Need help with relatives

I'm just under three weeks post op. And I am in still in quite a bit of pain. I can't ride in a car. Walking around the house pushes me to my limit. I'm starting to get grief from relatives for not healing fast enough, and that I've been doing things from the begininng to make myself not heal faster. They are talking about the fact that I was sitting up in the hospital bed during the first week. Apparently this is what caused my internal bleeding and all of the problems I am having now. But mostly, in their eyes I'm just a big druggie who doesn't care about my family because this has been going on for years. I have been on and off pain meds for years. My doctor, husband and I are working on weaning me back off of them again right now. They don't understand chronic pain. They tell me I'm a bad wife and mother because some days I have to stay in bed. But, my children always come first. Even if feel like dying, if there is no one else to take care of them, I take care of them. Sometimes I want to cry. These people are very anti-drugs, doctors, tests, etc. They don't understand how I could have needed surgery every 2-3 years for endo. They think that's what caused all of this. Not the endo, the surgeries.

You should also know that they are helping me with my two very young children; 4 months and 16 months. Of course, they are helping me the way they want to, not the way I want to. The children stay at their house and come for visits most days. The way I wanted help was to keep the kids here during the night and have someone come during the days to help me while my husband is working. Beggars can't be choosers, so I didn't mind when they wanted to do it this way. I'm especially grateful for their help. But, the guilt that comes with every visit is intolerable. They can't do this anymore. It's killing them. They don't get any sleep. So, I tell them to leave the kids here at night. But they won't even consider it. So, I'm looking into daycare.

Thank you for letting me vent. If you have any advice, I'd appreciate it.

I understand. Sometimes help from family members comes at a price that's just too high. I've had to cut off some relatives over the years because it's just too much to deal with. I paid for outside daycare for years so I didn't have to listen to my DMIL tell me over and over what I was doing wrong with my children. After that, I had to listen to her talk about how much money I spend on daycare, and so on.

You can't choose your family, but you don't have to buy into their guilt and nonsense. You can choose to take control of the situation or let them take control. Me, I chose to take my own control and I don't listen to their nonsense.
Hugs,
Patti

You sure have been thru alot in a short period of time. 2 babies and a hysterectomy! I imagine you do need help. I had my daughters close together - 15 months apart and it was exhausting taking care of them and healing from a C-Section. I'm sorry I don't have any good advise for you other than you need to get better soon and be rid of those relatives. You said walking around the house is hard. Maybe you need to take some advil and try to walk more everyday. I know that is an important part of healing. You also sound depressed to me. Have you discussed that with your doctor? You may need an anti-depressant. I hope things improve for you soon

Jean

I am so sorry you're going thru this. My ex-mother-in-law is the travel agent for guilt trips! I thinks she should go into business with your relatives!

I believe there are two things that are impossible to judge: someone else's pain, and someone else's faith.

Whatever day care costs you, it'll be worth it. Take it from someone who now has NO contact whatsoever with the one person who kept me in constant turmoil with all her drama. My life is 100% stress-free and drama-free and I couldn't be happier! I know you can't "X" them out of your life, but you can limit your contact and never tell them ANYTHING (my standard phrase became "I'm fine").

You be sure to rest all you can. Don't let anyone else tell you what is normal and what is not. Your body will tell you what to do.

Take care,
Rene

I just wanted to chime in and say amen to what the other sisters have said (and Rene, thanks for the chuckle about your MIL being the travel agent for guilt trips -- I LOVE that!).

Paige, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time and that your relatives are adding so much drama and misery to it. Please remember that this is Your Surgery, Your Kids, Your Recovery, and Your Choice on how you want to handle it all. If there are a few bruised feelings because you stand up for what you need to do to properly take care of you, oh well. They will get over it or not. That really is not what's important right now. You are!

Hugs,
cjcj

I get a lot of crap about how slow Im healing from people,including relatives too.Then I get to hear how my Dr messed me up and how she's a quack because im still not dong that greta(im 7 weeks out) Even though I just found out I have a massive UTI that hasn't responded to macrobid(they just switched to Cipro).Everyone has an opinion abot the aspects of this surgery.I guess thats just the way it is. Don't let people get you down.Im so sorry yo are separated from your angels.If at all possible,do check into daytime help at home(maybe a school girl until school starts)You deserve to have those precious babies near you.Good luck sweetie- Marsha

All i want to add is that i feel so sad for you that you are going through that kind of CRAP right now when all you should be getting is love and support! well we ARE here for you, hun!!!!! i hope everything turns out good for you! BIG HUGS

Can your husband intervene? Are they his family? You're doing just fine for not yet three weeks.

They sound like they deserve a piece of your mind but sometimes when we're feeling really crappy, we magnify what we hear. What I mean is is that although I'm sure you deserve a major break from these insensitive people, they might really care about you and just don't have the social skills to show it. If you assume that it might ease your mind a bit.

Hi.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. Just hearing your reassurances is improving my sanity.

Hi...I'm supposed to go camping the weekend after next. My DMIL set up a weekend camping trip for the family. We told her before that we weren't sure what would happen, with me having my surgery. She told my DH the camping weekend is a WHOLE MONTH after my surgery and that I should be fine by then.

They have a large travel trailer with a bathroom in it. We have a little tent with two twin sized air mattresses, and the outhouses.

My DH told them at first we would probably just go visit for the day. Now he wants to camp at least one night. I know it'll be 4-1/2 weeks after my surgery, but I'm having trouble sleeping at home!

They are renting a patio boat. I'm not supposed to go in water yet, and the lake isn't exactly sparkling. If I don't go on the boat, I will sit alone at the campground. If I go on the boat, I'll be stuck all day with them on the water. It will be hot, but I won't be able to swim.

I spoke with her yesterday when she called to find out how I was doing. I told her I'm ok but still have pain if I am up too much. She told me that's probably because my pain is from the incision, not the hysterectomy. She said there's no pain from them removing those parts, so it must be the incision. (She had a vaginal hyst years ago.) There's no way she could understand how I feel.

I'm sorry, but I wanted to vent and this thread had the right topic. Whaaaa! :cry: