Lack of post-op support at home (pregnancy/children mentioned)

God draws straight with crooked lines, Betts. A year later I had a wonderful perfectly healthy son who is now almost twenty one years old. While Josh didn't "replace'" Jamie, we certainly wouldn't have had him if Jamie hadn't died, so I have him to be thankful for every day. Things happen for a reason, and some day, I'm going to know what the reason was. But I wouldn't trade Josh for anything.

Nightauel

	Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightauel God draws straight with crooked lines, Betts. A year later I had a wonderful perfectly healthy son who is now almost twenty one years old. While Josh didn't "replace'" Jamie, we certainly wouldn't have had him if Jamie hadn't died, so I have him to be thankful for every day. Things happen for a reason, and some day, I'm going to know what the reason was. But I wouldn't trade Josh for anything. Nightauel

That is so very true, I look back on my life and realize that God knew all along that I had to have my babies (I had several others first) early cause my body was going to give out on me. I know there are ladies here that are grieving the babies they never got to have. I wish that kind of pain didn't exsist, but boy do we learn from it. I know I can't look at anything the same since I lost my babies.

Dear Betts,

Girlfriend,don't think of it as whining, think of it as chatting with your teeth clenched! We have all been there and done that though most not to the extent that you have! Bless your heart, you have been through so much and for your "friend" to be so insensitive is beyond me. Maybe we could all harass her with some "leave our Princess alone" e-mails!!HA! JK! But, seriously, you may want to just surround yourself with positive people only for awhile. Negative people just make you feel worse and you don't need that.

Mental s from me to you! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Christie

Betts, I really feel for you. You have endured so much over the past year. People are insensitive. The day before I came out of the hospital a friend emailed me to ask if I was alive and living. I was horrified.
I was concerend about the surgery and the drugs and pulling through and this is what I got. Nothing about helping me or bringing over some kind of dinner since she knew I was alone during the week. Your friend is just as insensitive. I tested it on a couple of people back in January when I found out I was having the surgery. I got very little if any kind of support. I decided to tell nobody else. My parents and that's it. The last thing I need is anyone telling me (and certainly any people at work) that I should be up and about by now. Today I don't feel good. I felt better last week. Keep your calls to a mininum with these types of people. I actually took the phone off when I laid down for nap because I'm so sick of getting calls from sales people selling me windows and doors or duct cleaning....UGH.
Someone wrote once that they think people say that "we'll be fine or it's no big deal" because they can't really deal with it and don't know how to express their concern. If they can't deal with it then they should just keep their mouth shut. Come over and help with bringing cooked meals or stay away. I'm so sorry you have those so called friends in your life. Sometimes women can be so cruel to their own sex.
I wish you well......
M.

Betts, I wish I could reach through this machine and give you such a big hug for real, but know that you are not alone and there are so many people here who care about you and understand.
I had my surgery the same day you did, and I am far from being back to normal.
As for the c-sections, I had 3 and this is worse. Just ask your friend how long it took her to recover from her hyst and when she says she never had one, tell her then she really has no idea.
I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy and they told me that I would probably lose my last son, which was the main reason for the tubal. I told the doc if the baby was healthy that I couldn't go through it again. I woke up from the surgery not knowing. I couldn't believe how many family and friends still to this day ask "I can't believe you didn't want to have a little girl".
If they could have spent 1 day with the fear I had that whole pregnancy, they would have understood. I guess that's the problem, sometimes people have no empathy or sympathy for what others are going through.
In your case Betts, maybe you should distance yourself from this friend..at least for now. You have enough to deal with in your life without having someone upset you everytime they speak to you.
I hope your recovery goes well and quickly. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We are here for you,
Kimberley

It's definetly not whining, Betts!!! You have a right to feel bad about everything you have went throuhg for as long as you need to feel bad!!! There is no healing timetable fairy who drops by once a day to forward our progress for us, we all heal, both physically and emotionally, at different paces.
Here's a suggestion, put a outgoing message on your voice mail "I have had major surgery too recently to feel like being social at this time. Please leave a message and I'll call you back when I feel like it....or not."
Or just answer the phone: "I had surgery a few days ago and do not feel like talking please do not call for a few days until I am further along in my healing process" and hang up before the party on the other line says a word.
I have actually answered the phone like that twice in the past couple of days - both times when I didn't recognize the number on caller ID. Neither number has called again.
Say it like it is, don't pull any punches, and don't worry about hurting anyone's feeling - if someone doesn't understand that you might not want to hear how they think you should feel, then they aren't much of a friend anyway.
Vent to us any time you need to, girl!!!!

I find more often than not, people just don't know the right things to say which can hack you off because they can be just a little clueless about *your* situation. I know when I had my my miscarriage that I didn't find anyone necessarily *that* sympathetic....I got "Oh you're young and you can have more" from friends. Not a response I wanted to hear. The same thing went with my son was born with club feet....I was just so thankful to have a baby and was living in Europe at the time and a girl I knew from my birthclass who was out strolling her child as I was walking mine asked me what was going on and then had the audacity to say "Well I am glad that didn't happen to *my* child" and she said it in a matter of fact tone, which was devistating to a then 22 year old new mother. When I was sent home five months pregnant with my daughter (I was bleeding and having issues) and the doctor told me "whatever happens, happens", my friends said "oh you can have more if this one doesn't work out"...yeah, ok, like you can actually replace a child! Again, this isn't what you want to hear....so I started really adding two and two together and what it boils down to is people *really* don't know what to say.
My hubby, kids, and best friend treated me wonderful....I can't say enough about any of them, but my best friend actually summed up my parents and in-laws and others who knew me....she said that "even when you are sick Sharon, ppl just don't expect you to be any less because you are typically not a complainer/whiner (and I am not). My mother actually had a fit because my husband didn't *play* up my problems when I was first put in the hospital....but in actuality in my case, they really didn't know what they were going to find when they operated and he would never just surmise there was more going on when there was not. My mom likes drama and my husband is not a drama king. He is an ex-paramedic who would only give the facts. He was very much my protector....but I had the same problems because my own family thought I should bounce right back and it actually took me six weeks to feel halfway decent and nine to even get to the point that I could go back to work and then I still wasn't what I would call 100%. You have every right to be upset, there is no doubt about it, but I think when it is all said and done your friends and family just might not understand because if you are normally a person that isn't needy by nature, they just expect you to bounce back fast. Natually, that is not an excuse for their ignorence, but I really think the wisdom of my best friend is right on after giving it a lot of thought. I actually had to explain to my mother several times that I wasn't feeling as good as *she* thought I should be feeling and that she should remember that I was getting a little age on me as well.....this was after she wanted me to head out to lunch 3 weeks after my surgery...heck, I didn't drive for a month because I was still woozy from the anesthetics!
Side note, my *premie* daughter was amazing during my illness as well....she was dealing with anxiety issues, but she went and made special trips to get me food when I said I thought I could eat something (I had a LOT of issues with eating)....it might have been only two bites of something, but she would run right to the store and get it....I am so fortunate to have a wonderful, loving daughter!
Hang in there!

Ladies
We need a big ole pajama party. I really do think it takes someone who has had the losses to understand that another's loss is painful. I think you are right that some people just don't know what to say, don't know how to deal with it and don't really understand because they've never even thought about it, much less experienced it. My own mother was more insensitive than anyone without ever realizing it. Everyone has always expected me to be tough because I always have been. Actually, I don't like to share my vulnerable side with everyone. Just a certain few. Anyway, It's great to be positive but you still have to grieve and feel the awful stuff too so you can be done with it. I can't look for the rainbows until the storms have passed.
Elaine

Betts, I believe you posted on another thread on here started by somebody who was back at work 2 days after surgery, doing laundry, etc. etc. etc. I was so frustrated with that thread because althought he "pre-op" women do need to hear that there are women who recover quickly, I think those recoveries are VERY unrealistic and the exception, not the norm. I also don't think those women are being safe. And I was SO TIRED of getting the same response from so many people in my life -- they all knew someone who had a hyst and were up and around and doing stuff right after surgery. My recovery has been relatively uneventful and pretty much what was to be expected -- which means I am NOT doing laundry, NOT lifting, NOT shopping till I drop, NOT working or working out.....I'm following my doctor's orders, common sense, and listening to the cautions of my sisters on here. I've read too many posts from people who overdid it in the first few weeks and ended up with adhesions and other complications, weeks or even months later. I don't know what the answer is to those insensitive people who insist they know better than us how we ought to treat our bodies. I'm blessed that the people closest to me are very supportive, but I don't want to hear another story of someone's miraculous recovery and why I should get off my duff and be like them!

Sorry for the angry-sounding venting!! You just hit on my pet peeve with this post. You hang in there, Betts! Don't let 'em get to you! Just take care of yourself at your own pace.

Love,
Maureen

It's definately not easy to understand what comes out of some peoples pie hole. I have experienced the loss of a baby at 7 months. I was allowed to keep my baby in the room with me for awhile. My very best friend (or so I thought) came in and actually said, "why would you want to keep "that" in here with you." Needless to say, it was the last time I spoke to her.
As far as the recovery goes, everyone is different. TOTALLY different. I am at almost 8 weeks and feel no where near ready to do what most people think I should be doing. My brother was a good one for off the cuff comments about me "milking" my recovery. I just told him to go have his uterus cut out and then we would compare notes.
I have always been a sympathetic and empathetic person, so those who are not really throw me for a loop when something ignorant comes out of there mouth.
Betts, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for a wonderful recovery, both physical and emotional. Keep those who are uplifting close to you and those who aren't can go take a long walk off a short peir.
Cathey