TAH Seeking support from absent "friends"

Maybe some of you sisters out there can give me some advice or have a similar story? I am 42 years old and am nearly a month post op following a TAH and tumor removal. From a health standpoint, I am recovering well and thankful for that. My husband and immediate family have been tremendously supportive through this journey. Over the years, I have cultivated a small group of friends. Some are long-term friendships and others are relatively new. I have genuinely valued my friendships. Not sure if I'm particularly sensitive right now, but I am disappointed in some of my "friends" though. A few of them have not been very supportive. One friend of over 30 years has only sent me texts to check in and see how I am doing. Another one will call, but spends a majority of our conversation talking about her dating life. There has been no effort made to see me by either. No card has even been sent. This was my first surgery and I feel so let down by them. It seems like they really don't particularly care. This is a game changer for me and I question whether I should confront them or just let these friendships fade away. I need positivity in my life right now and they aren't adding anything at all. What do you think? Thanks.

I totally understand where your coming from a close friend of mine has yet to call I'm almost 4 weeks post op!! I want to call and confront and then again I'm like let it go. Everything happens for a reason stick to the ones that have been there for you!! Best of luck!

I had a limited number of contacts with friends during my recovery. I wonder if people just dont know what to say? Maybe the friend of yours that goes on about her dating life, really doesnt know what to ask or what to say? At first, i was really upset that my "friends" werent contacting me like I know I would had they been in my shoes, but now am thinking it just is that they are clueless, or dont want to say the wrong thing.. hang in there, true friends will come around... and you have the hystersisters to get you through

There is another lengthy thread on this same subject. Try telling them that you really need their support. I had the same issues. I found the support on this website to be very helpful and the ladies are encouraging. Focus on what is right now and take care of yourself. You have plenty of time in the future to re- evaluate relationships. Hope you are healing well!

So sorry that you are not getting the support you want from your friends. But do know that people can be at different comfort and sensitivity level with surgeries like this. Try to remember or look at what you value in each of those friends; it may be one's humor, or someone who does the planning for fun outings. Perhaps it is because you both share an interest such as bowling, birding, brick tossing. :-) Don't be mad at them, instead keep yourself in their lives if that is what you what, by giving them generic updates about how you are doing. Ask them to help you by taking you grocery shopping, or for a short outing, to help build up your stamina and get some activity. As in other major life events, you may lose some friends, you may gain some, you may get stronger with others.

I also feel that these friends are just clueless. I have to admit, before this surgery I thought it would be a walk in the park, three days out max. Well, I now know how wrong I was! How would they know? I think once the surgery is over, they forget the tough road of recovery. I'm not covering for them, I'm in the same boat with my friends. But I had to just focus on myself. My family was great and this site a life saver. The best support is from others who have gone through this journey! Feel better and take care.

You will truly find out who your true friends are. But the best advice that I can give is to only focus on the people that are important to you, your family. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get through it without mine. I was so disappointed in soooo many people after my hysterectomy, I can't even begin to tell you. The bottom line the best friend that you can have is someone who can put themselves in your shoes, even if it is just a minute. A good friend from work came to "take" me out to lunch, and I had to pay, well anyway I guess she drove. Another good friend of mine told me on my first day back to work when my shift was over that I might as well go home because I couldn't help transport patients. The second day of work when asked how I felt, I replied" Well nothing fell out and I didn't bleed to death, so I guess I am ok" People can be so insincere and unsympathetic, at times. But as I said you will find out who your bestfriends are. When I came home after my first day of work, I felt so down and depressed, my family asked if they had a cake for me at work for my first day back, and I said no and we as a family celebrated with a cake. So sorry that I am so long winded, but I know where you are coming from.

I honestly suspect people just have no clue how long of a recovery this surgery has. They really don't keep you in the hospital very long, and I suspect this diminishes the severity of it in their eyes. They probably figure that a week or two and you're good to go. My surgery will be four weeks tomorrow, and it's old news with most everyone now!

You are not alone, I too have found the most difficult part of this recovery down to the total lack of contact from "friends" AND " family" as Laurie says they just do not realise the severity of it all. I have had to come to the point ( it was making me very emotional and depressed) that I am concentrating my love for those that have been there for me ! This site has also been a total blessing for me xxxx

Before I had this surgery - I was really downplaying it - I genuinely thought a weeks turn around no problem. Now I understand it's slightly more than that and a lot of it is stuff that can't be seen on the outside - how would I know until I had walked in those shoes. Hey life's too short - recover well, feel great, be happy and healthy and then get back to enjoying time with your friends. Remember life is really busy when you're in it and at the moment unfortunately we have a lot of time for thinking - maybe too much thinking . It seems to me some people are really good at this and some maybe not so much - or maybe they have things going on in they're lives. I think at the moment you are vulnerable - please don't do anything that can't be undone - in a while when you are stronger if you still feel put out I would address it then - but for now just as recovery is different for each individual - I think so too is the way people respond to us.