself up in stirrupts, exposed like that, helpless and without control. I don't want to be awake. I went through the same thing with my abalsion, but I wans't nearly as upset or afraid as this. I also keep thinking of the pain after, and if it will remind me. I am sorry I am being so foolish. I haven't said a word about my past to my doctor. Only a handful of people know what happened. I can't really tell him, there is nothing he can do about it anyway. I just needed to vent my fears. I am acting kind of like a crazy person, I am eating like mad, having nightmares, and I am weepy one minute and yelling the next. My husband said I need to settle down or I won't make it until the surgery. Of course going on pelvic floor.com did not help! You all have been really support, I guess I just need to hear that it will be okay.

Hi, Panda,

My heart goes out to you. You WILL BE Okay... just as soon as your surgery is over! It is HARD to wait. Maybe some anti-anxiety meds for these last few days? (I think it would probably be alright to mention your "past" to the doctor. ) It's true that he can't do anything about THAT; it is over -- Thank God! But he may treat and react to you more sensitively if you allow him to know that you require some extra care. Letting him know that you do is a good way of taking care of yourself -- and of taking back a little bit of "control."

You'll be 2-1/2 weeks into recovery by the time I roll up to the castle! You can cheer ME on, then!

:nose:

Oh Panda, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I will pray for you, that Jesus will wrap His loving arms around you and comfort and calm you. You will get through this and you will be OK.

I had a TVH almost a year ago (June 7), and post op I had more just general discomfort than pain. Reggae is right--you owe it to yourself to tell your doctor about what happened. He doesn't need to know the details, but he does need to know your concerns and your fears about the pain and the "dizzy drugged feeling". The doctors and the nurses at the hospital can't help if they don't know what is wrong. Don't think of it as being more vulnerable by telling them. You are helping them help you.

You are not crazy or foolish for feeling the way you do. The simplest of things can trigger memories and emotions. Just knowing that can help. Remember, though, that they are just emotions, and even though they are triggered, you choose how you focus and continue to react. And if you need help from the doctor, ie. meds right now, to help you calm down and keep your focus, that there is no shame in that. You are in a better place right now. And you are doing something positive for your health.

Take good care of yourself sweetie. You have come to the right place for love and support. Keep in touch with us all, and we will all come out on the other side of surgery stronger. God bless you.

Panda,
My heart broke for you reading your post. I agree with the other sisters that you will be best served to tell your DR about your concerns. You don't need to go into detail, just as much as you can handle. If you don't feel you can tell him, perhaps if you write it out like you have done here and give it to him to read at your pre-op visit.

The waiting period is the worst. Remember we are here for you.
Prayers and Hugs.
Nina

Panda,

Please do not worry about the post anesthesia dizzies/panic, take it from a very panicky person that it is verrrrry relaxing when you tell them that you are frightened beforehand. I am so sorry you had that happen to you, and I know that has to be so horrible to remember and it makes you feel even more isolated and alone, but know that we are all pulling for you here in cyberspace, ok? And the nurses and anesthesiologist will be very kind to you----just be open about your fear, ok? Read my hyster-story and maybe that will help, too (I was petrified of surgery).

Keep posted, ok! You are a wonderful princess, you will get through this!!
Love, Leanne/Newt

Panda (or anyone in similar circumstances), just print out your post and let the doc read it. You don't have to discuss any details, just let him know how panicky you feel. I want so much to go to you and hug you and take you by the hand right through this whole process. I will say my prayers with a special one for you tonite!

((((((((((((((panda)))))))))) just cuz...

I SOOO feel the same way you do and have the same worries. My TAH is scheduled for 6/13 - but the waiting is killing me. I sit and burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I also worry that when he opens me up he'll find so much more than he originally thought. I dream about it even. (I was diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia as well). Anxiety? Oh yes - very familiar with that too... sigh.

The one thing I'm trying to hang on to is the thought that I'd rather have them take care of any problems that might exist right NOW rather than ignore it all - you know? I'm also very grateful that I found this site - the ladies are wonderful and very supportive. Talk about a godsend! It's so hard when other people "just don't understand!"

I'm sorry to hear all you've been through - please try to hang in there. It will be ok - remember we are here for ya. You sound like a very strong person... believe you can do it!

Take care,
Rose

Hi Panda
I am very sorry that you are having all this trouble. As I read your message my heart stopped because I had it happen to me too. As I write this the news is on and they are talking about another girl being raped. If you would like to you can private message me and we can talk more. In the meantime, you might need to see about getting some medication like xanax or something similar.

I am waiting for my operation and I hate the waiting. My operation is a abdominal hysterectomy and for the reason you mentioned I think I would have trouble dealing with it too. I do agree with everyone else in the fact that you should let the doctor know but at the same time I can totally understand why you would have trouble doing so.

Keep us posted to how you are doing. We all really care. I do think we will be OK though and much better for it in the long run.

Debbie

Hello Panda

Just wanted to add that I didn't have any vaginal pain after surgery if that helps at all. I talked to others before surgery and they didn't have any either. I can also tell you that I didn't see any stirrups etc. Just got on the OR table and was put out. Didn't know another thing until someone said, "I'm taking you to your room now." I hope this helps a little. Good luck to you

Thank you for all of your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I am trying to be busy. I went for a huge grocery shop today because I won't be able to next week. I have also bought some things for my castle stay. I am getting my hair done tommorrow too, I'm sure I won't feel like it for a long time afterward. I am giving a lot of thought to talking to my Doc about my fears. It is really hard, but I am going to really try. I am taking it day by day. I can't believe I only have a little over a week!