husband doesn't understand (updated)

I have posted several times concerning my upcoming hysterectomy and how my husband came to the appointments leading up to the decision to have this procedure. He wanted me to seek out a 2nd opinion. He did not like the OB-GYN but I did. I have been dealing with the anemia and low energy and heavy bleeding for months-I look at this surgery as the solution to these problems. I know the cyst is growing on my overy-I want it out. Plus I want to pick when my recovery time will be. The month of August is perfect and if we do this 2nd opinion thing - I know it will agree with the 1st one and it will just drag on and on-so I stepped up and made the decision to have this done. Ever since that moment he has been aloof. No good by kisses-no "I love you" at the end of phone calls-just business-you know pay the bills-who needs to be picked up when? stuff like that. This morning the phone call ended hard. He said he was tired of coming home to a messy house and emotional wife and we have to agree to disagree on this decision. I told him I need his support-I need to talk about this-he does not like that I come to this web site to get support-I told him if I could talk to him I would not be forced to find it else where. I know he is dealing with his own issues. He has a very high pressure job-his health is not the best with being over weight and dealing the high blood pressure. He himself did a hospital visit for 3 days a few years ago and hates the hospital. In fact it is the same hospital. So there are many issues flying around here. I am going to talk with our boys today to get more support-our oldest son who is married will be calling later. I feel that our marriage is in jeapordy-he thinks it is fine that that it is all in my head.

Anyone else deal with a husband you love dearly but just was not there for you when you had a hysterectomy?

I'm so sorry that you are not getting the support you need from your DH. I am glad that your children are old enough to help you. They may be able to help talk with your DH, too.

My husband is an engineer. I had one heck of a hard time talking with him in the first few years of our marriage. I went to a counselor to see if it was just me - or if it was more than just me.

When the counselor heard I was married to an engineer - she laughed. (I didn't think it was funny at the time - but I do now.) She said that engineers think and react differently. They are more "black and white" and "fix it" type of people. She suggested that I when I need support from my husband, that I am supposed to specify how I want him to support me (not just tell him I need his support).

I don't know if this information is of any help - but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Noni

	Quote:
Originally Posted by altosongbird Anyone else deal with a husband you love dearly but just was not there for you when you had a hysterectomy?

Yep Noni,

I have lots of posts about my rotten undear DH. This a.m. I posted that I was going to buy him a muzzle. He is so into himself, could care less. I'm so dissapointed but expected this behavior from him. Thank God my 2 DD's 22 & 9 are here for me, and my son & wife came down on discharge day with the baby & a ton of food.
The reason my son came is because he wanted to make sure I was going to be taken care of. I raised 3 wonderful kids. (me, not him)

Feel free to vent. I bet mine is worse, we'll compare notes. You can look in my journal and see how I rag about him. 28 years of crap.

Today the clutter in our house was bugging him so he says. Tough noogies!!!! I told him to "start cleaning", " you don't even wipe the kitchen counter when you're done" I've had to tell him 2 times in the past 2 days, I had major surgery 2 1/2 wks ago and lots of sticthes inside, so he had better think about upsetting me this much and pushing me so far. Yesterday I felt like he was going to make me throw up, I let him get to me and got sick inside. I really hate (yes, hate) him almost all of the time. Sad but true. Now he's in the freezer saying it's a mess. I packed the freezer pre surg. And let me tell you, I am clean freak, most peoples houses are never as clean as mine. I'm not so good at closets though.

When he feels like crap, he tries to take us all down with him. I pointed that out to him this a.m. he talks to me & my 9 yr old DD like we are his servants. He's been out of work since Sept due to a work injury and is awaiting surgery, so having to deal with this and that and me really makes him a monster. I just ant to be treated like he treats his friends. He can be yelling and taking his nasty talk to me and then get a phone call and be all nicey, nice, to them. I want to hit him on the head with a frying pan (as my Mom would say)

My hyster has somewhat empowered me (journal) and when all is said and done here and we are both back on our feet and hopefully his case & mine settles big, I will finally have the resources to escape. I'm old enough 45 and have had enough. I want my life and a good life for me & my girls. I am able to say that today and mean it. That is progress. My son is waiting!!! They are all onboard.

I could go on and on and on.

Try to limit your expectations, it's hard, rely on the people who WILL help you, easier said than done, I know to well. The serenity prayer helps alot.
.....To accept the things I cannot change,
.... the Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not very religious at all, but have been doing alot praying in my head since just before surgery.

Take care of you, pretend you have blinders on and ear plugs in. I try and do that.

Liz

Men can be so inconsiderate. Why is it they get permisson to treat us like that?

I do not have any parents left, so often, I end up venting to my MIL, but she is old school and always says that, "Well, your the wife" or "He works a lot" (I am a SAHM). Lately, I have begun the SO regime. SO WHAT if he works long hours - I sit and bleed all day. SO WHAT if I am the wife - I should be accorded some civil liberties.

DH and I fight over money because he doesn't think I should spend any. And we fight when I feel he is not loving and caring enough - which is often.

Here is an example: Last night we were talking about my surgery, which is tentatively scheduled for August 1. He is planning on talking two weeks off for the surgery. I assumed it was so he could care for me and take our three kids-- he informs me that he hopes I can do ok for myself and that there is still yard work to do, etc.. when he is off and can the baby (15 months) stay with me. HELLO?? Did you hear what is happening to me? I also told him yesterday that while the surgery is tentatively scheduled, if the doctor gets an emergency or more urgent situation, I could get bumped and he got mad at me for screwing up his work schedule.

We cannot choose who we love, unfortunately. And while you hate him now (and I can understand why) be cautious as some of the intensity could be hormonal - especially with cysts on your ovaries.

He probably has lot of insecurities about being out of work, etc.. and not being able to provide for his family - men are funny about that.

Know that we all are here for you and it sounds as if your kids will be there too.

One day at a time!

Cris,

Thanks. Nope, these are the same exact thoughts for years now, I am sure of that.

I do understand all his insecurites especially the money and never being able to go back to his job again, it is our life too, but there really isn't any excuse for the way he behaves. Most men love work, the idea of going, earning and the comradarie of the guys. He misses that, I know. Our situation has taken a bad marriage and made it worse. It been this way for many years.

MY DH thinks I should be doing more or I'll get in a rut and not do anything. It's way too soon for yardwork and heavy cleaning. I keep telling him it's not just his world, we are here too.

Thanks again, good luck to us all!

I am so sorry. The idea that a marriage could be ending is not a good way to be healing.

My cousin just ended a 10 year marriage that he realized was a mistake within days of making - they had talked about kids, where they would live, etc... and then the day after they got married she said she did not want kids and the trials and tribulations followed. As a result, I think his spirit has died and he has a bunch of health issues (he is part woman, I swear - a very sensitive man). He has been devastated but finally stood up for himself.

I hope that time and perspective will give you strength and vision to get what you want from your life!

Oh gosh.....

I can relate to alot of that stuff, and songgirl, good for you seeking support and eduvating yourself in what you are about to encounter!

Men are a different species, especially in the communication department. When I first read your post I was feeling like perhaps your DH was truly wanting to play a role in your care and decisions. When you decided to not go with the second opinion perhaps he started to feel like the power has been taken out from his sails.

He needs to understand that ulitimately this is your decision. Sometimes we woman have to pamper their egos like it or not. I would go to him and share with him how much his support has meant to you, and that the fact he is feeling so butt hurt right now shows he cares and is concerned, and you dont want to give that up for anything! You are sorry that he is hurting, but you are soooooooooo tired of feeling like crap. You want to get this done and over with so things can go back to normal, even your love making. Sometimes you have to make them think you are doing some things solely for their benefit.

Somebody mentioned the serenity prayer, There is alot of wisdom in that. Another thing that I try to remember is...........I cant change ANYONE. The only thing that I can change when it comes to others, IS HOW I FEEL. Best of luck to you. ~Anju

Anju - that is a great thought! You should add it to your signature line. Its true, you cannot change anyone -but you can change the way you feel. It goes along with YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE - SOMETIMES ITS A CHOICE IN ATTITUDE.

Altosongbird.....is your DH scared of you passing away due to the surgery? I'm a paralegal, not a pyschiatrist, but it sounds to me like he is having abandonment issues and is reacting with control and anger instead of care and support?

I certainly hear what you are saying....my husband never came to any of my appointments and on the day of surgery i was sitting up there on my own waiting to go in. (TAH due to endometrial cancer). The day after my surgery...that's right no visits....he phoned me and had me in tears sobbing my heart out for an hour. I came home on day 3 to a dh and dd that decided it was time to declare world war 3.
I eneded up getting my own tea, attending to my 17mth old daughter, and have done it all ever sinse. No support no encouragement etc....so by god do i hear what you are saying.
Unfortunately men are insensitive, selfish, egotistcal brutes at times.
You need to be firm and tell your dh ( i swear some very clever lady had those initials for something else) that the sooner you have this operation the sooner you will recover and get on with your life in a more normal way. I agree with buttering him up, make him think that it is a big sacrafice to get FULL normality back in your life. That you are doing it for him. I know it goes against the grain but somehow they do respond to it. I just put mine through the biggest roller coaster ride he has ever been on. They are just like kids.(well actually at times kids are more intelligent) use a bit of reverse phycology and a really big hint from a clever lady on here. After the op dont get out of your pj's. It sends the message that you are really sick. As soon as you get dressed you are doomed.
I sincerely hope that it all gets better for you. If you need to talk at all feel free to pm me any time.