No patience with DH

Hello all of you wonderfully supportive ladies out there!

I think maybe I should bad about this but its true. My dh has been driving me mad. It seems everything he does these days aggravates me to no end. Example: 1 week after surgery he's helping me with my shower I get a pain he just stares at me as though he's lost. I want him to hug me when we sleep he just seems to turn over and snore. Ugghhh!!! He was never like this before it seems. I ask him a question His answer sounds dumb. Anyone else experience this or am I just being selfish?
Any advice to help me get myself together? I know he loves me.

Susan

Did you keep ovaries? If not, are you on hormones? I ask because it could definitely have a bearing on my response.

Beyond the fact that even the most well-meaning and sweet man is basically "clueless" when it comes to this kind of stuff, if your hormones are haywire or non-existent, that could definitely have an impact on you.

Kept everything except top of uterus and 5 pound fibroid

Susan,

First, I don't think you should feel badly. I suspect most of us become irritated at those around us at some point during our recovery.

Second, I've learned not to expect my husband to read my mind. It's unfair to him and too me, it simply isn't a realistic expectation. Your DH probably did feel helpless when you were having pain while showering...and maybe scared too! Try telling him what you need to help ease the pain, or maybe reassure that it's pain you can handle. If you want a hug then ask for one, I do. Try to remember that he may very well may be tired too. My husband says we see things like housework with very different eyes, he asked me to tell him what I want done and he'll do his best.....amazingly enough, he truly doesn't see dirty floors or bathrooms the same way I do.

I don't know what to say about his answers sounding dumb, maybe it's you maybe it's him or maybe a bit of both. If you continue to feel that he's driving you mad, you might want to mention it to your doc. On the other hand, this could be just part recovering....

I have heard many theories over my lifetime about ESP (Extra Sensory Powers).

I believe that ESP is a two way street that is often dead-end. If I can't read his mind, then he likely can't read mine, either.

I also believe that the ESP link is located somewhere in the uterus - because in the last year I have not been able to pick lottery numbers or find the TV remote.



So, the best I can tell you is that the easy irritation is possibly related to the fact that you are in a low level of unrecognized pain while you recuperate. You're tolerating a bit of discomfort, and probably don't realize it. Therefore your reserves of patience are wearing thin. That's why his answers sound frivolous to you.

My suggestion is that he's probably terrified of hurting you, therefore he's not clinging to you at bed time. If you want a hug, grab him, say "come here!" and lay a big smooch on him! Then say something (in your own words) like "I need to know that you're not forgetting we're a couple while I'm recovering." Guys don't get hints. Be Blunt.

You know he loves you. That's a great place to start! Show him "safe" ways to demonstrate that until you're back to 100% and you won't feel so lonely, sad, irritated or depressed.

I agree with everyone, men are pretty clueless, you have to come right out and tell them exactly what you want. I have found that I am more sensitive and take every remark more personally since the surgery, so maybe what you would normally not even notice is getting on your nerves. My DBF was not snuggling anymore either, so I asked him why, he said he was scared he would hurt my stomach. Ask him some direct questions and tell him what you need, and while you do that, ask him what he needs to feel better. I think taking care of people is just harder for men. Hope you feel better soon.

Men are naturally clueless just like women are naturally understanding and caring. I know that I sat down with my DH and talked about how he was treating my differently. For him....it was stress and worry about me and how I was feeling. He was afraid to hug me because he didn't want to hurt me. He was afraid to get to close in bed.....#1 because he was also afraid to hurt me and #2 if he did he would want.....<<<<whipser>>>>>......<<<<<SEX>>>>.....and knew he couldn't have it so he didn't want to get to tempted.

Most men mean well and don't realize that they hurt our feelings. My Dh and I are best friends and we carry on that way. It is nothing for us to cut each other up and poke fun at each other....but now I seem to take it to heart. For example...the other day my belly was so swollen from over doing it...he said to me...." Maybe the MD didn't do the surgery right you look like you are 3 months pregnant"....now this before the surgery would be a normal funny thing to me. I would usually respond with....maybe but why do you look 4 months pregnant... but now I just broke down in tears and didn't talk to him for the rest of the day. He felt awful....but he didn't know what to do. Just like I'm trying to understand how I'm feeling he is trying to understand how I'm feeling. It isn't easy on them either. When I go off the deep end.....I make sure we talk it out when I've calmed down.

Just remeber that he is clueless by genetics.....and we are understanding and caring by genetics. Therefor it balances out and all will be fine. Just try to remeber that he loves you....and you love him. Nothing can take that away.

Do you all really think men are clueless?

I don't think my DH is clueless, but we are different. He's better at some things, I'm better at some things. He expresses himself differently than I do. I just can't envision myself living with, loving, and having a best friend for 25 years who I viewed as clueless. He backs up motor vehicles better than I do.....but he doesn't view me as inept in any way.....just better at different things.

Just the fact that he was helping you in the shower during one of the incidents you describe says so much. There are some TRULY unsupportive significant others out there--and it doesn't sound like you have one of those. Doesn't mean you'll get any less irritated, but at least you know you're loved, which, unfortunately, a lot of women can't say about the ones who are supposed to love them.

I think you'll feel better about all of it when you're feeling better physically.

In my situation, if my DH ever had the expectations of me that I have of him, I would NEVER measure up!! I was harder to live with before the surgery than I was after. But he just rolled with it. And wow did I expect mind-reading. Poor guy. This is all making me think that I should go get him new golf clubs or something this weekend...

Fro-yo

Sometimes when come with care, we'd like to compare our caretaker with our mom, who knew what we needed, cooked, cleaned for us and EXPERIENCED. But our husbands most of time are nurtured by us during the marriage. When time comes for them to take care of us, they need our guidelines and instructions. There is a big gap between our nurturing mother and our clueless husband. Even my DH has all the good intentions to take care of me, he has to ask me for everything. He was very afraid of hurting me during the sleep so he kept a distance from me. We communicated a lot to exchange our love feelings. I told him I felt sorry for him for handling so many things and he told me he couldn't bear to feel what I went through. Our daughters are suddenly growing up a lot during my surgery and recovery. The family is more closer and stronger than ever. We feel we can overcome anything by going through the hard time together. This is really a bright side I didn't expect before.

Communication is very important. Just let your husband know your need, your feeling and also find out what bothers him.

We are fortunate to have our family beside us.