Am ashamed of my body now. Does it get better?

Hi. Im new here. Im 39 years old and my surgery date was Feb 23rd. It has been an incredibly rough road (physically, emotionally, etc...). I developed a massive hematoma under my incision while still in the hospital due to the fact I was knicked by a staple upon closure (so angry about that because I specifically told my doc I didnt NOT want him to use staples- we had discussed this pre-surgery, but thats another story). The portion of the incision was re-opened and the hematoma was drained March 4th. Upon draining the hematoma I started to feel alot better, but then the incision area started to morph into this horrid looking thing and developed a hard roll of fat just above the incision and running the length of it(looks like a lil' cliff or shelf of fat, but its very firm) and the incision itself (which is a very-very low bikini cut is indented quite a bit- basically looks like a cabbage patch dolls mouth in the middle of my pubic area). All I hear from my doctor is that things are going fine... whatever! I am so depressed & ashamed by the way I look and I pray that things will improve.
My husband is so patient and keeps telling me "I dont care what it looks like. I love you & it doesnt matter"... but it matters to me and my self-image has done a total nosedive. I cant imagine ever being intimate with my husband ever again looking so disfigured. I cry constantly and have even become suicidal at times. I just want to look normal & feel again. I dont care about the "swelly belly" or the actual purple scar... I just cant go through life with that area bi-sected with a disgusting roll of hard fat where there should never be one- its like I have a muffin top in the middle of my pubic area. I searched the internet and have found images of others who have undergone the same surgery in the same area and Im so jealous of their incision area. Do things ever get better? Its all been too much too handle. I welcome anyones advice or help. I am so lost & sad over this.

Hugs to you and all that you have been thru. It sounds like you have been thru a lot. As far as ny belly, well it's not a pretty sight. Almost afraid to look closer. But I just remember what I have been thru will benefit me in the long run. My body issue is temporary, my health is long term.
I would have a heart to heart with your dr. You may find it's just going to take a while. In the meantime, embrace and love yourself the way others in your life do.

LostMe - It gets better. Truly!!! Mine was the same and I was horrified. My scar is low low too and it had a significant roll over it too. It has gotten a lot better over the last few months although it isn't where I want it to be yet. When I lie down, there was no roll but there sure was one when I stood up. Now it looks like some swelling over the incision as opposed to a roll like I had. I am walking roughly 10 km a day and trying to lose another 10 or so pounds so I am hopeful that will make it go away.

I am concerned about your thoughts though. You have had a hysterectomy and your hormones may be out of whack causing you to have thoughts or obsess over something that you would not normally do. Please talk to your doctor about that.

Sweetie, please call your doctor immediately. You admit to having suicidal thoughts. The belly issues are fairly temporary, as the others indicated.

It could be you are having a hormonal crisis. Please do not hesitate. Call your doctor asap.

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Lost,

First off. (((HUGS))).

I had a large hemotoma, and also had a bleeder that they had to go in and find, 12 hours after my surgery. I understand some of what you are feeling. But I am not too focused on my belly(it was fat to begin with). I do feel rather depressed, and was so scared that I might die at one point. I am sure all of those things are contributing to your feelings.

I agree about the homonal crisis. I am actually thinking of getting some therapy and making my hospital pay for it! But that is another story.

I just want you to know you aren't alone, and hope you will be feeling better soon.

Juliewi1, Danni3ll3, Sassine, & CAT_K,
Thanks all of you so much for caring enough to post a response. I agree my hormones are doing a number on me... Im sure I do need to talk to my doc about that, too. I have discussed the incision area with him and his response is that it will look better "in time". Its all just so hard to deal with. Every bit of it. The loss of being able to have a family, the stupid hematoma that was so painful and never should have happened, and this horrible wave of disgust & shame I feel everytime I look at myself. I feel like if I can just get my body back to something I can live with then I will be okay... it will be my small victory over this terrible surgery. Does that make any sense? I just feel so defeated, so broken...
I have tried to do as much research as I can to figure out why the incision is indented & the hard roll forming above it, and all I can find is stuff about excessive scar tissues, internal incisions that are not lined up properly, and adhesions forming that are pulling the incision. Ive asked my doctor about it but he just keeps telling me "to give it time to see if it improves".

Hugs to you. It has been ONLY 4 weeks. It will take time. Things are still healing inside.

Besides, know what? If you don't like that ole scar when things are all healed up you can do plastic surgery. You don't have to accept the scar. You can get your body back to where you want it, either naturally as it heals itself or through plastic surgery.

But get those hormones checked. Once those are solid, you may not focus so on that incision. Hugs.

Thanks Sassine... I keep reminding myself that its only been a month. I just havent found very much in the way of others whose incision area is simular to mine (except for Danni3ll3 who posted above) so I am very depressed over recovery- scared I will always look this way. Thats the main reason I posted this thread, to try and find others out there who have a similar issue so I can understand this better and ease my mind.
And plastic surgery is a great idea, but unfortuneatly my insurance doesnt cover cosmetic surgery of any kind so thats not really an option I can pursue should things not improve. All I can do now is hope for the best.

I am so glad that you are going to talk to your doctor about your thoughts and feelings. It really needs to be addressed.

As to your scar, have you come across scar massage in your internet research? I did a bit of researching and apparently it also helps. I have been massaging my scar and it doesn't feel stuck to the underlying tissues anymore. There is still an indentation on the right side but the indent is pretty well gone on the left. I use a nice body lotion or a scar cream (I alternate according to what is handy at the time) and massage it in small circles and then do a zigzag type of motion for about 30 seconds. I try to do that twice a day. Even if it is all hokey pokey, at least I feel I am doing something to get things looking better. At the very least, I am going to have a very nicely moisturized scar. Oh one last thing, I started the massage once my scar was completely healed closed and I am always gentle. I don't want to open anything up.

I hope this help you feel a bit better.

You know what? When I had my Tummtuck I had areas like that. It took MONTHS for things to smooth out. It should get better! Don't be so hard on yourself. You aren't disfigured, you have a spot that is less than desirable. You will have to live with a scar but I do think the are will smooth over. Hang in there...

Tiff