AM I ABnormal?

Hi girls

I've just read the "Am I Normal" thread and it's put me in even a deeper depression.

Today is a week since my doc advised a hysterectomy (fibroids, adeno, ultra-heavy bleeding, plus daily pain which escalates to labour pains when Aunt Flo is visiting) and we set the date (all the other options just delay the inevitable), but I still have serious moments of crying and not wanting the hysterectomy.

From a physical point of view, I can't wait, but the emotional side is slightly more complicated, especially since I always hoped for another child.

It's especially hard when someone says to me "Don't worry about it!"

I want to scream a rather sarcastic reply along the lines of, "Why not? Should I not worry that I am losing part of what has defined me as a woman for my whole life? Should I not be thinking about what really defines me as a woman? Should I not be considering the impact this might have and make peace with those things *before* I undergo this irreversible surgery?"

Today I got extremely angry and sad when a very dear friend told me that I shouldn't mourn the loss, but rather focus on the positives.

I couldn't help but ask her if she would tell Cheryl (another friend who lost her brother over the weekend) not to mourn the loss and look on the positives right now. Later maybe, yes, but right now?

[It's taken me a while to realise that losing a rather painful, swelly and bleeding womb is very different to losing a healthy 21-year-old brother. Now I need to phone DF and apologise! ]

URGH

I'm so tired of the emotional ups and downs.

Anyone else experiencing it? Anyone come through it and able to give me some encouragement? Surely this emotional rollercoaster must end at some stage?

Also, if anyone has a kind answer I can give to people who clearly do not understand, who want to be helpful but who are actually hurting me with their insensitivity, please share it! I don't want to hurt others because i am hurting.

Thanks for listening
Ansie

Ansie-
There are no wrong feelings. If you need to mourn right now, then by all means, take the time to do that. I don't know if you saw it but there is also an aching hearts forum. You are certainly not alone.
I can only hope that soon you will move into a stage where you will feel good about the decision. I am going in to the castle in a couple of hours and I am very glad to finally have it done!
Meanwhile, take advantage of the sisters, this is the one place you will find people who really understand what you are going through.
Laura

Thanks for sending me to Aching Hearts - I've read and wept and somehow the crying more has helped.

It's really helped to know that my feelings are normal and that others have come through this - and now have smiles.

Sorry if I depressed everyone!
Ansie

I am glad you found it helpful. Don't worry about depressing others here, we have all been through our own range of emotions!
Take Care
Laura

Hi Ansie!
Sounds like you have been thinking a lot about the surgery...as already stated, there are no "wrong" or "right" feelings.
After reading your post, I would say that if you actually compared the grief felt over the possible loss of your uterus (which is essentially a diseased organ causing you pain) to the loss of a human life, even for just a brief moment, you definitely will want to do more research and talk to others and put off the surgery until you are absolutely at peace with it. Try not to be depressed I have no children and regarded the removal (not loss) of my uterus and the best thing that could possibly happen to me at this point in life. This site is an excellent resource and talking to others was a big help for me, too. Try to keep your spirits up!!! It's tough but I'm sure you will come to the place where you need to be.
Kim : )

Ansie,
You are not abnormal with your feelings--they are real to you! I think what you read in the "Am I Normal" thread is someone who had finally come to terms with her hysterectomy. I believe a lot of sisters (if not most) go through a type of grieving process (shock, denial, etc..) and finally come to accept that this procedure is the best answer for their health/quality of life. I most certainly experienced this with my recent LSH surgery. As other sisters have said, there is no right or wrong feelings here. Its just what you're going through right now--its your perspective of the situation and no one should tell you how/what to feel with this. Let the "grieving process" continue, but if you continue to be hesitant about the surgery, talk to your dr., seek another opinion or postpone the surgery until you've finally come to terms with your decision and believe this is what is best for you.

As for giving an answer to those who "think" they are encouraging you, (besides a thump on the head) just tell them, "Thank you for your concern" and then ignore their comments. Most people are uncomfortable in these situations and don't really know what to say and often come up with these type of comments. If its a close friend just ask them to "be there for you" and cry with you, if need be. Sometimes all we need is just a big

Sending you lots of s!

Ansie, you are definitely not abnormal. I'm feeling the same way as you. I've never even had a child. I'm 41, and now people are saying, "well, you probably wouldn't have anyway." But it's not the point. A hysterectomy is a life-changing operation. It solidifies not having a or another biological child. It's difficult dealing with that. I'm just telling people that unless they've gone through it, they can't understand. But in their defense, it's a hard thing to try to console someone on...they probably just don't know what to say and it's not out of lack of concern.

Anyway...I feel the same way as you, and I think your feelings are very normal.

SLeigh123
TAH / BSO - 4/4/06

Every woman has an individual way of feeling about this surgery. Some rejoice in the fact that this will be an end the problems they have had for more years than they care to remember. Others, mourn the children they never had, and they the grieve the fact that once the surgery is done, the possibility of another child is gone.

I am one of the rejoicers, but not at the expense of those woman that need some time to mourn, and accept and come to terms with as Sleigh123 said, with a life altering surgery.

I am sending you good thoughts, and wishes that you find peace within this, and that you are able to come to a place where you can meet your feelings and accept them.

Take Care. T.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.
I hope to be at the point were those who posted in the AM I Normal thread are by the time I need to go into the castle (6 April) - my doc says working through the mourning process is part of getting there for some women.
Each day is definitely easier, because the physical pain gets worse, so the decision makes more and more sense emotionally (physically it has made sense from Day 1).
Re suggestions to get a 2nd opinion etc: this was the third opinion. They all agree: hysterectomy is the only real option, although there are other options that will provide temp relief.
It was only when this third doctor *also* suggested a hysterectomy that I realised I was putting myself and my family through unnecessary pain by delaying what seems to be a complete solution to the physical issues.

Thanks again for allowing me to share the issues.
Hugs to everyone

I, too, am a rejoicer! I am so happy to rid of my uterus, but I totally understand that not everyone feels this way. There are plenty of different things that effect how we feel about this surgery. Our age, whether or not we have children, want more children etc. I am 42 years old, have 2 sons aged 22 and 20 and have been married for 23 years. I was done with my uterus many years ago and don't feel like it makes me more of a woman. I feel refreshed and reborn since my surgery. Everyone has the right to feel however they do. Don't feel badly about that. Like all grieving, time is the healer. Take time for yourself. Soon, all of this will be behind you. My prayers are with you.

Mar