My DH generates so much stress in our house

I think he's either neurotic or high strung. He stresses when he feels overwhelmed but keeps adding things to his plate that cause it. He works full time, is in the national guard, is taking classes online and, he's the chair of our school Improvement council. He wants me to rest and not over do it but constantly snaps at everyone saying how overwhelmed he is because he's doing everything ( he puts it all on his own plate ) I've told him time and again that I need to heal and that is #1 priority right now, take care of me...not changing the air filters, cleaning the house or doing laundry , that stuff can wait... sit with us, watch a movie or play a game. How do I tell him without him thinking Im calling him a lazy <oops! Please see reason for edit below> (yes he takes it like this more often than you know) I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him or secretly do the laundry, clean the house...cook then I pay for with pain and a big swollen belly. I've even agreed to sleep on the couch so he can get sleep since he has to work...am I being selfish? Is this a Hormone thing?

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling supported by him right now. Maybe he is under such a great deal of stress that he is taking it out on you? People handle stresses in so many ways, and his way sure seems to be counter-productive. Trying to think of some kind of reason for him to behave that way, but I can't actually. Maybe you could try talking to him about what his stress is doing to YOU, away from home. Like out at a quiet dinner, just the two of you. You need to be taken care of right now!! With trying to recover from a hysterectomy, the last thing you need to deal with is walking on egg shells around him. Maybe talking away from the stressors will help, and use a more "I feel" rather than the "you did", or "you always". That might help...I sure hope so! Get lots of rest, and hope your recovery goes well!

I'm so sorry you feel that way. Its kinda the opposite here, I have the full plate (and had the hysterectomy) and my husband has a full time job, thats about it. He's totally high strung and just overly stressed about everything. He doesn't talk about things which I'm sure makes it worse. He will come home yelling at the kids because the house is a mess etc, which in turn makes me feel like I have to make cleaning etc a priority to keep him from being so hostile. Its definately a tough situation not matter which end of the stick your on. For the record I don't add to my plate for fun, I do everything I do because it has to be done. What I can suggest is this:

~Do laundry together. When you put things in the dirty clothes try to pre-sort into seprate hampers. Once its washed and dried have him carry it to the bed so you can help fold it. Then you're doing it too so he can't say its all him or act like it is.

~Don't you go tryin to clean the house right now!!! If he wants to clean then let him, but tell him that you'd really be ok if he'd just sit with you and relax after work and save the cleaning for maybe one of his days off. If he resists, then just let him clean it. You can't stress yourself to make him calm down right now.

~ Write him a letter, or type it in a word document and email it. Say what needs said, EVERYTHING that comes to mind. BUT YOU MUST read it and edit it before you send it!!! I find that doing that with my husband helps ease my mind even if it doesn't fix the problem, it got some of it off my chest. I've done this for years with mine and its really the only thing that keeps me from snapping on him. But you have to proofread it. I find I say things wrong and things I don't really mean at first so thats important to do.

~If he's not receptive to helping you with getting food etc, have a friend come over and help you get a stash by the bed! Lots of bottled water, whatever other drinks you need that won't go bad, crackers, fruit snacks things like that and have the friend pick up some cup o soups that you can pop in the microwave to fix yourself. That way if you have to get up to do it its quick and easy, but if you don't feel like it you have stuff by the bed to munch on.

~Sign up for Netflix, get some books or magazines, call and chat with long lost friends, sort all your photos on your computer into neatly organized files, something, anything to keep you busy and distracted. Let your husband deal with himself on his own.

And know that this all too shall pass! Recovery is temporary, you'll feel better at week 2 than week 1 and better at week 3 than week 2 and around week 4-5 you'll wake up and say wow I want to get out of bed (but don't go on a cleaning spree, you're still not ready for that at that point) Just try to worry about yourself and keep yourself distracted as much as you can. Talk to him gently, if he's like my husband I really suggest the email or letter because you can say what you need to without saying the wrong thing or getting interrupted and if he doesn't listen you can't get yourself more down right now. Trust me! I'm 8 months post op and I have had a complicated recovery, did too much too soon, have complications and my husband still doesn't get it. The minute they see yout touch a vacuum, you're healed. I think thats in their man genetics, so stay away from all cleaning products and appliances as long as possible!!

Hang in there you're gonna feel better soon!

First off, your #1 job right now is healing. Period.

As for why your husband is acting this way, it sounds like he's usually in the "overdrive mode", so perhaps your sudden inability to help out is just magnifying things for him.

Whatever the cause, however -- fight the urge to do what you should not do. You absolutely should not do laundry, or any other housework for the time being. Let it all pile up. Make friends with the dust bunnies.... name them if you want.

If you need to, enlist help of neighbors or friends to get things done. But you are not to do anything right now.

If he snaps at you or makes some sort of thoughtless remark, just calmly (and I stress "calmly" - this is what is going to get through) and quietly say, "I really need to follow doctor's orders right now and just take it easy and heal. Sorry I can't help you, but I really can't." And leave it at that.

Hope this helps.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Some good advice here. To top things off for our stress today, our 120 lb golden lab mix threw up in the middle of the living room floor and the hallway...yay!!!

Many gentle hugs as you work through all of these issues. Having a sick pet on top of everything else can't be fun.

I hope you're getting some good help dealing with the day-to-day living stress and that you allow yourself time to heal.

Can you hire someone to come and clean and help with the laundry for the time being? Use paper plates? He may feel like he HAS to do it because it's there. Maybe taking that off his plate would help.