How do I tell my family I'm not healed????

Hello sisters!

It's been 3 weeks since my TAH BSO. When I first came home, I had all kinds of activity flurrying around me. No one could do enough for me. I am divorced, and my 19 year old DS works, so I am on my own most of the time. My mom came to wash my bedding during my first week, and my best friend brought me home cooked meals the second week. Here I am during the 3rd week, and no one has even CALLED to see if I am OK. It has actually been a week since my mom has even called me!!! I don't want to call her because I don't want to go off on her. I'm sure she has a life of her own too. I guess I have hit a depression. I'm frustrated because I can't do a lot, and it seems to me that I have dropped off the face of the earth as far as friends and family are concerned. How do I tell them NICELY that I still need help and encouragement? Actually, I could do without the help I suppose, but the encouragement I'm sure would bring me out of this slump. Any ideas????

That's really unfortunate that everyone's sort of "bailed" on you!
I know from talking to people that they think 2 weeks is the 'standard' recovery time -- what a crock!!! You have friends here you can talk to everyday - I know it's not the same as someone there but at least everyone here understands!
I would consider calling your mom & close friends and just say "could you come over for a short visit - I'm going a little stir crazy". It's often hard for women to ask for things - but this is really a time to ask. When someone is there, you could have them do something for you -- take out the garbage (you can't lift yet), change your bed (too much strain), run a load or 2 of laundry (no lifting) .....

I'd say the third week, everyone played out here too. My 17 year old started asking me to do all sorts of things. I've had to be vocal about what I can and cannot do and stand the line. I decided doing too much is worse than asking for help. In my case, several friends have made general offers and it has been very hard for me to pick up the phone and ask, but I managed it somehow. I'm so use to doing it myself. I also decided that sometimes people just don't understand so we can't hold that against them. If you need something, ask. What's the worst thing that could happen?

This week I've been lonely so I decided to make a phone call to someone everyday just to chat. I could just feel sorry for myself. I think coming out of the slump is just as important as the physical healing. It also frees others to ask the same when they are in the same situation. Even if they don't understand now, they will. I also feel I'm wiser now having been through this. I'll know better what to do and offer for people when they need something.

My 24 year old left for grad school a couple of weeks ago. He called and gave me a list of things he forgot and please send them. I gather them in a box. Looking at the box I realized I'm not allowed to lift that much for at least 2 more weeks. With everything else going on here, no one else in the household can mail it so it will have to wait. He won't be too happy but nothing that can't wait. He was here the first week after the surgery so he will understand ......once I remind him of what I can't do.

At four weeks and still rambling............Hope that helps

Dear Ice Maiden,
I wish I were there to Hang out with you! Today is day 9 for me LAVH. I was up walking quite a bit yesterday for my husband to say to me. "Are you able to drag this hose" around the yard yet? I almost smacked him. LOL. NO, I replied, I will let you know when. LOL We laughed about it, then I found myself bringing him dinner last nite only for my mother in law to call during dinner time as if she knew and exclaim "he better be cooking for you" put him on the phone. As women, I believe no matter what position, status you hold in life we do for!. My point I am trying to make is Just be honest with everyone, tell them your not up to things yet and you would appreciate continued support for a few months. I don't think they purposely are bailing, they just don't understand and how could they unless they have gone thru it all. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and curl up when youcan with a good book. Best to you!, I am sending you a hug! jule

Thank you sisters for your support! I am sending hugs out to you all as well! I did call my mom today, and she pretty much snapped at me telling me she was really busy. I told her I needed help with the laundry, and her reply to me was...gee honey, I don't know what to tell you. Well, that's that I suppose..lol..I guess it waits until my DS is home for a few hours. It's frustrating, but it really helps to know my sisters are here and I'm not feeling these feelings alone! Thank you ladies so very much!

You're a better person than I am; I would have snapped back at Mommie Dearest (I'm sure she's not ).

Time to call in favors, hon. It *****, I know, but you must. Real friends will understand, and be delighted to help. "Owe mes" are wonderful things to have. Remind Mommie Dearest and friends of that if they balk at your requests. I think they won't though; I suspect you're the type that rarely asks for help, but always gives it. And I'm betting they know they owe you, and will step up.

Boy do I understand this. My TAH was 15 days ago. DH was home w/ my the first week, this week he went back to work. The first two days he called to see how I was doing as did neighbors, friends, people from church. Now, all of a sudden, a couple days later, no one thinks anything of the surgery. Tell them you're hanging in there and all of a sudden your totally, healed, apparently. Neighbors saw me hobble up to the school to pick up my kids today (first day of school) and not a ONE of them asked how I was doing (I clearly was in pain and was hurting just to take a step). it's not that they didn't talk to me, but chit-chat about stupid stuff when I was sitting there in obvious pain and discomfort. I guess you need to never say you're doing good for people to continue to realize that you've just had major surgery. Two weeks ago I was cut wide open and organs were removed from my body, but hey, I must be ready to party now, b/c that was soo long ago.. Sorry, I'm just frustrated and disappointed in people that I thought were my "friends". OH! I backtrack, one did mention the surgery...she said they'd just had their dog fixed (actually she used a much harsher word than that) and she said she told her husband they should bring it down to my house to take care of b/c I'd know all about that. now, I'm not sorry I had the surgery, Im not having any "i won't have any more children" issues b/c that was made a permanent decision 4 years ago when dh had a vasectomy, BUT, I found that comment quite insensitive.

I wish i could fly to you and help, Ice Maiden. I'm stubborn enough that when Mommie dearest called for somehing I would tell her something allright!! I know how it feels not to have anyone around to help. Maybe mommie dearest will think about it and realize her reaction was wrong. I agree, call a close friend and just ask if they would come over for a chat and if they would mind giving you a hand with a couple of small chores. True friends willhelp out..

Diversify!! Make a list of all the people you know. Maybe there is a resource you have not tapped into yet. I had a very ruff recovery. The 1st two weeks church and a very close friend of mine helped a lot. Then in my 3rd week I was still very weak and ill due to complications. I decided to call on a different set of friends for help. It was this past June and I am a teacher. I had not seen or heard from any of my teacher buddies in 1st grade. So...I made a plea for help...I picked up the phone and left a few tearful messages on a few friend's phones. They were wonderful. One of them called me back that same day to talk to me and "cheer" me up. They appologized they could not come right over because of teenager troubles. But...They had a nearby mutual teacher buddy come to check on me and offer me immediate help. Then they called on a few other friends and 4 of them showed up to clean my downstairs. I ordered and paid for Pizza Delivery and we sat around the table and laughed a bit. They all showed me such care and compassion. They were concerned over my weight loss and peaked condititon and were so sweet! Later, about 5 weeks post op my husband flew our family to California to visit our oldest 23 year old son. It was a wonderful break for our whole family. 10 days of eating out and no housework. Near the end of the trip I was getting stronger and I was able to fix a little supper a couple of nights with help from our sons in the kitchen. So I say don't be afraid to speak up and ask for help. I remember telling my teacher buddies prior to surgery in May that I would be fine as DH and church could take care of me. I told them I would not need their help. I had my surgery June 5th and fully expected 2 weeks help from our church would be plenty. Yet less than a month later I was picking up the phone leaving tearful messages asking my friends to send in the Calvery. I told them exactly how desperate I felt. Although the first first teacher buddy I called didn't call me back for a week I didn't give up. I just kept on calling people. Later when I called that same friend again for help she was just too busy so I asked for another teacher's phone number as I did not have it handy. It was that 2nd call that rounded up help. ...I think if you just open up to your friends and share your true feelings they will be moved into action by their compassion and concern for your health. Well, I hope my wordiness didn't loose the meaning. It is late...I'm so sleepy and I need to stop rambling and get to bed. I do hope this message helps a bit.

Ice Maiden, pick up the phone and call for help (not your mother though!). Your friends probably have no idea that you still need help and if they knew, they'd likely be right there for you. Unless someone has been in our shoes, they really, honestly don't know. I'm ashamed to admit that I was one of those "insensitive clods" when my SIL had her hyster a year before mine. I was at my MIL visiting and I don't remember the specifics of what we were talking about, but I do remember commenting that my SIL should be back to normal, after all, her surgery was (at that point) 6 weeks ago and after my c-sec, I was up and running by 3 weeks. My MIL, bless her soul, just looked at me and said that a hyster was a bit more complicated than a c-sec. She had had one a number of years ago and understood. I hadn't and therefore didn't understand. Maybe thats how it is with your friends. Perhaps you should give them the benefit of the doubt and ask for help. Most people would love to if only they knew just what to do.