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lack of support on the home front... lack of support on the home front...

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Unread 04-21-2003, 02:13 AM
lack of support on the home front...

Hello all,
I decided to have a hysterectomy mainly due to my prolapsed bladder which has bulged to the opening of my vagina. So, I always feel like there is something there. Although this is not painful, it is a weird feeling and will only get worse as time goes by. I guess in worst cases the prolapse actually works its way completely out...Yikes. The plan is to not remove my ovaries as they are fine. Anyway, my husband thinks my choice is not the best. " I hope you know what you are doing" " I guess I will have to call you Paul afterwards" (my name is Paula) and basically if I go into early menopause that I should not complain. Also, he does not like the hospital I am going to and calls it the "killing grounds". Well, needless to say I don't feel like I am getting much support. As a result, I am now having second doubts. Am I being frivilous in doing this.? I could wait a few more years and see how bad the prolapse gets. I also have a prolapsed uterus and rectum. My reason for getting it done now is that my kids are old enough to care for themselves to a satisfactory degree(son 5 years old and daughter 10 years), and I will likely heal better and sooner now because I am only 38. What do you ladies think? Although I felt confident with my decision at first, I am almost in tears over this now. My surgery is scheduled for May 12. Thanks, Paula
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Unread 04-21-2003, 02:23 AM
lack of support on the home front...


you sound like you could use a

I am sorry you aren't getting the support you would like at home. That does make things a bit easier, sounds like he might need a bit of an education on this matter! Have you explained to him that one day it could, for a lack of better terms, "come out" and the you'll have to do it anyway!

As for not being sure now, I am a big advocate on second or even third opinions! If you aren't sure this is the right thig go see another doc and see what they say!

We are here for you hon! If you need anythng give us a yell ok!
Best of luck to you
Unread 04-21-2003, 05:43 AM
lack of support on the home front...

Hi Paula,

I agree that a second opinion could help you feel more certain about your decision. I would make sure to take DH to any and all appointments and ask the questions you want DH to know the answers to!!

Would waiting make your husband more supportive? Think about it and do what's best for you. If I felt like there was always something bulging in my vagina I don't think I would want to wait for things to get worse before I had it fixed.
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Unread 04-21-2003, 06:21 AM
lack of support on the home front...

Hi Paula,

Even though this surgery is for you, lack of support can make recovery harder on you.

I agree with getting another opinion, or two or three or however you may need, so you're sure the surgery is necessary, and also so your DH realizes it also. And do encourage him to go to your apppointments with you.

Have you talked to him about his attitude and told him how much it bothers you? Maybe he is using humor to hide his own fears.

You may want to check out Hysterectomy Options and Alternatives board (click here) to investigate other possibilities to help your prolapse.

Best wishes.
Unread 04-21-2003, 08:04 AM
Mine too

My h (who used to be dh), was very much the same way. He seemed to think that if I wasn't in constant pain, then I should live with it. Frankly, he's an idiot. I too am 38 amd I am so glad that I went ahead and had it done. While I'm not feeling 100% yet, I get better and better each day. I would do lots of research and then listen to your gut feeling. If you think you need it done now, go for it. If you think you can stand feeling like that for another few years and your dr. thinks it's ok, then do some soul searching. My h told me yesterday, "You have certainly become lazy" after I refused to carry a chlorine bucket to the pool. Men, can't live with them and sometimes want to live without them! Good luck and I know you'll make the right decision for yourself.
Keep us posted on what you decide so we can offer you the support.
Unread 04-21-2003, 08:17 AM
lack of support on the home front...

I'm so sorry your husband is giving you so much hassle. As if going through the surgery wasn't enough.

I'd think, that if there wasn't any non-surgical way to fix the problem, that the sooner you have the surgery the better. Why suffer needlessly for a number of additional years when the end result is going to be surgery anyway?

I'd say don't let your husband's insensitivities drive your decision -- make the decision that's best for you. But then again, this is coming from a woman who's been single for a long, long time, so it's easy for me to say.

I wonder how you're husband would feel if something was sticking out of his penis!
Unread 04-21-2003, 08:31 AM
lack of support on the home front...

Paula, your chance of going into early menopause are very, very slim. Even if you do, there are ways to treat it. I assume you've discussed all of your treatment opinions with your doctor, and had a second concurring opinion as well. If so, and you feel that this is the way to go, then don't second guess your decision based on your husband's comments. If the hospital truly doesn't have a great track record, find a doc who has OR proviledges elsewhere (your current doc may have priviledges in several hospitals). (I'm waiting for hubby to complain if the other hospital is a little further away)

Good luck!
Unread 04-21-2003, 08:32 AM
lack of support on the home front...

The sooner the better before everything lands at the floor by your feet I'm thinking. My good friend just had her hysterectomy for prolasp after 5 years of waiting to see how long it would take before it all fell out. Finally, a DR she trusted convinced her that she needed to take care of her problem and it wasn't going to go away on it's own and would certainly get worse with time. She had tried some advanced Keigle therapy. She had some ring put in that really, old ladies use to hold things in place. She's 47 and had a 5 year old to keep up with plus an early-aged teenager. She needed to get everything fixed, also had a bladder suspension done, so she can enjoy life to it's fullest and not be worried about body parts literally falling out. I hope she finds your post and responds.
What is your opinion of the hospital? Do you agree with your husband or is he just being a jerk because deep down he's nervous and worried about you? Please tell him that you're scared and need his support.
You can also tell him for me, that I actually feel like more of a woman without all the female problems going on. I can make love whenever I feel like it now. I think about having sex way more now than I did before my hysterectomy because I'm not bleeding all the time and having infections the other half of the time. I initiate more often where my DH had to talk me into it all the time before. It's been an amazing transformation for me. Over 3 months post from a TAH, kept ovaries, no cervix. Life is so good Your husband isn't going to call you Paul when it's said and done, because you're going to be acting like Paula, a woman free, healthy, and vibrant just given a new and excitingly different sex life. I can't imagine what sex is like with your bladder in the way. My hubby is actually getting lazy about needing to woo me into sex. He's already gotten used to the idea that his new and improved wifey is ready just about any time. Good luck with your decision.
Unread 04-21-2003, 09:39 AM
Poor guys...

I get the impression that this "female only" situation absolutely terrifies them out of their mind. What do they really know about female biology??? My boyfriend is great but still I included him on every part of the pre-op. He went to every doctor visit with me therefore knew the doc and his staff. He sat through the hyst video, was in the room during the sonagram (I did let him pass on the biopsy) and of course he was at the hospital and now he is going to my 6 week post op exam as well. We're taking the entire day to go to Denver, see the doc, and then have some fun in the big city.

He has some ownership of the process and he isn't "outside" of it. He knows the terminology and how it all happens! He should probably give support to other husbands/boyfriends as he now understands the whole thing.

I know it is probably difficult to get most men to be "in on it" but I would recommend they really be included if at all possible. Fear of the unknown can be devastating as we all know.
Unread 04-21-2003, 11:30 AM
lack of support on the home front...

hi paula.. i had a prolapsed uterous and bladder and YES you are doing the right thing.... the bulging feeling down below just gets worse.. mine was a total nightmare... had a vh/ the best thing i ever done... your dh seems incredibly insensitive... i don't mean to be insulting but you should sit him down and put him straight.... i feel fantastic 8 weeks on..... your children will be able to help you out and i am hoping your dh begins to understand just what you will be going through.... i wish you well... mary. xx

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