Upcoming hysterectomy 4/13: Tormented---going back and forth on decisions all day every day

Is this normal? I research to death every day. I think I've read everything I possibly can and just keep reading. I went back to my surgeon 2 extra times to ask questions ( thanks mainly to this site and the education I received). :-) I went to my GP and talked with him too. I trust my GP very much. Together we have made the decisions on what is best for me. Then I read and think OMG maybe I shouldn't do this or I should do that. Am I making a mistake? Will I regret this? What if I'm ruining my life? What if something goes wrong and it ruins my marriage? That's a stupid thought there b/c I know my husband stands by me and supports all I'm going through BUT I know he's not understanding my fear. He says I've researched to death and read constantly so why question things now? I know most people who post are b/c they have an issue and most just move on with their lives and dont post.

Last month I had to postpone 4 days prior to surgery. I was so stressed right about the same time frame. I've got 8 days left. I was hoping it wouldn't hit so hard again. I want to run to my surgeon and my GP again but know it won't solve my emotions. I feel like saying forget it and just try to live with my issues. This is just fear speaking I'm sure. 2 weeks from now I'm sure I will be so thankful. Am I crazy??? Why is this so hard? I'm 44. I lost 5 babies after my last son was born, the last being when I was 41. We knew we couldn't carry a baby again and the pain of the losses was getting to be too much. My husband always wanted a girl. We have 2 boys. He's very happy and yes finished having kids now. A month ago I felt pregnant but I knew I wasn't. He said it better be a girl so deep down I know he'd be thrilled. Everyone knows if they find a baby, leave it on our doorstep. Just a running joke we have. We always help friends out watching their kids etc. All of a sudden today I feel like I'm cheating him out of another child. Is this all just emotions speaking? I know they're aren't rationale thoughts?

I read some great reassuring thoughts on another thread that completely helped a couple days ago. Now I'm nuts again. I've been having tension headaches for the last month almost every day. My chest is tight with worry. I'm staying busy but it's not enough. I wish I had a magic wand to make this all just go away. My body hasn't been the most cooperative and I've had too many surgeries. I don't want another one. I'm angry at my body for failing me and putting my family through yet another turmoil. Sorry to be such a downer. I don't know where else to turn. I wish I was 2 so I could throw myself into a temper tantrum. Thanks for listening.

Researching before having the surgery is important, but now it sounds like you have done more than enough and are just stressing yourself out further. Why not take a break now, until your surgery is done? Stay away from any health sites on the Internet! Try to go about your normal life, and keep yourself as busy as possible. Do something fun and nice for yourself: a new haircut, mani/pedi, massage or something. That is what helped me to stress out much less.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I can only tell you a little of my story - hope it helps.

I am normally calm, stoic, and intellectual about things. But, this surgery somehow cut through all that and effected me greatly. I think that is the reason I still come to this site so much.

I read so many medical journals, I think I covered them all. I read everything else. I didn't really trust my doctor - figured she just wanted the money for the surgery. I watched gory surgery videos. I kept exploring options -- hoping something else would fit. If my husband hadn't basically forced me (this isn't as bad as it sounds -- he's a nurse and has seen some bad complications of untreated problems like mine, so he pressured me to take care of it out of love and concern), I think I would still have an enormous uterus and horrible, constant bleeding.

I was almost unbearable to live with for the 6 weeks before my surgery date. The day before, I felt like is was preparing to go to my execution.

Anyway, I wish I could have gone back in time and told myself that it would be okay. The surgery and recover were much easier than I thought, and I don't regret my decision. All my angst was for nothing. However, no one could have told me that before.

It sounds like you have made a well-informed decision that it right for you. Now, just get through the waiting time however you can. Hopefully soon you'll look back and wish you could have told yourself not to worry.

The nerves pre op are very normal, most of us have felt what you're feeling and that's why many women say pre op is the hardest part. The hard part for me was knowing there are no guarantees with this surgery. I was scheduled for a TVH, keeping ovaries. But we never know until we wake up whether our surgery will be converted to a TAH and whether we will actually keep our ovaries. I woke up briefly in recovery and asked "what did he do?"... then I fell back asleep.

We are all so different, and will each have our own recovery experience. You can read 100 stories, but you will have your own story that is unique to you. You've asked your questions, you've done your research, and made your decisions. Try to find a way to be at peace with what you've decided. Put your trust in your surgeon. Meditate, take a bath, go for a walk. Freeze some meals, scrub your house, and prepare your recovery nest. Then get outside with your family and have some fun! Distraction is key, but I found that very difficult to do once I was in bed at night. Then the fear set in and the tears came. If you're having troubles sleeping, it's ok to ask your doctor for Ativan or something similar.

Having a hysterectomy can be one of the most difficult decisions we will ever make. It was very personal, frightening, and emotional for me. I did not want to lose my uterus and give up my fertility. It took a great deal of strength for me to go through with it.

If you are seriously doubting your decision, I would suggest postponing again. Once it's out, you can't put it back and regret is a really unpleasant thing to live with. But it sounds to me like you've put a great deal of time and thought into this, and these are likely normal fears. Once you're certain, keep busy and keep moving forward. We are here for you!

You are not crazy and so not alone. My surgery isn't until June and I am researching all the time. This morning I spoke with my sister saying maybe I don't need this surgery ...what if I'm making a mistake...and it's driving me nuts going back and forth with should I or shouldn't I do this. You sharing how you are feeling has helped me see that we all go through these feelings. I know that for me it is a good choice. But my fear is getting the best of me. The ladies above gave some good suggestions so hopefully these next days will go by and before you know it your surgery will be behind you and you will be on the road to recovery and feeling better. Enjoy your Easter. Best wishes.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy and your support. Usually surgery doesn't scare me. This one however has instilled much different feelings. I had my sons Scout Camp we did last weekend to focus on. This weekend it's Easter. I do have many things I have to do this week to help occupy me. I've cooked meals to freeze already. I'll do a few more. Today actually cleaning all morning. Tomorrow going for lunch and a hike with my sons grade 1 teachers. Both my boys had her. They're in gr 2 and 4 now. She's like their adopted young grandmother. We love her. The weathers been beautiful so hoping to go for some nice long walks on my own. I think between all I have to do this week along with prepping and cleaning it will go by fast. I may be going to the hospital alone so that freaks me out. My husband can go if I'm the first surgery of the day so they're trying to slot me in then. He's a Chiropractor so it's hard to close down especially after a long weekend. He doesn't work Tues so that takes a lot of time away for his patients. At first this didn't bother me. My dad was taking me but he had a stroke last month so can't. May enlist a friend but I'll see. I don't take ant meds to calm me. I react very strongly to meds. 0.5 mg Ativan made me so sick. I even have all my meds I can use for pain and in case of an asthma flare up written with dosages etc. I don't handle narcotics. I'm having repairs done too so lots of work being done. Hope we can control the pain without me vomiting profusely. I had my esophagus repaired a year ago so vomiting is very bad for me. It can damage my previous surgery. Unfortunately I've had vomiting issues with gallbladder attacks and it's removal this past year too. I'm a big pucker....not a good quality. No amount of meds control it very well.

Ok enough babbling. Time to dust. Again thanks for listening. I'm sure I'll be babbling a lot this week. Forgive me.

Sounds like you're feeling a bit calmer. Great that you have plans to keep you busy. Will send up prayers for you and for your sensitivity to medications. Happy Easter to you and your family.

Yes groky today I've been calmer. Couldn't sleep last night so up til 4am. Being overly tired makes me too tired to worry so much. Maybe I should stay sleep deprived this week. :-) I think so many if us go round and round on if we are doing the right thing or should we opt out. I never realized how tough this decision would be. It's not cut and dry for most if us which I guess we should be thankful for as well. Started the cleaning process today. Hope to stay on top of it all. I have a big house and 2 little boys who can make it look like a hurricane tore through in a very short time. I'm truanting them young to clean up after themselves but it's like talking to a wall most times. Hope your Easter went great. Hope your sister has been able to be a good support for you.

Good that you are getting things done around the house and good you are training you kids to clean up after themselves. Sorry about the hard time sleeping, that's rough. Just think you are almost to your date. Just a week away. This time next week you'll be resting and post op. Maybe you can do something fun for yourself this week. I have two months to go and it is on my mind all the time. Lol you have a good week and be kind to yourself.

Hang in there. I highly suggest you have someone take you and stay with you through pre op. And the calming drugs before surgery are worth it. They will probably put anti nausea meds in your IV and I highly suggest asking your doc for some after. Have your friend or hubby stay so they are in your room waiting for you when you are out. It is soooo comforting and reassuring to see a familiar face coming out of post op. Helps to bring you back to reality. Good luck. You can do this!!!