Angry b/c of wacky family

Hi ladies, me again....
My father-in-law's father died yesterday. We knew it was coming as we have all been in and out of the hospice center all week. Anyway the funeral is being held off b/c they are having trouble locating some family members so they want to schedule the funeral for next week. Thats right we are putting Granpop Tippytoes on ice to wait for 4 people who no one has heard from in years. There is a slight possibility that b/c of an elevation in death around here that the actual service will be next friday my surgery day!!!!! Bob's mom feels I should postpone or reschedule my surgery as "its not that important". Yes she actually said that to me. And the best thing is Bob is agreeing with her! I didn't say a word I just shook my head and walked away. Of all times for him to agree with mommy. So this moring about 9am I finally spoke to them both I told her that no I am not changing my surgery b/c I don't want to. And I told Bob that he should know how much I have suffered over the years and how hard it was for me to face having to have major surgery then getting into the mindset that its being done. I am not changing it. He did apologize but still.
Frankly I think having the funeral soonest is better for the close family and then if needed later we could have a memorial Mass with the family we can't reach. Closure is something we all need when a loved one dies and the funeral process is good closure. (Friend of mine is a grief counselor).
Anyway I have been ranting like a mad woman since 7pm yesterday, no internet b/c all the kids were on the computers and we had to be with Bob's parents.
OOOH Bob's dad did take my side and said I shouldn't have been asked to change my date.
Thanks for listening to me, I truly appreciate this web-site. Thank you!

HI,
This is my opinion I will be sharing with you.

You have been dealing with alot right now, and rescheduling your surgery could bring on more stress to your body.

I agree that the grieving process should take place ASAP. To wait is harder on the immediate family and friends close by.

You should not put off something that is going to make you healthier. All the things you listed are very important medical issues that should not wait. And you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to finally take care of this.

I will keep you in my prayers on your decision. And I will also lift up in prayer your mother-in-law and husband to support you and understand your needs as well.
God Bless,
Colleen

maybe since a funeral is serious business, and let's face it a body wasn't meant to stay above ground for that long after death, pushing sugery ahead a few days wouldn't be such a bad idea. I take it this is your husbands grandfather right? Knowing how close my family members are I would have my husband try to get through this first. If I have been able to tolerate the pain for years as you put it a few more days should not make that much of a difference? (again my opinion) Besides I would have approached it like this, out of respect for the family I will choose to postpone my sugery say a week or 5 days tops. If I approach it from this angle I turn out to be the considerate, angelic, person. Besides, I would rather appear to be an angel than a selfish, me,me,me, person. Your husband will appreciate it too! Then he will feel less pressure and frustration as well. He can be there for everyone in their time of need, including his darling,angelic wife!?

Yes, I do agree with Bugg that if rescheduling (if it can be done fairly soon) would help your husband and his family members to be there for support to do so.

I didn't mean to be too selfish....just thinking of the pain.

Sincerely talk it over with your husband and his mom and truely seek out your hearts decision.
Good luck and God Bless.

Dear Redzz,
I just couldn't believe how bloody selfish your family were!!!! I know death does strange things to people and maybe that's why they said what they said.

But i don't agree. I think you should go to the funeral if you can, but i wouldn't postpone the surgery or change the date.
This is your time to think of you and maybe you need to be selfish for a bit.
I know it sounds selfish, but i just don't agree with them asking you to put off your op. Or you MIL saying it wasn't important. I am of the opinion that it is not being "selfish" to think of your health!!!!

I think it's very important, it's important to you. It is something major for you and they should respect that.
I'm sure that the dead man wouldn't want you arguing over him!

Go ahead, have your surgery. It needs to be done on the day you have scheduled and to put it off or change it will put added stress onto you that you don't need now!!

Hope all goes well for you. I had my TAH on May 12, and feel fantastic!!!!

Blade

Although I can understand how you feel, if it were me I would talk to my doctor about the possibility of rescheduling. Death can't be timed and who knows what the reasons are for trying to find the 'missing' family members. Personally I wouldn't want to have my surgery on a day my family was trying to take care of a funeral and visiting relatives. If there really is no other choice, of course you put yourself first.

I TOTALLY disagree with rescheduling the surgery. I don't think you'd be selfish to take care of yourself. Having suffered for almost 30 years myself and being the one who always takes care of everybody else, this is the one time that I'm dropping all for me. You won't be of any use to anyone if that surgery gets put off & causes problems with either your health or stress level.

No, death is not something you can control. BUT, the man died this week (and I don't mean to sound cold here). My Grandfather used to tell all us grandkids that death was a natural part of living and life goes on afterward. It was horrible, horrible to lose him, but the words he raised us on helped.

And, by the way, I had a nutty Aunt that put off burying her husband for almost 3 weeks because not everybody she knew could be there for the funeral. It caused a total uproar with some members of the family because it threw their shcedules out of whack. I watched the whole mess from the sidelines (I was able to go to the funeral), and I can tell you that there were a lot of hard feelings on those who had to make changes in the later dates toward the ones she was waiting for. There were a lot of arguments within the family during those 3 weeks that could have totally been avoided. It's part of life that we can't always be where we're ''supposed'' to be. Life's not that simple.

Death is not conscience of the living's time schedule. But, because you can't be there, does NOT mean that you either don't care or that you're not mourning. It means that you're taking care of yourself and, sometimes, for some of us, that's a hard thing to finally gear ourselves up to do.

I think I would write a nice message to my father in law on what his father meant to the family, a personal note. And let him know that while you're not going to be there because of your health, he and everyone else will be in your thoughts & prayers.

Be strong & take care of you!

Redzz,

I competely agree with Rose on this one. Your health and mental attitude at this point is what is most important. This surgery is a major factor for your health, putting it off to accomodate distant relatives schedules makes no sense. Your husbands family should be a little more sensitive and a lot less judgemental. My MIL is a lot like yours and I have learned to speak my mind with her, my FIL and DH are gems. If I were in your shoes right now I would probably ask my sister or closest friend to accompany me to the Castle until my DH could get there.

Whatever you decide to do you can count of your sisters here. We are here to support each other. Good luck with your family and speedy recovery to you.

Donna

TAH/BSO/LOA scheduled for 9/23/03 with possible bowel resection.
Toxic Shock Syndrome '82, ovarian cysts, polyups in mass, adhesions binding reproductive organs now.

I'm going to weigh in here only because I've had four family members pass away in the last five years.

My FIL was first. They let the family member who was travelling by air arrange the soonest available flight then scheduled the funeral around that. It isn't like the airlines allow reduced fares anymore when a family member dies so the rest of us had plenty of time to plan. We also knew FIL was close to his end after a long battle with cancer.

Then my mother died suddenly - on Thanksgiving Day. Believe it or not, but the funeral home was what delayed this funeral. They had taken the holiday weekend off. She wasn't buried until 8 days later and it was awful that things dragged out so long.

Then my grandmother died - on Christmas Eve Day a year later. We delayed her funeral simply because there were no flights available until after the New Year. Plus we had to ship her body back to the site of her burial. Her funeral was delayed until the first weekend after the new year - a really long way after she passed.

Then my dad died while on vacation in the state where he grew-up. He ended up having two funeral - one in his old hometown than another one closer to his burial location. That also dragged things out quite a bit. It was so long, he ended having to be embalmed twice (long story).

My point in all this is a funeral can be scheduled for almost any day that the family wants unless there are religious reasons to do otherwise. When it comes to in-laws (and often with my own family - another long story), I sit back and let hubby handle them. My surgery is on day X. If the funeral is before that date, I'd like to attend and my husband probably will, too. If the funeral is after that date, I won't be able to attend and hubby can break away for a few hours if the funeral is local. If the funeral is ON that date, then neither hubby and I can attend. However, hubby may meet up with family afterward when he knows I'm safely out of recovery. In ALL cases, no one is staying at our house.

Hi there-
Mmmm, this could be a tough one. I guess it depends on the relationship that you have with your in-laws and your DH. I think writing a personal note to FIL would be a nice idea. I would not postpone surgery, but I would allow DH to go to the Grandpa's funeral and not expect him to be at the castle with you. And definately don't make him feel guilty for chosing dead Grandpa over you.

When my DH grandpa died, I couldn't get time off of work, so only he traveled to the funeral. I would hope that the family would understand your reason for going ahead with the surgery. I agree that you do need to put yourself first. However, if it is going to cause years of family distress, then I would put the surgery on hold, and be the dear angel mentioned in another post.

Good luck to you!