Mama drama...

A little advice please, you ladies are always good for that!


My mother is not well these days, she is addicted to narcotics and is trying to hide it, a big joke! Our relationship is very strained, she has been an addict all my life, and while she has had periods of recovery that have allowed us to have good times, the last 3-4 years have been very strained. A major surgery in '03 got the ball rolling for her this time, and she seems content to be in a drug-induced fog all the time.

When I had my lap in July, I asked her not to come to the castle because it was just a same day thing, I knew she wouldn't be any help and she'd probably just drive us crazy. When I told her about the hyst, I actually asked her to be there... why? Ugh, I don't know. Probably a deep seated need to have her actually give a crap... a girlish dream. Anyway, we've had this planned all along, but she has been MIA, I haven't talked to her in days, and she forgets things all the time. I'm fairly certain at this point that if I don't call her and remind her, she'll forget and won't show up Monday morning. I don't want to call her, I want her to be there on her own or not at all. *sigh* Am I being a baby? High road, or low road? Or no road? ACH! Like I need to deal with this.

Ok, I'm rambling now... sorry so long, I'm just so VERY frustrated!

I'm sorry your mom is behaving like this. I also grew up with a prescription-drug-addicted mother, and you know, even after all these years I still want her to be a mom. I know, intellectually, it isn't going to happen, that just because she's still alive and walking around doesn't mean my mom is alive, KWIM?

As much as I want to change her behavior, I know that I can't. I also know that if I keep expecting things to change, I will keep being disappointed. If it's going to happen, it will not be because of anything that *I* do, it has to be something *she* chooses.

So, I live my life without considering my mother as a mother...she is someone with whom I am acquainted but choose not to have a relationship with. I found that when I set those boundaries a lot of the anxiety and stress I was causing myself went away.

In your shoes, I would not remind her or speak of your surgery to her again...do what you need to do to prepare yourself and don't make her involvement part of your plan. If she shows up, you'll be pleasantly surprised, but if she doesn't it won't cause you to be in turmoil emotionally.

Hugs to you. It's hard, and there's no solution, only different ways of managing the situation.

At lest your mother has an excuse. Call her if you want her to be there. You know her and if she needs a reminder I think you should. Do it for you. My brother employs alot of people and gets all kinds of excuses for their not performing on the job but mostly he gets"My Mom of Dad or Parents never or did..........." His response is "Now that you know what the problem is and you are an adult, what are you going to do about it"? Your parents like my parents are not are choice but they are ours. We know them and they know us. Family is important and so is respect for them. I hope your mother shows up. If she doesn't remember that it is her loss and that you have many other people who love you and capable of giving you the support you need.

hugs to you!

I understand Mom issues. Mine was severly mentally ill. And at the end, the person who was there, in my mom's body wasn't really her, and she'd never be the person i needed. I just had to acccept her for who she was, and put all those other emotions aside. And to be honest it was probably one of my better decisions. My sister still holds a lot of resentment that just isn't going to go anywhere.

Its tough stuff. The only thing I'd say, if you want your mom there, really want her there, then I'd call her. I don't think you are being a baby at all by wanting her to be there for you without having to remind her. But if her missing the date is going to make you very sad and disapointed I would try and avoid it. You would just be punishing yourself (something I have some experience with -- ask me how many times someone forgot my birthday -- which was everytime I expected them to, but tested to make sure....Now I always make sure I make big announcements weeks ahead of time)

Take care of yourself and do what you want for you. If you want her there, call her to remind her. If you know that it will be more distracting and difficult with her there, don't.

I'll play devil's advocate and mention that you will have some narcotics for pain afterward at home. Do you have someone that can ensure they will get to the person prescribed for? Not trying to be difficult, just thinking outloud as we have a similar issue with MIL "borrowing" meds.

Well, as it turns out, she called me tonight, surgery in the AM, and had an entire conversation with me and DID NOT BRING IT UP IN ANY WAY! She has no idea whatsoever that is it is even going on. You'd think at least if she had just lost track of time she would ask how I was doing, was I nervous, had I talked to the doc, that kind of thing. Not one word.

So I didn't say anything, she obviously had a lot to deal with since my aunt is in the hospital and all... and someday I guess we'll have to deal with it. I'm barely holding together as it is right now.

7 hours, 35 minutes to go.

Right now you need to just concentrate on your trip to the castle and getting better for yourself. I know that might sound selfish. But, you have a right to be selfish now. You are about to have major surgery and get control of your health. And, that is the best thing you can do right now for you and your family. Everything is going to go well in the castle, I am sure you will have the nicest nurses and your LAVH will go well. I will be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way. And, remember right now you deserve to be treated like a princess. So, don't worry about your mother as much as you can help it. I know that is easier said then done. Just take it day by day. And, concentrate on getting better!

xoxo,I just read of you on another page. I am also alone and lonely!I believe it was from yesterday.I have no friends or family except for my boys and I cant talk to them about this.Ive been wondering if its okay to cry cuz I just cant seem to bring myself to it no matter how bad I feel. Iwill have surgery in alittle while and Im thunking things to death. I have been on this site for 2 days now and read countlees entries and replied all over the place. I just cant seem to get enough.Im truly thankful for this site just to break my thoughts. One lady even had me laughing earlier. That felt soooo good. I cant believe Im still awake but I really dont sleep much especially since I found out its finally happening.

Princesskipper, you call your mom!!!!! Drugs aside, YOU NEED HER. Be strong and firm.Maybe she needs a nice little kick in the butt for a day. If shes done drugs most her life ,shes not going to stop now.!!!! But you need her and she needs to KNOW that!!! She will set aside her needs for a day or two to be there for you but you have to REALLY let her know that. You might only get that day or two but it will be better than not having her at all. Sometimes no matter how much we want to be angry with our parents,in the end we still need them. For some strange reason, we still need them.I know this road very well.I hope Ive helped some and I will check back in to see how you are. Dont pick no road,youll regret that.

You are not alone. I am up late too as you can see. And, I am a junky for this site since I got my surgery date. I don't have anyone really but the sisters on this site. My mom and friends don't understand. I only have dh and he can only understand so much. Hang in there and we will be here to answer your questions and give you support.