Waiting for the other shoe to drop...I can feel it coming :( (kids mentioned)

I am 7 weeks post op today and so far I have been fine emotionally. I am in menopause but have been doing pretty good with the Vivelle dot patch but I am starting to feel like I am ready to lose it emotionally. I havent cried, at least not a really good cry, about the whole expierence. My Mom kept saying I was going to "Mourn" the loss of my uterus but it didnt happen. I was so glad that I was rid of the pain and problems that I didnt even give it a second thought. I went to visit work the other day and saw some co-workers who said I looked better (and like I felt better) then they had seen me in years. It made me feel so good.

Now, I am feeling so great physically, better then I have in at least 10 years and preparing to go back to work and looking forward to the holidays but I feel like a dam is getting ready to break. I keep thinking about the fact that this will be the last year my youngest believes in Santa and it happens to be the year she spents Christmas morning with her dad...I will get them at noon and we always say that Santa brings half the gifts to Mom's and half to Dad's but to not be there when she wakes up is ripping at my heart. I am also starting to realize that I am not having my periods, before when I missed my period it usually meant I was pregnant but now I have to face the fact that I never again will be.

I had my tubes tied in 2001 when my youngest was born and I didnt plan on having anymore kids but I went through several surgeries in 2004 to try and preserve my uterus because I felt (then) like it would mean that I "might" be able to reverse the tubal if I ever wanted to. I didnt plan on having a hysterectomy and didnt know about it this time until July 23rd and after a 2nd, 3rd and 4th opinion (all with hopes of having it be something easier to fix) I was scheduled for surgery and had it on Sept. 30th. I think maybe it went to fast for me to get a good grip on what was happening. This site helped me out more then I can explain and I thought I was prepared for all the emotions but I feel now like I am not.

Now, let me say this...I have NO regret on having the surgery, I really do feel so much better and I wouldnt change having it done. I think the problem is that my emotions are at a point where I feel like I just need to have a really good cry and let it go. Does any of this make sense? I know it sounds crazy to be happy I had the surgery but still feel like I want to cry because I had it done.

I am hoping this has happened to some of you and that it will pass and I will be fine emotionally again. I am not depressed, I still have energy to get up, find joy in my life and cant wait for the first snowfall to get here. I am planning a trip to my nephews graduation in the spring and he lives 20 minutes from Washington DC (and I have never been there). I guess I am trying to say that I dont feel as if my life is over but I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown and that just doesnt make sense to me. It is either one way or another for me usually.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I hope I can get the tears to the surface and get it over with...funny that I think they are coming but I cant actually cry yet...am I just losing my mind?

Hi Hannie!

Reading your post (and please correct me if I'm wrong!), I got the feeling that maybe you were mourning the fact that you didn't feel like mourning... I didn't mourn either, not for one second. But I've often wondered if I was "right" not to mourn! For the past 11 years, my uterus has been nothing but problems, and to finally get my life back has been amazing. I mourned the loss of bio kids when they first found the fibroids in 1998, and that was the end of it for me. But I too have been wondering why I haven't had a big emotional meltdown since the surgery... until I realized that I am fine the way I am right now, a happy woman, a blessed adoptive mom, and a thrilled girl to be able to fit in my skinny clothes again! I never felt this surgery took anything from who I am, from what I am. It just gave me back a life everybody deserves, painfree and worry-free.

But if you feel like you need a good cry, rent yourself some sappy movie, get the tissues out, and go for it! No guilt, no shame, no questions asked...



As for your youngest and Santa, why not create all kinds of magic by telling her that Santa was a bit late, and left a note saying he will pass the following night? After all, he's a busy guy! She'll probably already have had many presents, it won't traumatize her, and you will get to keep a very sweet memory. At almost 3, my daughter is just begining to understand the concept this year, and I plan on creating magic for her, the same way my parents did for me!

Hi Hannie.
I know that this might sound a bit strange, but sometimes as women we just need to cry. I have found this to be true in every woman I know. You are going to be okay and you don't have to have a reason to cry, even though you have reasons. I rarely cry (although it seems to happen more lately lol) but when I find that I really need to and haven't been able to, I rent a real tear jerker from the video store. It gets the ball rolling so I can let it all out then I feel so much better, calmer and not like the dam could break at any moment.
Hang in there hun, you can do this. BIG HUGS and blessings

Redhead65~Thank you! I think you are right that I am mourning the fact that I didnt mourn...as strange as that sounds. I feel almsot on the verge but then I think of all the things that are good about the surgery and I move on then I end up back here again. I love the idea of sappy moives...I think that is exactly what I will do. I was watching Biggest Loser last night and was tearing up at the families getting to see the contestants after their makeovers but it wasnt quite the cry I need.

I also love the idea for Christmas, thanks...I think I might do that because it would help me to see her eyes when she wakes up to it. I am so glad you were able to adopt, it is a wonderful thing to be a parent and she is very lucky to have you. You have many years of magical memories to make for her...be careful though, it flies by so fast it is scary. My oldest just turned 13 and she is oh so much fun...lol...and my son is 11 and not "needing" his mom anymore but I am blessed with what I have and very blessed to not have the pain and problems the uterus was causing me.

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Originally Posted by seren0617 Hi Hannie. I know that this might sound a bit strange, but sometimes as women we just need to cry. I have found this to be true in every woman I know. You are going to be okay and you don't have to have a reason to cry, even though you have reasons. I rarely cry (although it seems to happen more lately lol) but when I find that I really need to and haven't been able to, I rent a real tear jerker from the video store. It gets the ball rolling so I can let it all out then I feel so much better, calmer and not like the dam could break at any moment. Hang in there hun, you can do this. BIG HUGS and blessings

That is so true, we do need to cry sometimes and it doesnt always make sense. I dont mind the tears but I do mind the feeling like I am going to lose it at anytime. I worry I will start to cry at a store or with my kids around and become a weepy mess. I did have a few tears a couple weeks ago at the Ft. Hood shooting because my brother lives there with his son and pregnant wife...they live 6 blocks from the shootings and were driving home when it happened but I was so grateful that they were all safe that I didnt cry as much as I usually would. It was so scary the moments waiting for him to text me back saying he was ok but I was too scared to cry then I was so relieved that I almost laughed and then prayed thanking God. It was hard watching the memorial though, my brother was there and he told me he cried through the whole thing.

Thanks for the replies...mabye this weekend I will rent a great sappy movie and cry...any suggestions? I always cry when I watch Terms of Endearment and Steel Magnolias but I have seen them so many times that I am not sure it is enough.

Hannie, I'm so glad to hear that your brother and his family are okay!

Maybe Ghost or What Dreams May Come or if you like classics, It's a Wonderful Life. Those usually work for me.

BIG HUGS

I love the movies Ghost and what dreams may come! I havent seen either in years...good ones to look for.

I did have a bit of a cry tonight though...maybe not enough to let it all out but I went to conferences for my younger 2 tonight and my youngest (who is 8) has been acting like a baby in school and talking like one. I talked to her teacher for a bit and realized I had REALLY messed up.

The friday before labor day she was new to riding a 2 wheeler and she fell off and broke her leg...she had a cast up to her hip for 7 weeks and I couldnt do anything to help her because I was in so much pain prior to surgery and way too much after. My Dad kept the kids for 4 weeks for me (half mile from my house and I saw them a few times a week) and when they came home I kept holding her and rocking her and sang to her. We started this morning ritual that consisted of her sitting on my lap and curling up while I sang to her and told her all kinds of stories about when she was a baby. I didnt realize until tonight that she was beginning to act like a baby as well. Now that I look back I see that I was holding on to the last bit of baby I have left and it broke my heart to hear that she was having trouble in school because of me. I now have to try to break the ritual but not do it in a way that makes her feel like I dont want her anymore. I think I will have to try and do "big girl" things with her for a while and tell her how glad I am that she is getting so big and now she can help me do things like cook.

Oh well, I guess we all find times when we look at something we did and wonder "What was I thinking?!?"

Thanks again for letting me vent. Off to the video store tomorrow for a good sappy movie and hopefully a good cleansing cry!

Hi Hannie,

I think you are on the right track with your daughter doing "big girl" things. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, but also the most rewarding. Hang in there and remember to give yourself permission to be human and not just superwoman. Your daughter will be alright and in the end, so will you. Breathe and remember that you have a lot of people pullihng for you, most importantly, your kids. You can do this.

BIG BIG HUGS and BLESSINGS

I think a good sad movie is in order! I know what you mean about that dam about to break. Watching a sad movie (if it helps) will give you some control over when it is going to break.

If you want a good cry, and you love dogs, rent a movie about a dog. There is one recent movie - and I don't know if you can mention titles here - everytime I watch it on tv I have to sob at the end. Think about a yellow labrador retriever...........