What to do, when you've already done it all?

I was diagnosed with Stage 4 endometriosis at the age of 19. At the time I had a boyfriend and I was in college. We stayed together 4+ years, but the treatment for endo was just too much to take for our young relationship, and my boyfriend was smart enough to realize this at the time. At 22, we broke up, and shortly after (less than a month), I met my furture husband.

We talked about children from the very beginning. Given my diagnosis, I had never thought that I would ever be a mom, and I never really ever wanted to be a mom. I am an only child, and my birth was an emergency C-section that happened within minutes of my mother's body shutting down thinking that the pregnancy was over. My father was so frightened that he would lose us both, and that story has resonated with me for several years. I decided after I was diagnosed that I would never want to put my body, let alone my partner's own emotions through an endevor like that.

We married in September 2005 after buying our first house in December 2004. Our marriage was a difficult time, but we were making it work. Then in January 2007, his twin sister (also married, just a few months before us) was pregnant. As the pregnancy wore on (to me, anyway), questions about us having children started to be more and more frequent. As stated, my position on children had been no from the very start, and even my parents had discussed the very remote possibility of me ever having, let alone wanting a child of my own. After his neice was born, the questioning from both him, and his own family became even more prying. The continuous questioning became even more and more hard to deal with. It came to the point that I seriously began questioning my marriage. In January 2008, I suggested to my then husband that a divorce might be in order. After a short period of counseling, it was decided that it would be best for us to part ways.

The divorce was messy, mostly due to his dad having unresolved feelings about his own first marriage and ex-wife. It was such a hard place for me. Deciding that my marriage wasn't appropriate for either of us, and that it couldn't be worked out. He had wanted children from before we met, and already had their names picked out. I should have realized sooner, but it hard when you think you are in love. I made the hard choice for both of us, and now he has an opportunity to be a father. I, being the major earner of our household, took on the majority of the household debt, buying him out of his share. I thought that I didn't want to move, and kept the townhome in my name. Also, the new GMC acadia we had purchased in January 2008, needed to be transferred. After several tens of thousands of dollars as a settlement payment to him, including a years worth of spousal maintenace (which I referred to as child support) and several months of negotiating (arguing, due to his father), the divorce was final in January 2009.

In October of 2009, I had decided that too many memories, some good, mostly bad, were still lingering in that townhome and I decided to sell. I had already traded in my soccer mom vehicle (GMC acadia) for a more appropriate single woman's car, and was ready to move on. After several months on the market my home sold, and I moved to another part of town and am now renting.

In July 2010, my endo really started to act up. Basically the ten years of continuous birth control and no periods, just started to give up on me. I saw my doctor and after three more months we decided that permanent management was the best option.

My LSH with TSO was performed on November 16, 2010, and I am now in recovery. I appologize for not getting to the point sooner, but I wonder what is left to do on the 'generally, socially accepted adulthood to-do list'.

I have
1. graduated from high school
2. graduated from college
3. got a good job.
4. got married
5. bought a house
6. got divorced
7. sold a house
8. can't have kids, and didn't want any anyway.

So what's left? Anything? Am I my own woman? Any ideas? Support?

Having gone through 1-8 myself, I would say this is my to do list with a focus on service with joy rather than self-serving fun.

* Grow closer to God/have a richer spiritual life
* Nurture relationships with friends & family
* Be healthy, fit, strong
* Volunteer/make a difference
* Travel here there & everywhere
* Pursue the active hobbies that I enjoy
* I'd like to get married again (God willing) to someone likeminded

I'd say it's time to abandon the checklists and just live life. Really. Checklists can be a useful tool, but they're one of those tools that we humans tend to misuse. Consider a simple example of a shopping list: you want to make a certain dish, so you make your list of ingredients and go to the store, where it turns out that half of what you need is just not available. You now have three choices:

1. Get angry and frustrated.
2. Go to another store looking for the items on your list (which is where the metaphor breaks down, because you don't get to shop around for a different life...not really).
3. Drop the list and open your eyes to the options that are available. So you're not going to get the dish that you wanted...oh well. If you look around at what this store has to offer, you might find even better possibilities.

The other problem with the checklist approach to life is that nobody gets to "do it all". There are so many worthwhile things in life, and the really cool stuff takes time and energy, and you only get 24 hours in a day. Ultimately, you have to choose the things that you want most and let the rest go. As a simple example, consider anyone who makes a serious pursuit of something, whether it be quilting or Olympic-level swimming. We look at what that person has accomplished and say, "Wow, that's cool," but they have to give up a lot of other things to do what they've done -- trivial things, like watching "Dancing With the Stars", or more significant things. The trick is to choose the things that have value to you and not have regrets for the rest. Don't disparage it -- just let it go.

And if you don't (yet) know what you want to do, now that you're done with your previous checklist? Don't worry about it. Just live life. Drop the checklist, and open your eyes up to what's there. Maybe you'll come up with a new list of things you want to accomplish, or maybe you'll find that you prefer to just live life with your eyes wide open -- not pursuing accomplishments, but accepting and appreciating whatever you find on the way.

Thanks for your replies. Your statements confirmed what I feel is in my own heart and head.

Things I didn't mention. 1. I turn 30 next year, and I feel as if I'm way ahead of myself. 2. I'm looking at purchasing a condo again.

I've always been the what's next kind of person, and I think I'm ready to slow down.

I really appreciate your statements and feel that looking inside my own heart and turning to Jesus is the right answer. I will look towards the heavens to find my way, as He has never let me down, even in my darkest times.

God Bless.