"friend from hell".....

Dear all......

Well, can i just say that the title of this, is a reference to myself and not any friend that i have....

Does anybody else worry that this is all that they talk about???? I feel like i've spent the last few years doing nothing but talking about endo...and NOW i'm doing nothing but talk about my hyst and not having kids.....

I wonder if one day my friends and family will just scream "SHUT UP WILL YOU"...and that then i'll be too scared to ever mention it again.

Can i also say that even though i've had 13 surgeries before, one open abdominal and the others laparoscopically, that i'm SO SCARED of having this surgery done in April...i feel that i'm whipping myself up into a complete frenzy....

Am i going slightly mad????????? I'm just so scared that it won't work, and that i'll still have endo after going through all this. I say this, as if anybody has ever logged onto endo sights, it's all women with endo talk about!
And i must say that this site is a "refreshing change" as it's nice to hear that people are happy with the decisions they've made and don't regret it.


I just wonder when the time will come that i can talk about not having kids without blubbing......something i don't do in front of anybody, but seem to spend a lot of time doing alone!!

I feel that people will start to avoid me, and that they'll be running for cover whenever i enter a room.....i just feel so tired at the moment and i want the next three and a half months done with so that i can just concentrate on me and not worry about anybody else and how they are feeling.


I guess i'm just a scaredy cat....and i'm feeling so low at the minute. I hate myself for feeling like this inside and yet being such a hypocrite for plastering a fake smile on my face, as yet again i'm worried about boring anybody with discussions about my upcoming surgery.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant a little....i just wondered if any of you ever felt at least a little like this?

Blade

(((Blade))),

Prior to surgery, it was all I could think or talk about. My friends & family were lucky that they only had to endure 3 weeks of my babbling! lol. It helped me a lot to come on this site - reading & posting really helped minimize my concerns.

You are not going mad. It is very natural to be a bit consumed by personal life-altering issues. I'm sorry you will also have to mourn the loss of your ability to have children.

You might consider visiting the Aching Hearts forum on this site. You will find a lot of comfort & input from others with similar concerns and experiences.

Best wishes to you & hang in there!

Dear Blade,
I know a bit about what you're feeling. I haven't been "right" for a few years and have been through a number of surgeries and lots of tests. I'm a single mom and am embarrassed about always needing help and having something wrong.

I just had my TAH/BSO on Wednesday but from what the doctor told me in the hospital, the adhesions and endo have been at the root of my health issues. Finally, I am sooooo hopeful that this is it! I believe the future is going to be much brighter!!!

I had to wait awhile before getting medical care for this, too. I had lousy insurance with my former job and knew it would leave me with a $30,000 bill at least. So, I waited until I began my new job and the insurance kicked in, which was September. The tests and other things took awhile and then I had everything scheduled for Christmas vacation so I wouldn't miss much work.

I'm sure everyone is sick to death of hearing about my female troubles. And it was VERY hard for me to go through a normal routine. I've been in such pain and have had a lot on my mind.

Some things that helped me -- My church friends have been incredible!! Lots of spiritual, emotional and practical support all the way through and it's still coming! If you have a particular faith, perhaps try to hook up with folks at church.

Set little milestones on the way to surgery. That helped me see the end was in sight. I had projects to complete, holidays and other things on a list and I crossed them off as soon as I did them. It helped me to see that it was getting closer even though it seemed so far away!

I also became involved in some youth outreach projects and a book club. Anything that would get my mind off myself and force me to get out of the house since someone was depending on me. I was getting pretty good at staying at home, feeling sorry for myself!

I wish I could give you advice on the not having children part. I can't imagine how that would feel since I do have a child and it really didn't matter much to me if I had more. But I do know some teachers who don't have children and give all of that love and attention to their students. Maybe you can become involved in youth activities or children's charities? That way, you can touch hundreds of lives in a special way! Or, perhaps you can adopt a child! I'm the godmother of a little girl adopted from China! She's brought such joy to many lives!

Glad you're here, Blade, and know we're here for you!!! Stop by the chatroom sometime, too!

s
Julie-Anne

Well guys...lots to think about! thanks for replying, it helps so much to know i'm not alone in all of this!!

I have five wonderful god children, two god-daughters, who are 9 and 7 and three god-sons, who are 11, 4 and 7 months. they are fantastic kids, and i love them to bits.

I'm also a social worker in Child protection (oh how ironic!) and do lots of adoptions in the course of my work.

I have no worries in that score, and know that one day i will adopt. Probably a boy, but who knows.
Trouble is, i need to get over my "loss" first of all. I'm grieving for what i imagined my life would be like. And that's hard....

But i know that by having this surgery i can find some peace and get my life back. I've given too much of my life over to endo, and intend on LIVING it while i still can when i get back on my feet after this surgery.

I'm very involved with my work, and work very long hours. I read lots and watch lots of tv, and enjoy films most weekends, so i really never have a spare minute....

but i suppose the one word i'd use to describe myself is "sad". and feeling that way makes me even sadder!!
I just feel like i'm going through this alone, even though i have five very good friends who i know are there for me.....they only have so much patience and tolerance though don't they!!
That's why this website has been a godsend....

So thanks of answering!
Blade.

PS...HOW do i get those groovy little pictures?!?!?!? They are so funny!

Blade,

When you are posting, look to your left & you will see a link that says "Static Smilies List". Click on it & you will find the codes to use to incorporate these characters in your post. I usually try to preview my post so that I can correct any typos that keep the smilies from working.

Take care!

ok, i'm going to give this thing a try.....look <----- huh...ok...

I think....i just hope that this works.

How come when i'm typing in the message it's not giving me a little symbol and all i'm getting are the words???? hmmmm....something wrong with the system or me??? :cry:
I hope it's the system...i don't think i could cope with anything more wrong with me!!

thanks anyway
Blade

Believe me you are not alone with these feelings. I think it's the waiting thing plus the not knowing that drives us mad. My surgery has been postponed once already and now might be on Jan. 20th. I know people is sick of me talking about my pending surgery, especially my coworkers and my son. In fact he said just the other day, "if I hear one more thing about hormones I am going to ((&*^&%^$)". I am driving people crazy. It will only get worse after the holidays without that distraction but they will just have to deal with it because this is a really BIG deal for me. I have had 2 c-sections but that was 20+ years ago. I know we will both do fine it's just the waiting. I am so ready for this to be over too. Hang in there, we are here for you. Feel free to email me anytime and I will answer. Isn't this site the best?



TAH/BSO for mass on lt. ovary, numerous lg. fibroids, 16 cm uterus with heavy bleeding and clots. A new me in 2003!!!!

ROFL, for the last few months when my son came home from school, he'd ask, "So, how was your day and how are the ovaries? Gee, think they kinda took over our lives???? Of course, my son was quite happy when the ovaries wanted ice cream and I made a late night trip to Dairy Queen for all of us!!!!

And, as I write this, Andrew (my son) walked in the room and said, "Hi mommy, hi puppies, hi tummy pillow." hee, hee, the beat goes on!

Blade, you sound like an EXTREMELY healthy person and everything you're going through is to be expected. Just do what you need to do and don't worry about anyone else. It will all come together!

s
Julie-Anne

I am also worrying about my friends and family thinking "gee, can't she talk about anything else??" !! Several weeks ago,when I found out I needed surgery, I told my best friend. OUr phone conversation hadn't been going on more than 10 min when her hubby came home with their xmas tree. She had to get off the phone to help him, and didn't manage to find time to call me back for almost a week! I was so hurt and disappointed. When she did call back she seemed surprised that I would have been upset over it. After talking the situation over in the chat room, someone pointed out that not everyone understands the issues we are facing, or even the seriousness of the surgery. After talking to my friend, I think that was just the case. She cares, but she doesn't understand like all the sisters on these boards do.

Unfortunately, you are facing both the hyst issue and the infertility issue at the same time. Yes, they are one and the same, but, emotionally, both need to be dealt with in there own ways. It sounds to me like you are doing just that, and you will work through the anguish of what is happening to you and find peace with it.

I find it easier to talk out my issues in this forum then with friends and family. These sisters understand and can offer info and advice based on experience. Our friends and family don't have the same perspective.

Holly (HollyAnn7 in the chat room)