its me the big baby

I can't stop crying as I sip my chicken broth i have to drink as my lunch. I am so scared it has consumed my intire day. I keep watching life as it would be without me and everything seems fine. I thought I would be o.k. because when I had my cold cone surgery it was the first time that i had been put under and I was a giant cry baby (I am sure some of you will remember my past post) I made it and things were not as bad as I thought they would be. I thought that with the surgery i would be more worried about pain management and recovery but I am just as scared now as I was then and it has taken on a life of its own. I just sit on the computer and read and cry and read and cry. I go tomorrow and I am on clear liquid diet with bowel prep i have to drink citrate at 6,8,10pm tonight and then tomorrow I have to be at the hospital at 8:30am. I am so afraid I will not make it and never see my kids again. I have not gotten to say the things I want to say to everyone, I have written letters to my kids and husband I made a video telling everyone if I don't make it what to do (see consumed!!). The only place I feel any relief or piece is here. I just needed to write something because of my worry I need to be grounded and brought back to reality and only you wonderful women have that power over me. hearing you stories and reading you words of hope and compassion has been the only thing that has helped me so I thank all of you. I hope I do make it and can then post in the post-op Thanks for putting up with my negativity (I am the eternal pessimist ) I just wish i could stop crying

Awww, I wish I was closer so I could give you a big HUG! This will have to do, I guess. It's a virtual one, but, it's very tight and meant to let you know you aren't alone.

All of your feelings are perfectly normal, but try and focus on the fact that in 24 hours or so (not sure what time your surgery is), the scary, unknown part will be over and you'll have just one job to focus on -- healing!!

Sending many hugs and prayers your way.... We'll look for you on the post-op boards soon.

OMG! I know exactly what you mean. Before my surgery all I could think about was how would life go on without me...it consumed me and created so much anxiety that I cancelled my first scheduled date...BIG MISTAKE!!..I then had to wait a whole other month and my nerves were even worse than....all I kept thinking was what if I did not make it...my older 2 DS's (28 and 23) already lost their Dad 13 yrs ago and I have a 6yr old DS also that depends on me for everything, I don't even think my DH knows his teacher's name, what would happen....Dh doesn't even know what time his bus comes and DH leaves for work at 5 am...who would watch DS and get him to school...etc, etc.....strangest thing was the morning of surgery I was calm as could be...I awoke in no pain and had a great recovery.....DS was the biggest, little helper ever when I got home from the Castle the next day.....all seems like a blur now.....but very normal to be going thru what you are going thru...just think, tomorrow at this time you will be in recovery and your thoughts will be on healing...this too will all pass and just like me, you will be grateful for all the sisters here that helped get you through...post as many times as you want tonite...I know the night before I did not want to leave this site... Hang in there! It will be behind you before you know it

Hey---- chill....

Honestly - get yourself out of depression. OK??????

You haven't hit the multi-million mega lottery yet --- and chances are you're going to wake up feeling like crap for a couple of weeks.

DO NOT LET DEPRESSION or TOTAL FEAR DRAG YOU DOWN.

Don't let it get hold of you. Focus on what you want to do when you are well.

Focus on how much better you probably WILL feel.

Focus on all the things you haven't been able to do before --- that YOU WILL be able to do.

FOCUS ON YOU!!!

Focus on happy...

Because if you keep worrying right now --- all you are going to do is waste hours worrying... Worrying is not good.

Depression hurts your healing process.

Don't give up before you give yourself a fighting chance.

Allow those thoughts to just vanish --- crumple them up like you're throwing away a piece of trash...

FOCUS on your FUTURE...

Focus on it being bright.

Plan out a vacation --- plan out cleaning your house..... (ok - wait --- I did say no depression... scratch the cleaning the house part... :-) )

But whatever you do ---- BELIEVE in yourself... Trust modern science and medicine...

BILLIONS of women - through time have given birth --- and survived....

Millions of women have had hysterectomies and survived.

Women are made of strength...

And YOU ---- YOU ARE A WOMAN..

Stand strong!

Hugs --- and hey --- where we goin' on vacation?

Hey Blond! I've been thinking of you and Kathy from Colorado today as you do your bowel prep and clear liquids.

Please know that I've prayed for you and all of us are holding you close to our hearts.

Today I had a little freak, too, because I realized there's no getting out of this, and I don't want to, but you know, it's like getting to 9 months in the pregnancy and knowing it's gonna hurt!

Stay on here for a while. Read stuff. Stay with the positive posts. You're going to be on the other side in a little bit. I hope I hear from you before I go to the castle.

Peace and Love, Blond, have a peaceful heart.

Brinks

Awwww sweetie
You are freaking yourself out. You are going to be fine! You will wake up and be on your way to recovery very soon. Spend these next hours thinking positive. I believe that if you go to sleep with a positive attitude you will wake up, and recover much quicker.

Hi Blond
I've read lots of posts from you, asking and responding to loads of questions...wondering if you know how much you have helped other people by asking those questions and sharing your fears so openly.

I know for a fact that plenty of people only read posts, and don't write themselves..

I had lots of your fears pre-op too. I wrote to my children too. I wrote a will with notes for everyone- I'm a single Mum, and felt the whole world on my shoulders.

..but in the end..I went into hospital with relief the day had come. Took deep breaths and put on a brave face, because my son was with me, and I couldn't scare him any more than he already was..

..woke up with NO pain, and lovely nurses fussing around me..

you will be fine, and you will be relieved and you will have a much nicer Christmas next year

lots of best wishes
and shall look for you post-op..it's a lovely, caring place to be..

xxxxxxxxx

I think had I read this post a few hours ago, I might have been okay but now I sit here crying and seriously doubting my own surgery. I will post why on a separate post because I need advice.

Keep your head up! Everyone is right, the odds are slim of passing away during this procedure.

I totally understand where you ladies are coming from! Tomorrow will make 9 weeks since my surgery. I have no trouble remembering just how scared and freaked out I was the day before. I was soooo scared that I would die, but I never told anyone (until after I woke up). Just take a big giant breath and exhale. This surgery is performed hundreds of times every day. I know, I know - it's different when it is you.

I ended up with a 10" vertical incision (probably so long because I am considerably overweight). I can't lie, it was hard at first. But it does get better. The first couple of weeks are the hardest. Just remember to do what you are told and take it EASY! Rest, rest and more rest. Walking, though it may be slow, is really good for you - just don't overdo it.

A few things that really helped me: Mucinex DM is really great if you get some kind of cough thing happening. Gas X can help tremendously with those nasty gas pains. Eat small meals rich in fiber - it helps to get your bowels moving again. Stool softeners are also wonderful. Drink lots and lots of water, it helps to flush all those anesthetic drugs out of your system. Do not be afraid to take your pain pills; you're not going to get addicted if you take them for pain. Nightgowns and loose comfortable sweat pants are what I lived in for about a month. A house that is less than perfectly clean is just fine! It is so much better than pushing yourself and ending up in pain. Don't compare your recovery to someone's else; we all have different medical issues, bodies and recovery times. Try to focus only on what is going to help YOU during this time of recuperation.

All of you ladies with surgeries coming up are definitely in my prayers. Just remember, this too shall pass! Life will get back to normal, it just takes a little while. As my wonderful DH reminded me when I was complaining about how it seemed to be taking forever to feel better, think about how quickly those rent or mortgage payments roll around. You will realize that in no time at all you will be back on this site offering your helpful tips to others!

I was so worried about anesthesia before hand! My very first thought when the pain woke me was "I made it!!" Before my surgery, a good friend made me feel better by telling me how much she LIKES being put out....it's the only time she can have permission to sleep soundly with nothing to worry about! I tried to think of it that way, and it did help some. You'll do great.