TLH: My past is catching up to me---anesthesia complications mentioned

If you are really afraid don't read this. I'm afraid of scaring people by posting this. So here's the qualifier: If you are at all afraid please know that this happened to me for a number of reasons. I am allergic to many meds. 20some at last count. I also am on several meds that interact with others, some dangerously. It's always hard to predict what meds I'll interact with. With all those allergies I only have one antibiotic allergy, for example and it's minor. I also am on numerous meds. I have bipolar disorder and take a lot of meds for that as well as for other medical issues that are mostly because of side effects/damage from years of strong meds. I also knew I was sensitive to hormones although not to the extent I was.

Me of a year ago worked fulltime in a job I loved enough to commute 75 miles each way. I had developed the OT program and was doing well with it. I had too much work rather than not enough. I just had trained my new assistant when the pain became too much for me to safely manage while working (driving and lifting people because concerns). I went off work 2 weeks early but sure I'd be back soon.

Last year's surgery was planned around my med issues. Yet something happened that changed everything and nobody knows what. One drug I was probably given for nausea in the OR can cause some of the initial symptoms I had. The landed me in a psych unit for certain drugs to be started. As time passed and it became clear that my bipolar was out of control and that I had significant cognitive impairments that I hadn't had before. I tried to go back to work and was asked to continue my disability as I wasn't ready. Thank God for that; I needed it later. Things then turned ugly.

First there was a bad lithium toxicity and a hospitalization for that. After that I just no longer wanted to live. I managed to get myself back into the hospital and stayed there through Christmas becoming less suicidal. I stayed suicidal for months though and am still on heavy precautions 8 months later. I don't remember the winter or spring much but it was devoted to keeping me alive.

In May the mirena came out as a last resort. I at least stopped being suicidal and I improved a little bit with my thinking skills. Nobody had seen this reaction before but it was very clear.

However, I am stuck with significant memory impairments, difficulty sleeping, wrecked social skills, difficulty solving problems and various other changes from who I was. I don't work and if I ever work again it is likely to be a few hours a week in something not as intense as my beloved therapy. I need my mom's help to make ends meet every month and that is so hard but SSDI is not quite the same as a real income.

We don't know what was caused by surgery or what happened in surgery. We do know that I pretty much changed drastically from going under to decreasing my pain meds. To make it more complicated I had a chicken pox shot during the first few days post-op (I wasn't immune and needed it to be done with time between it and working). Adults don't get those often so there's not a lot known about side effects. I'm skipping the 2nd in case. Chances are best though that this was surgery-induced (what wasn't Mirena induced). I eventually became very suicidal and spent Christmas in the psych unit becoming safer. I am still on restrictions to keep me safe although I've not been suicidal since the Mirena came out. But both my psychiatrist and psychologist have admitted they weren't sure I was going to be ok again. Both of them have treated me for many years and have always found ways for me to bounce back. And I have, at least to a tolerable place. But I'm also not even close to who I was. This was likely to happen at some point although I had expected gradual changes. Instead anything gradual is lost in the memories I just don't have; I remember little of the last year.

I have to do this. I'm stuck up tonight because the cramps are doing a practice bowel prep, impressive in someone with chronic constipation who takes a lot of meds for this daily. I can't live with the blood loss, pain, etc. It just makes me feel worse.

But I also am terrified. In 3 weeks I'll be going to the hospital and have no idea if I'll be leaving anything like I walked in. The chances of this happening are so low and yet that didn't save me the first time. The doctors are trying to figure out how to keep me safe. But there are no promises.

And so I'm wondering what am I DOING? What if I wreck my brain even more? /What if the suicidal person returns? I didn't like that much. I want to come out of surgery myself. And I know that I am not going to feel safe until I am off pain meds.

This struck hard today when I randomly thought about what I could do a year ago vs. now and I now am scared in a whole new way. I'm really not worried about pain (as long as I have consistant pain management which the dr is working on) or recovery or anything like that.

I just want to come home myself.

THat has been a long and unfortunate path. I hope there will be a pre op anesthesia consult before the surgery day. Maybe even spinal anesthesia can be discussed, I know nothing about it so that's a guess, but my point is, you need a knowledgable anesthesiologist who can collaborate with your other Drs on this. I hope that's a given and already in the plan. I know this is all scary for everyone so to add this makes it rough. I'm sending positive thoughts for a side effect free and effective surgery and an uneventful recovery.

I do meet with anesthesia and my psychiatrist also works with about 5 anesthesiologists to determine that I need to be on this protocol (for people on MAOIs). Last year my gyn. requested a specifc anesthesiologist and I'm hoping she does that again. My meeting in the anesthesia clinic gives me time to go through what happened but not with the person actually doing the anesthesia so what I tell them will be relayed but not heard specifically. I know my psychiatrist is hoping to talk to the specific anesthesiologist as well.

Orginally we discussed doing this with a spinal but that meant it needed to be TVH and my dr. ultimately decided there's not enough space to work in there. I could probably have a TAH with a spinal but that just has it's own complications and they are more concerned with my being able to be up and moving ASAP. Pain meds are an issue so they want to maximize their chances of controlling pain.

It's just a big unknown. I do not like unknowns.