Helping my son deal with my surgery ..

I'm scheduled for surgery on 3/17. I have an 11 year old son who is not only having to deal with me having surgery but also his parent's getting a divorce. I have been separated from his father for a year and he has handled it well but it is a lot for a child to deal with. He is a very loving and sensitive young man and doesn't always talk about what is bothering him because he doesn't want to upset me.

Can anyone give me advice about how to help him so that it is not so stressful for him?

I have been reading posts since my Dr first recommended surgery. I am thankful for this website because it has helped me to learn what I need to know to make this all easier to handle. Thank you!

Hi Lisa, I have a daughter and she is 12. I'm sure it will be different for a boy but my daughter was really scared about me having surgery. She refused to go to school the week I was in the hospital. She had to go with me for my pre-op the day before. She stayed right there in the room with me all 3 days. And it worked out quite well after I came home because school was closed due to snow for several days after that. The only thing that I know to tell you is just be honest with him. Explain exactly what they are going to do to you and that it is a normal procedure and that they do it all the time and that you will be fine and feel much better after you have it done. I do think that it helped my daughter to understand what they were going to do.
I hope that you will have someone to help you out when you come home because you will need plenty of rest and alot of help.
Good Luck! I believe both of you will be just fine.

Lisa Kay

Hi there,
I am having surgery on my son's 8th bday this coming monday...He isn't much of a 'talker' when it comes to his feelings...I'm not going through a divorce but we've recently come through some other type of family issues re: other family members...so, it has been a trying year for us all...I try to just stay in tuned to him and watch his moods...for the most part, I can tell when something is troubling him, so I approach him instead of waiting for him to come to me...I just reassure him that everything will be okay and that it's all right to be scared, etc...my son is very upset that I won't be here when he comes home from school on his birthday- but I've made a video tape for him to watch when he gets home...
Kids are more aware than we sometimes give them credit...they have a fear of the unknown just as we do...I know I am the most nervous about not knowing exactly what's going on with me and what I'm facing...so, to a child, I'm sure it's more frightening- we're their mom's- we're the rocks- we're not supposed to be sick...
I guess, just try to not keep him totally in the dark about what's going on; but try not to go too deeply into the details either...and just validate what it is he might be feeling- whethor he expresses it to you or not...i.e. "I know, you might be feeling..."
Good luck with everything!
Ericka

I have a 9 year old girl and an almost 8 year old boy. They were both pretty nervous about Mom having major surgery. I just kept asking them if they had any questions, and then sat down with them when I answered.

Many times, my son would pretend he wasn't listening, but would just hang around while I was explaining things to my daughter. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings, but will act out when his feelings are strong. I just tried to hug him more and talk to him.

There's not much more you can do! Kids manage to get through things. As long as they know where they stand, it'll be ok. I promised my daughter I wouldn't die, and I promised my son that my moods would be better after my surgery. Now, when I get mad, he reminds me that I promised!

Let them be part of the process, and it will help.

Lisa,
If your son will be going to school the day of your surgery, it might be a good idea to let his teacher(s) and the school office staff know that you are having surgery and that he is very concerned. That way if he seems in lala land they will know he is worrying, and not just not paying attention.
I let several of my youngest son's (16) teachers know, and the next day several of his teachers asked him how I was doing. This touched him deeply. He didn't realize anyone would be interested. He has ADD and so has trouble concentrating anyway. I knew this surgery would distract him and so I wanted to make sure others would cut him some slack if needed.
Also, it has been very helpful for him to help me. He comes home from school and checks on me and gets things for me that I can't reach or does things I forgot to tell DH to do before work.
Perhaps if you tell him how he can help when you get home from the castle, he can focus on that and not feel so helpless.
good luck!
Jo

Even more so with Jo! My DS is 17, ADHD and divorced parents. He is very* upset about my upcoming surgery and that I have cancer. I try talking with him and he just withdraws to his video games. He displays his fear as anger and is just yelling at everyone!

He sees a therapist and I went with him last week. He talked to her and I listened. He is terrified that I am going to die. He is terrified that if something happens to me, that he will have to go live with his dad (in Kentucky) and lose the life he knows and loves. His therapist and I both did what we could to reassure him about the surgery. She suggested another visit before my surgery so he will be seeing her on Thrusday.

He told me over the weekend that he is really sorry that he has been such a "butt head" lately but he can't help it.

I wish I could ease his fears some...it is so hard to watch him hurting like this. (not like I'm scared enough myself!)

I have two sons. Both had parent/teacher conferences in the past two weeks. I informed both sets of teachers about my upcoming surgery. They are all very understanding.

My youngest son is my emotional son. He is the one that is going to be upset the most. He is having the last of several proficiency tests on the 10th. I will be insurgery will he is taking his test.

I've explained what they are going to do to me & that his daddy will bring him & his brother to see me when they get home from school. He is more concerned about me dying than about the surgery itself. He told me that he doesn't know what he will do about being with just his brother & daddy without me there.

I let him know that yes there is a possibility that things can go wrong, but that I've had surgery before & always been alright before. I told him that no matter what, I would never leave him. I will always be with him. That's what my mom always told me when she had surgery. She always had a hard time with the anesthetics. Several times she didn't come home when they said she would.

As long as a child can hear his mother's voice, that child will fell less afraid.

Thank you all for you advice .. I had not thought of talking to my sons teachers. I will do that this week so that they know. Fortunately, I have a lot of help .. friends and family close by and I have a 20 year old daughter.

Thanks to everyone on the site for all the information and encouragement!!
:daisy:

Lisa:

I did discuss the surgery with my DD's teacher (she was in first grade at the time). We worked out that my DH would call the school immediately when the surgery was done using the teacher's cell phone so she would know that things were all right.

With the divorce, you are definitely dealing with your son's feelings of loss! Does he have any particular adult friends, (teachers, parents of friends) who you can share this with? My DD did a lot of processing with our next-door neighbor, who is a very close adult friend (I suspect she cried a lot of tears into the friend's dog's fur, too...that's her best animal friend). Clue in whatever community resources your son has so that he feels there is someone, beside you, who he can share his "real" thoughts with.

And don't be too surprised if there's some "acting out" when you get home. My 11 yo stepson reacts that way when he's relieved when there has been this sort of stress.

In short, mobilize school, friends (can he do sleepovers while you are in the Castle?), church, whatever emotional resources he has...this is a big thing, obviously, for both of you. Although it is a private thing, this is a time to remember about it taking an entire village to help raise a child. I hope he and his sister get along, and she is also a resource for support?

Good luck to you. I did, the day of surgery, send a note in my DD's lunch (not that she ate much of it!). She wore a pair of my earrings, and I wore a necklace of hers, and we were re-united later that same afternoon. Your son may want to do something similar, so that he feels your presence around him on that day...

Take care!



Audrey