Having a meltdown

Its 3:30 (ish) in the morning my time and I am having a meltdown. Less than a week to go before my surgery. It is really starting to hit me...pain...down for god knows how long...a couple weeks..a month..sigh. Christmas is getting closer and I am barely done with the shopping. The few things that have gone right are we finally got our new windows and carpet in...off schedule but in. I called my Mom today (my adoption mom..not bio mom for those that don't know that I was adopted) We have a quite a few ups and downs (ok..more downs than ups) and are trying to rebuild the relationship after not speaking for about 8 years. I thought it was really going well. I asked her to come over this weekend one day with my dad of course. I thought it would be nice to get together for a luncheon, exchange christmas gifts (she buys the normal thoughtless gift card for my boys) sigh but it is definetly better than nothing like previous years. She said that she was going to pass but would come see me in the hospital and to have Brian call later on that night. Great..thanks..real swell of you. This really hit me hard and I managed to get out a quiet "oh, ok" And have been in tears most of the day..when no one is around of course as I refuse to let this effect my children or my DH. I just can't get out of my head that, God forbid something bad happens and I dont get to see my parents again....especially (and please take this for what its worth..I don't mean it bitterly) my Dad. My bio mom, who lives about a half hour from me, meets me in a freakin parking lot of a store to exchange gifts. I can't bring myself to understand how in the heck I got 2 mothers who don't think its important to spend a little time together..especially for the holidays. And then I feel selfish...or spoiled..or whatever..I feel like I didn't get my way if that makes sense and I cry like a two year old because of it.

Its so sad...I have 2 Moms but feel like I have none. Friends have moms that are there for them, visit them and have coffee or tea, go for dinner...I feel like I am left out of that loop. If I want to spend any time with bio mom I could go to the bar that she frequents..not my idea of a good time.

Please someone tell me that I am not being childish here...and how I can get over this feeling right quick cause I am about sick of it when there is so much to do in less than a week. sigh :'(

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. You are about to have a surgery that makes all of us very emotional and you need some support. It's also getting close to the holidays and another reason to become emotional. I lost my mom in May and I would have loved to be able to talk to her and get some assurance that everything was going to be OK. We are always little kids in our hearts so don't feel that you are selfish for having the feelings you have. The only thing I can say is be thankful for your children and husband and let them be your source of strength. Mine were wonderful when I had my hysterectomy.

Please don't assume that you are going to be in lots of pain after your surgery. Please go to the Post Op forum and read the thread "Isn't ANYONE having a good recovery!" You will find lots of posts there that will encourage you. Everyone is different in their recovery.

Best of luck to you with your surgery. Wish I could do or say something more to make you feel better. We are all here for you so let us know how you are doing.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now.

I can understand how you feel. I am estranged from my father and have been since I was in my teens. I feel like I got cheated in life - in that area anyway. You are not childish and you are not selfish. Try not to take it personally, remember, these issues belong to them, not you. Not everyone who is a mother has the "mothering gene" unfortunately, that is not your fault, nor is it a reflection of who you are.

I have found that during times that I wished my father was someone other than who he is, that it helps to lean on the other important people in my life. Is it the same? No. But is it good enough? Yes. If you can lean on your DH, your children and friends and other family, do that, believe it or not, it can help to fill that void that you feel.

I have also found that if I take stock of the good things, the good relationships in my life, it doesn't hurt quite so much to not have the relationship I wish I had with my father. Count your blessings. Like they say, it can always be worse.

Sweetie, recovery really isn't so bad. My pain was minimal, and I've heard this from many on this sight. I can tell you I had periods that were 100 times worse than any of the post op pain I had. I made the best of it. Got some rest, did some Christmas shopping (a little here and there), had some lunch "dates", did some "crafting" and watched some of my old favorite movies.

The waiting truly is the hardest part. So much goes through your head and heart. Take some deep breaths and try to relax. Go for a walk and clear your head. Take stock of all your blessings. Concentrate on the positives. It's hard, but it helps.

I hope you can find some peace before your surgery. Don't sweat the little things. Finish up your Christmas shopping, clean your bathrooms and let the rest go! You are carrying so much weight on your shoulders, you will feel so much better if you can let go of some of it!

Take Good Care and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you!

Christine

Mastiffwoman:

You are feeling what you describe as a meltdown, but what you are feeling are your emotions that are running at an all time high right now. Think of it: the holidays put pressure on us, our jobs put pressure on us, we put pressure on ourselves, our families, our responsibilities, and now on top of all of that, you are going to have surgery. What an emotional cocktail.....and of course somehow we believe we are programmed to take it all and be stoic.

That's where our inner strength comes to play.....we are strong, and we are unbelievably strong!

I will bet you have some wonderful friends that you can call on for support right now, and you don't have to feel that because they are not 'family' their support is not as effective. It is probably more so, because they are your friends and have chosen YOU as a friend. Give them a call and reach out to them and don't feel like you have to go through all of this alone. Some people are at a loss about how to be with others, even their friends, in the face of those bumps in the road, like this surgery for example. Some may not know what to say, or do, but I am sure they will be there to help. Don't be afraid to talk to your friends about your feelings.

Of course it is scary - I was a wreck before my surgery, and now four days later, everything is ok. I had thoughts such as, "What if I don't wake up?" "I am not finished here on Earth, I am not ready Lord," and similar thoughts that must be normal. If you are having trouble sleeping, call your Dr. and see if there is something she can do for you to help you with this. The day of your surgery, let them know during your prep and they will give you something to relax. I found the folks at the hospital so wonderful and caring, and it was nice being in a place full of so many giving people.

You are not being selfish. Don't even think that. You are not asking for a Caribbean cruise, or a day at the spa, you just want a little understanding and empathy to help you through this - and that is not a lot. Reach out to those friends who can give you just that.

Then let the healthcare professionals and caregivers take over and let the process happen.....you will be well cared for, pampered while in the hospital and everything will turn out just fine. They will manage any pain you have, and take care of every detail. Just let it happen. It is hard to do, especially if you are like me and normally 'in charge,' but let them take care of you and everything will be alright.

Now take a deep breath and promise to take it easy and release the pressure you are putting on yourself. You are not being selfish. That strength is in there, believe me, and you will use it and you know what? The best part of your inner strength is that you can't use it all up. You will come out of this with even more.

God Bless.

Tickled Pink

Dear Friend,
I can relate to you. I have a stepmom who I try to be close with but it's a struggle and sounds like your adoptive mom and my mom passed away 8 years ago and she was an alcoholic etc etc. So we feel jipped in the mom category too but it's not the end of the world. When you lack in one area you have abundance in another. We have wonderful husbands and children and FRIENDS. I believe my friends are my family and I'd rather have them around anyway. I tell my friends who have good relationships with their moms to cherish and enjoy what they have because it's rare.
Count your blesssings, pray for your moms and take 5 deep breaths when you get sad or anxious. Someone mentioned it on this site and it helps alot. My surgery is Dec 13 (hence my sign on name) and I'm right there with you sister! One day apart. We can do it and be stronger for it.
God Bless you,
Amy

I am unable to relate to you. Although, my relationship is not just "peachy" with my mom, it is not what you have described. I am sorry for what you are going through.

I do know that there is a reason for your 2 mom's being this way. It may make you a better mom for your children, or you may be able to minister to others. We may not always see the reason for all of our troubles, but I assure you there is one.

I will pray for you now - Dear Lord, please be with this hystersister now in the time of her pain. Lord, I ask that you fill this void in her life, and give her the Peace that passes all Understanding. Lord help her rely on you when she fills there is no one else. Help her to know you are with her always, and you will never leave her. I pray that she will never shed another tear for what she cannot control. I pray this now in Jesus name - Amen

Sorry that you are so down right now. It's really the last thing that you need, but at least you've got a mother or in this case 2. I lost my mother suddenly a little over a year and a half ago. The emptiness of being completely without her support is worse for me than if I had half hearted support. It not easy, and Lord knows why people act the way they do. I really do feel for you.

I've not told me sister about my surgery because she was so against me having it at all, so I've kept it from her, and simply told her that we have plans for Christmas, since we spent Thanksgiving with her. She's assuming that we are spending the holiday with DH's family. I know she'd feel awful if she knew I'll be recovering from sugery, but didn't tell her because of her attitude. I just don't get some family members. The people I work with have been extremely supportive.....more so than my sister, that's for sure.

Thankfully I have my DH and a few close friends who are there for me. Sometimes family is just too complicated to understand

Thank you all for your loving support...each day I read these posts over and over and today I felt a great sense of relief. ((HUGGZ)) to all of you. I am truly blessed to have found this place

I am also an adopted girl. Adoption is a tricky issue. I find my birth mother 15 years ago, but it has been a real up and down relationship. I feel lucky to have a good relationship with my parents (adoptive).

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I've had a tear-y day myself!

hugs to you!