Mourning my periods

This may sound strange, but I have my hysterectomy on the december 3rd (after having a lap and endo removal on the nov. 4th) and it has hit me that I will never have another period.

My perioids have caused me nothing but horrible pain and anxiety for years ( I am 34), but somehow at the same time, they made me feel strong in some sense. I could survive them. Every month, I survived. I walked or sometimes hobbled through the terrible pain in my hips and knees and ankles and belly and every time, I made it through.

I don't really feel a loss of fertility, I do not wish for more children. But I am sensing a loss of that thing that makes me...me. I bleed, I hurt, it has become part of my identity I feel, and I am scared of losing that part of me.

I am making this huge decision to take out my uterus and my cervix because the pain has become more than I can deal with, but I also feel that I am losing a part of me that is more than just the organs they will be removing.

Every month there is a rallying that I must do in my brain and body that takes everything I have, I am not sure who I am without that.

Has anyone ever felt this way?

Thanks for any responses, I kinda feel like a freak.

I can't say I thought I would miss my periods, but I did think it would be weird without them. I thought similar to you, my monthly visits make me who I am, my natural hormones make me who I am, who will I be without those things? My life revolved around my cycle and I became use to that, I became okay with it. But let me tell you.....

This month I'm "missing" my 3rd period and I have never felt more free and liberated. Almost everyday I want to climb the tallest mountain and scream because I'm so HAPPY!!! I didn't realize just how draining my periods and pain were, how every month they sucked a little more life out of me. I thought I was tough every month because I made it through. But looking back now, I was just miserable.

I'm still adjusting to this new life, maybe in a couple more months I'll stop expecting my period. I don't think you're going to miss your monthly visits as much as you think...

Thank you so much for that, Becky, I think you are right. This is a whole new adventure and while I should mourn when need be, there is so much more waiting for me that does not include pain and planning my life around all that includes those words "endometriosis", "cramps", "I feel like death on a stick" lol.

Thanks for reminding me to see that!

Hi GlassCastle! I have a feeling you are far more normal (and much less of a 'freak'!) than you may think! The life that we become accustomed to (the one that keeps Kotex, OB and Always in business) is just one example of our strength and vitality. In place of this, you will find something great to rally around, another form of expression for your strength and character. And the fact that you survived all of this doesn't change....that is still part of you and your story. You don't have to lose it, but you will have the freedom to move on from it! And you get to move in a direction of your choosing, instead of one that is dictated to you by your cycle.

So you know....it is possible you will still feel your cycle...I do. But the worst part of it is gone! Now I have just enough symptoms there to remind me "oh ya! Normally I'd be hiding out in the house right now, scared to go out in public in case of an embarrassing accident!" Just enough to remind me that I am still the same woman, without the expensive tampon/pad habit!

You may enjoy reading some of the posts, particularly the first one entitled "Post-Op Confession, in these Memorable Messages. Enjoy!

"I" am more than just an organ in my body. I am my heart, spirit, mind, soul and II am a woman. I don't feel any less of a woman since my hysterectomy. I fact, I feel more of a woman. I don't hurt, I don't bleed out once a month, I don't have the foggy head and fatigue of anemia. I think, I feel, I believe, I know that I am even more "ME" now than I was before. I can give more of myself, more time, more energy, more knowledge, more patience, more, more, more in part because I have at least one week or more every month that I'm not losing to my period.

I look forward to the new "ME" for the person I am becoming, for the knowledge I will gain, for the time and energy I have to give. I am looking forward to finding out who I am.

Yes you will grieve and mourn, but also enjoy the process of becoming the new you and welcome and embrace your own sense of selfe.

I wrote almost the exact post just a few weeks ago
It seems so unreal that we can be a person who is not attached to a pad and we can stop living in our head and look beyond the bathroom
I have to trust that it has to be better than this but I to will greive the loss of what has been my faithfully companion for 33 years and that it has formed who I am
I can't wait to turn at the fork in the road on the road that has been less traveled and go swimming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I would have to say it is ok to feel the feelings and keep moving forward

I kind of know what you mean. I too have spent a good part of my recovery kind of figuring out who I am now. I kind of see it as a second chance at a life without the pain and debilitating bleeding and such. I find myself really looking at life, thinking about what I do and why I do it, and making sure what I am doing is really worth my time and effort.

I actually did morn a bit over the loss of my fertility, even though dh and I felt our family was complete. It was just a big deal to have that choice taken away, and i wondered what my identity would be. Now I realize I am still me, and that life is short, and I don't want to waste it. I feel like I have been given a second chance at a less painful path, and I want to make the best of it.

I looked at my Diva Cup in the bathroom this morning.

And then...I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

I had a similar feeling about a week before my surgery. I can't believe it either because my period has been my nemesis for about two years. It's caused me embarrassment, total pain, and it's cost me my quality of life. However, I did kind of think about it and I think being "sick" has become a part of my identity, as weird as that is. I suffered from horrible anemia and that became the norm. Mommy was always tired, mommy is bleeding again, we can't go out, etc...

I told my doctor and she told me I need to see myself as a survivor. She told me she's never experienced the periods I experienced and she considers me a survivor. I can have the quality of life I've been dreaming of now.

BTW (Sorry, it's graphic) my surgery was delayed a few hours. As I sat in my hospital robe waiting to be operated on, I got my period. not only did I get my period, I had clots and more clots, and cramps that almost made me double over in pain. I was asking for pain meds BEFORE my surgery and it hit me, I no longer wanted to deal with this thing I call a period!

	Quote:
Originally Posted by myotis I looked at my Diva Cup in the bathroom this morning. And then...I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

I threw away all my medications today. Megace (For cancer), Premarin to stop bleeding, and Aygestin. They were ALL GONE and I didn't know what to do but laugh, too!