LAVH: One week away from surgery, freaking out! Super long post

First I want to say hello and thank you to all the brave women who share their experiences on this site. It has been a source of comfort and refuge to me these last few weeks as I have been "creeping" before actually joining. Now, here goes..I was diagnosed with severe cervical dysphasia in 2002, underwent 4 cold cone biopsies and several leep procedures until being diagnosed with cervicalcancer in 2004. I had 3 more procedures done at the university hospital and was told that my cervix was so badly scarred and damaged that I probably wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Enter 2005 and bingo! Pregnant! Yay! Only concern was of me not being able to physically carry him on account of my cervix. But everything turned out perfect. I have had horrendous periods since I was 11, and they only seemed to be " normal" after I had either of my children, then they would slowly creep back to being horrible. I mean severe bleeding, clots as big as a baseball and lasting for 7+ days and sometimes twice a month. I experienced this for 22 years with some" breaks" when my uterus would "restart itself" after a pregnancy. In June of this year I had another hemorrhaging episode, that landed me in the er (again) and the dr on call performed an ultrasound, upon my followup with my regular obgyn, he informed me that my uterine walls were 15.5 mm thick, and that was after hemorrhaging! We discussed my options, did a biopsy ( no cancer!) and due to my previous cervical cancer problems, decided that a tvh is my best option. Hoping to keep my ovaries, but dr said only if they look good while he is in there. Now I have a wonderful husband who has
been with me thru all of these "woman" problems and two beautiful children,but I cannot stop crying and feeling alone, confused, terrified, everything. I am sure part of it is the anxiety of waiting, but I feel like I am being cheated out of my womanhood. I don't know. Can anyone help me put my head straight? My mother in law said to look at it like "decluttering" or some "spring cleaning", made me smile, but made me cry too. Sorry for the long post.

I know a lot of us have been where you are right now. Remember that it's more than your internal plumbing that makes you a woman. It is your caring heart. Your loving soul. Your nurturing nature.

You will be every bit the woman you are now when you come out of that operating suite. Think about how much better you'll be when this is over. The quality of life you'll gain. Try to focus on those things. Maybe plan something fun for when you're out of your recovery period to celebrate getting your life back.

I know it felt like I was losing a part of myself but I can say now that I gained far more than I lost.

Thank you, that is a good idea, to plan something fun. Hmmmm......

Nina, You've been through alot already. We are more than our ovaries/uterus and cervix. We are who we are for our character as a women, how we are kind/giving and intellectual. Our minds too are a marvelous tool. A positive mind goes a long way. I'll admit I was afriad of surgery. Not so concerned about loosing my parts so to speak because I was in so much pain and well my hormones were crazy and everything about my internal parts was causing havoc on me,my children, my work. Having said that post op a few weeks later I did have a day where I mourned the loss of my internal parts. I felt sad and I cried alot. Then I realized I am me again. I am a better me, a better wife,better women, better mom. The surgery gave me my life back. Stay strong, be positive, feel the loss but try not to think to much into it. You are embarking on the next journey. I am so happy that you were able to have children when it was thought otherwise.
You're going to be ok.
I had surgery April 2 complete abdominal, no ovaries,cervix. All done all gone.