If you are childless, can we talk?

No offense to anyone who has had kids, but I would like this thread to be to those women who have never had children. We have been on the outside for so long, getting advice from people who mean well, but have kids. But, unless you know what it feels like......

This is a little lengthy, but bear with me. I think I'm onto a hopeful something.

I have been on several threads noticing so many women who were never able to have children and have now faced the finality of it forever through hysterectomy. I am one of those women. I have always felt alone. Because of this site, I no longer feel that way.

I am 51. I was never able to have children in any capacity, naturally, artificially and 25 years ago adoption was very difficult. Although I have always mourned it and thought I had "accepted" it the best way I could, my hysterectomy just dredged it all up again. The cloud never really went away as much as I tried to act like it did. Since my hysterectomy, I realized that since I still had my child bearing parts that it actually was in the back of my mind that "one day, I will have a miracle.". Of course, it never happened.

But now, as I'm sitting here in my recovery period it has given me much time to reflect. Usually, I am alone in my sadness because I didn't know anyone dealing with this! And this morning I woke up and realized I'm not alone anymore and all of my sisters who are experiencing this, once and for all, we can band together and maybe have some peace. I'm not sure if it's possible, but I'm willing to try.

That being said, I have been contemplating a way to bury my sadness once and for all on not being able to have children and now that I had the hysterectomy it is once and for all final. I'm ready to once again see if I can finally come to peace with it and bury it and was thinking of a way I could do it.

Maybe write all my feelings down or maybe write a letter to the child I'll never have, place it in an envelope and plant a beautiful rose bush on top of it so that every time it blooms, I will feel that my own old buds are gone and and the new can come through. But would this still be another reminder of the loss every time I look into my yard. Or, maybe just bury the letter with nothing on top, out of sight?

Anyone have any ideas? Let's CONQUER! I feel hope.

wow ive never thought of it like that. when it happend to me i had no support from my partner so i spent clubbing weekends away drinking myself silly and flirting with as many guys as possible just to make sure i was still a real woman. then on my come down i would grieve for the children i would never have. it took a long time for me but i was kept busy with my divorce and the death of my mother. i have a partner of 3yrs who never wanted kids so our lives are now filled with our rescue dogs and starting to go out again when im well enough.

after my op last week im feeling very tearful and feelings about kids are coming back. i dont know how to deal with it other than crying again. xx

Kelton, I'm so sorry you don't have children. I know how it feels. It hurts like nothing else. You can't put a bandaid on it. i wish it were that easy though.

My spouse is a wonderful, beautiful loving man, but not having children did not affect him at all. He was not big on having children anyway. We've been married 25 years and I love him more than life. But it's hard dealing with it when your significant other has never had the same feelings. Actually I'm jealous and feel weak that I can't get passed it as he has. But I am female, after all.

But maybe today will be the end to our silent tears. Our sisters will come through for us. Let's sit back and see. I have faith that we may have a new day. Take care!

i just know i will be absol fine. i have a future hubby who adores me, 3 rescue dogs who need me and thats all i need. x

Haven't had it done yet, but now scheduled. I am not married and have never been married and in my mind, that is a requirement for children. 7 years ago when I was first diagnosed with the hyperplasia, my mother had just been diagnosed with aggressive cervical cancer, my GYN was warning me that depending on the classification of the hyperplasia a hysterectomy might be the safest option due to cancer concerns and my sister, who at the time had one beautiful daughter and another on the way says to me, oh a hysterectomy would not be such a big deal. That was when I was only 31 and life was in major turmoil so I totally get what you are saying about people "not getting it". Even as of three years ago when my then current doctor started to push for a hysterectomy I wasnt ready. It's taken me 7 years, countless procedures, multiple medication trial and errors, a two year infection caused by a disaster of an IUD, and three different doctors to make a decision for a hysterectomy. This year hasn't been much better as have lost two close grandparents, one uncle, have had back surgery, and numerous other life changing events happening, but strangely enough am more at peace with this decision than I had hoped for.

Even more strangely, my sister, she of the it's not that big of a deal, has helped. She reminded me that I am constantly influencing and impacting countless number of kids all over with teaching, being extremely active in 4-H, and working with the Sunday School program. I have also had some encounters with 4-H members in the last month or so that has driven that point home for me. I might not have my own child, but boy have I left my mark. Maybe God is saying to me this is what I need to focus on, not worrying about things I can't change.

Now not saying there won't be tears and regrets, but feel a little better knowing that I have done something positive with my life. Now know this is not the way forward for everyone as even being around kids is painful for some and I do get that as sometimes I look at my high school friend's children and think they could have been mine, but can't image my life without being able to work with them either. As my physical therapist for my back joked when he found out was planning on spending my summer vacation working with yet more kids, have you thought of some hobby or activity that does not involve bratty kids? The answer is no, can't think of something better to do with my life than influencing that next generation even if I can't have my own.

So while my way won't work for everyone, am hopeful that have found my peace. Will still look back and say what if, but will also look back and see all those kids I worked with and see my mark and hopefully the tears wont hurt as much.

i think i was saved from a bad marriage and destined to look after my mother as she was dying. i had all the time i needed for her. i have accepted it now and have a wonderful life.things happen for a reason

Hi Lotus51,

You are not alone sister. I am right there with you and I applaud you in your journey of healing. I absolutely love your idea of writing a letter to the child you never had and planting it in a ground full of ultimate blooms. I think I may follow your lead and write a similar letter to plant it in a garden of gardenias (that's my favorite flower ). Thank you for sharing with us!

goldensrus...I can totally relate to you and your call to make a difference for our next generation. I used to teach and am currently an AP at a k-8 school district. I was so terrified that I'd resent the parents, kids...everyone when I returned to work after my hyster, but it was the complete opposite. Yes, I do get sad here and there...but OMgoodness, I know that I am doing what I am meant to do and am having a positive influence on hundreds of kids everyday. That makes me smile and feel that is what my purpose in life is. Funny how fate knows best. I recently read your post about your decision to have your hysterectomy. I'm sorry that life led you to this, but you are strong and will get through it. Best of luck for a smooth surgery.

To those that have posted on this thread already, and for all of you that have yet to post...we are strong, we matter, and we will get through this. One day at a time.

I needed to come back and read what I wrote and what others had written today. It has been one of those "sad" days. Had some time off from getting ready for the county fair and so started cleaning. Never a fun or mind filling activity for me. Left a lot of time to think and ponder. Never a good thing right before a life changing surgery. Needed to remind myself of my "peace" and what has been said.

Thanks Jenny for thinking I am strong, but some days think I am barely hanging on. It's been quite a year and seems that everytime I think it is settling down, something else pops up. Am really hoping that things are turning around.

Sunday will come and hopefully with it a in person reminder of what and why I do what I do. The 4-H portion of the county fair will start getting into full swing and by Thusday, won't hardly have time to sleep let alone think. Will be good. And then two days after it is over, surgery.

Goldensrus, I'm sorry you had a sad day. I had to wait a month before my surgery and I went back and forth, too. I think that is normal. The surgery is life changing. There is no doubt about that. The decision we make is with much hope of a better life otherwise we wouldn't even consider it. You're entitled to feel everything you can. Maybe embrace it and acknowledge it as just a step in your process. I did grieve some after the procedure for the loss of female parts. Someone on the Davinci site said she grieved after and I really didn't get it at that time. Thank goodness she told me because when I did find this strange grieving feeling, I realized, okay, this is normal, too. I owned it, cried and felt like it added to the building of the new me. Almost a cleansing. 4 weeks postop today, I am up and down in the physical healing but mentally, for once in my life, I have this strange but much welcomed internal peace. I think this site helped. The generosity of those sisters who are childless and have selflessly put every feeling out here for those of us to grasp onto is something I find is so admirable and brave. So you go ahead and feel whatever you need to. Tomorrow is a brand new day. One day at a time....

I am 37 yrs of age, never married and never had children. I also took a couple of yrs to think about it and painful periods before I decided to do a hysterectomy. Today, I feel so SUPER and cant figure out why I didnt do this before. I know when I find prince charming that the children discussion will come around and we will decide then what are the options if we want to choose that route in our lives together. In the meantime, I am not looking to have kids anytime soon. If it happens, it will happen...if it is not meant to be, I will be just fine. The life I want to enjoy is mine and hysterectomy was the choice I had to make for ME to continue enjoying my life. These are my thoughts and hope they shed light on other opinions...Best wishes Lotus51...we will survive through this. Take care.