Very Unsympathetic Husband!

Hey everyone. I don't know where else to turn right now so I'm coming here. I'm so frustrated!! I'm 5 days post op and staying at my mom and dad's house to recover for a while since I have small children at home. I know that if I go home I'll feel obligated to take care of them and the house and that will just slow my recovery.

Ever since I got released from the hospital my husband has been extremely unsympathetic and very selfish. He is constantly making me feel guilty for wanting to stay at my parents' house instead of staying at home. He just doesn't seem to care about how much pain I'm in or how crappy I'm feeling. Everything just seems to be one big inconvenience for him. I already feel crappy, and hurt, and feel bad that I can't take care of my girls right now because of the surgery...but it is something that needed to be done. Is anyone else having problems with unsympathetic husbands or is it just mine? I broke down tonight and had a hard cry. Sometimes I just want to scream and tell him to quit being such a jerk!!

Sorry to unload on everyone here. I just didn't know where else to go.

Thanks for listening.

Hi,

Hugs to you. I am so sorry you are going through this with your unsympathetic husband. Your number one goal is your recovery and having it as uncomplicated as possible. So when he gives you the guilt trip just tell him that is too bad; your recovery in the first couple weeks is very important. I am assuming your children are with your DH and not at your parents with you? Can your parents help you out? Hopefully this gives you some guidance; I am not sure what more to tell you since I don't have children. (I only had a dog and a cat to worry about.)

Oh, Smallfry, how awful that you have to feel so bad on top of recovering from such a big surgery. I'm really glad you're smart enough to not give in, though, in terms of staying at your parents. Because it's true, either you recover well or you don't, and the consequences are not pleasant. As far as your hubby goes, who knows why they act like this. Some say they're just afraid of losing you and they need to be reassured, others say they should get a kick in the you-know-what. I do hope you'll be firm, though. And please try not to feel guilty -- if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of them, so this is how it is for now. Tell him to accept it and quit whining. (that worked for me once) Good luck and lots of healing energy for you.

My kids are grown, but I'm sure that if my husband would have to take care of small kids without me there, he would be the same. He has been "cared for" all his life, first by his mother, and then by me. I don't mind, he's a good man. DIdn't realize I cared for him too much. He can't handle me not being able to do for him like I did before surgery. He isn't mean or anything, he just acts scared to death of me, and everything I ask him for, he acts like I asked for his left n*t. lol I think this is probably what's going on with your husband--spoiled, needy, terrified. Things are better in my house now. Just needed an adjustment. Hugs

Hi Smallfry,

I know how difficult it is to recover with children to care for. I have a 5 year old who wants her Mom to be the person I was before the surgery, and I am just not there yet and won't be for awhile.

My DH is a stay at home dad and so is used to doing housework and caring for our child, but still I feel lots of guilt and probably do more than I should, and I pay for it in feeling exhausted.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself with your parent''s help because you need to recover. Children are resilient and this is a blip on the screen for them.

I wish you serenity and peace, and a speedy recovery.

Next time he gives you lip missy tell him to go to http://misterhystersisters.com/

This is the sister site for men to educate themselves on what it is we are going through, what to expect, and why it is we are in the position we are in today!
OR if he really wants to get the jest of what you went through, have him go to YouTube and view videos of our surgeries.. yes they have the vids!

Mine went to http://misterhystersisters.com/ before surgery and he had my room all done up, necessities they suggested on my end table, laundry done AND folded - the whole nine yards before I got home from the castle! He even got the kids helping him, which I was shocked because before I went in I told him "They are going to walk all over you!" lol Well, aparently that hit home because he had them in gear the whole time. I am proud.

I hope your DH stops being overwhelmed and scared so he can stop focusing on himself and focus on you... He's probably not used to being without you in the bed on top of all the added expectations that he's not used to... Try to smile and let him know you appreciate all he's doing even if he's to overwhelmed to do it with a grin.. maybe that might help

These are the things that helped me help my DH....

Don't guilt trip yourself - just take your meds and smile knowing everything is being taken care of, okay!!

~*Healing Hugs*~

I am so sorry. I had a similar experience with my husband 4 days post op and I had a hard cry as well. The bottom line is they just don't get it and never will. You are smart to stay at your parents. I think the first 2 weeks are very important. I know it is hard but try not to expect your husband to understand and try not to engage in discussions with him about what you aren't doing except to tell him your dr. has not released you to normal activities yet. In the meantime, I would see if you have some friends, family or neighbors to help him out with your girls so he is less overwhelmed and maybe won't be so grumpy about your absence. Hang it there. It will get better.

Maybe your husband just seems overwhelmed and hurt that you do not want to come home right now. I know that my husband would be highly offended if I chose to stay with my parents and not come home. Given the chance he may do a really good job of keeping up with the kids and the housework. He may just appreciate having you home, someone to talk to after the kids go to bed, someone there for support to tell him what a great job he is doing. You know I have to say that I am a person who does it all clean, cook and take care of the kids. I have a 22 month old and a 7 year old at home. I was worried about my husband. My husband stepped up to the plate and did great taking care of the kids, cleaning and cooking. It was nice to have an extra set of eyes on the kids while he was trying to get things done. I was able to relax but also spend some cuddle time with my kids. Your recovery is important however please try to see it through his eyes.

HI

my DH could be standing with your DH and well you couldn't tell them apart.. LOL but seriously.. my DH was actually good for a change... as the previous poster said "he stepped up to the plate". My kids are grown so our dynamics are different. but he really did an amazing job. Surprised me after 26 yrs.. surprised the kids too.. LOL

as hard as this is on you.. it is hard on him too. and maybe just as emotional. maybe what he misses is you.. my DH wanted me in bed sleeping with him.. (are you kidding!?!? the bathroom is on the first floor!! so I did sleep in the bed.. for two nights .. getting up every 2 hrs to go to the bathroom all night both nights. landed back in hospital fluid on lungs (nothing to do with going up and down stairs)

when we got back home he told me to sleep where I needed too.. and where ever it was he was sleeping there too... I slept on the sofa... he slept on the floor and wouldn't leave me for a week. then he asked that I sleep in the bed.. he needed the bed but wouldn't sleep with out me. as we went through this process I began to realize that this took an emotional toll on him too.

to my surprise it wasn't about sex either.. it was about his concern for me.. of all people, me!

in the end it really was all about his need to have me with him.. it was a hard emotional time for him too. and he needed me to be there with him and for him.

and if your hubby is like mine he doesn't express himself very well and it comes off looking and sounding selfish.. and self centered.. at times

don't know your DH or you .. but having just gone through all this.. emotion.. and listening to my DH.. really listening to him.. and hearing between the lines. I think that maybe the main issue.. you aren't there for his emotions and he needs you too.

can your mom come stay with you during your recovery.. or during the day? so you are there for him? and he can be there for you when he is home? think about it .. you all moved out, that house has to feel really lonely.

just my experience

Wow...you ladies are absolutely amazing! Thank you so much for everything that each of you said. It helped me look at things a little differently and I think things will start getting better now. I am going to go home tonight so I can spend some time with my DH and our girls. I've made it clear to him that just because I am there doesn't mean that I am ok to be their caretaker yet. Consider me a stuffed animal that can be gently cuddled but not expected to do anything else. During the day the girls will still go to their babysitter's house and my husband will drop me off at my parent's house on his way to work that way I'll have someone to help me out during the day. Right after I got done reading all the responses one of the things my husband said was "I just can't sleep without you in the bed next to me."

Thank you again to all of you who responded. I love this place more and more every day. I don't know what I would do without all of you ladies here to turn to at times like this!