Angry at Husband???

I am having a real issue. I know that since my TAH my emotions have been really whacky but I am having constant feelings of anger towards my husband. I know there are several reasons but they are kind of superficial. (not helping much around the house and with kids etc) They are things that we could usually work out but the one thing that really is bothering me is.....

About an hour before surgery, durring the prep, he started trying to talk me out of having the hyster. I figured that he was just nervous and he would be ok. The day I got home from the hospital we had an argument because He told me that he didnt want me to have the surgery and that I did it anyways. We knew about the surgery about 1 month in advance and I had asked him several times what his oppinion on it was and he never said anything about being against it. He seemed really supportive and said it was my decision and he would stand behind me on it.
We have had several arguments about other things but it always comes back around to "He didnt want me to do it and I did it anyways" I feel like his lack of help around the house is because he is mad about this. His way of revenge. Any time I mention my emotions being out of whack he says "Thats exactly why I didnt want you to have it" or if I complain of pain he says "I guess you shouldnt have had it done, should you" Im really tired of him calling me a witch with a capitol B. I know im really angry with him and I probably havent been exactly nice about every thing but I cant help feel like he doesnt give a darn about me. Any Advise? Ive tried talking to him but he always says that Im trying to blame him for every thing. Im just so angry and frustrated!:hair:
sorry for such a rant!

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I read your post! A 26 year old woman does not decide on a hysterectomy on a whim! In fact, no woman does! I am 33, and am considered very young for this, so I can imagine how you felt!

I don't know the reasons for your surgery, but do not let ANYONE tell you that you were wrong! You know what you were, and are going through, and I know this was not an easy decision to for you to make.

If your husband had doubts, he should have discussed it with you WAY before the surgery! He needs to accept the fact that there is no turning back now, and that he needs to support you, even when things get rough! (One reason I am now divorced, little support.)

Now I am not saying file the papers or anything, and I know it must be difficult for him, seeing you go through these wacky, and sometimes scary transitions. But if he loves you; and I am sure he does, he needs to find a way to put his fears aside, or at least educate himself on your procedure, and give you the support you so desperately need!

Remember, the sisters are always here for you to rant, rave, and vent to your hearts content!!!!!!!!! I hope you guys kiss and make up soon! Good luck to you.

This is a stressful time. Men get very threatened. Especially when they have to step up to the plate and pick up slack. Nobody is themselves. Try to be kind to each other.(that goes double for him) You've been through enuf! Please give yourselves time to heal. And girl rant all you want! best to you!

Hi reepks,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cant even believe a loved one would do that. I am sure he was so scared for you, and maybe that is why his reaction is the way it is. The fact that you are so young makes your emotions even more on a rollercoaster. Please dont let anyone make you feel bad or question your decision. Its amazing that we woman endure all we do and still stay strong. Please hang in there. Do you have family and friends close by that are giving you support? I sure do hope so. Maybe if your dh got on line and really saw what you had to go through, he would understand. No offense, but by no fault other than the moon, and other things, some men find it so hard to understand. Always go to this support group, the ladies here are wonderful, and I am so glad I found you all. Keep your chin up and good luck. Hopefully, he will come around sooner than later... hugs your way from all the sisters here...

I don't know if this is an option for you but his reaction and timing for talking to you about cancelling seems very immature. It sounds like he may have a deeper problem and could use some guidance or professional help.

His problem is making your problem ( the surgery/recovery) way more difficult and you don't need that right now. Ask yourself if this sort of nonsupport a pattern or is this something new with the current stress you have both gone through? If is is out of the blue maybe I am over reacting, but if this is a pattern is sounds sort of abusive. I am not a professional in these matters and my heart goes out to you.

Hope you have reliable family around to give you the tangible support you need. We sisters are here for you in a distant sort of way. Wish there was a way to be of more support.

Blessings,
Beth

Not trying to stick my nose in your business

However, why didn't he want you to have the surgery? Has he ever given you a sound, logical reason as to why he objected? I'm certain that you had good, sound medical reasons why you felt you needed to have the surgery. I don't know your husband, so I certainly can't judge, but is he upset that you can't have sex right now, or is he subconciously thinking that the surgery can't have been all that bad and you should be up to doing everything around the house already? Or maybe he just can't believe the crazy moods that overtake us when hormones are out of whack.

I know it's hard for you to be having problems at home when you're already physically and emotionally low from the surgery. I'm 43, and although I had very severe periods with heavy bleeding and clotting and bent-over-double pain and my doctor had suggested a hysterectomy a few years ago, it was my mother's death from ovarian cancer that tipped the scales. I was worried about whether my husband would think I should have the surgery, but he begged me to do it as he saw how my mother suffered and he didn't want me to risk the same illness.

I hope your husband will come around. It's not good for you, your husband, or your marriage to have angry sub-currents swirling around you, especially at this time of your life. Can you have a good heart-to-heart talk with him and see what's really bugging him? Good luck.

Hi Kim! I'm so sorry! I hope you've had other, more loving & supportive help, like from Mom, Dad, neighbors & girlfriends.

My husband asked me the other morning, "with what you know now, would you have still gone through with it?" ...and when I growled a firm "NO" he was surprised!! No, really, I didn't have much choice -- I had two large fibroids and many tiny ones, and just found out today at my post-op checkup that the largest one had grown another inch since my ultrasound in August. (eeeeiuu)

My husband was very supportive at first -- right from that first diagnosis he focused on ALMOST always benign??? ...but as the weeks go by I think he's getting resentful. Last night we had about 15 minutes left on a videotape of the week's TV shows (I tape them - he works till 11pm half the time) and he insisted on stopping it because "I still have all these chores to do" and he listed them all, including the mine that he has to do for me.

I've been showering with him (not as sexy as it sounds) so that he can hand me this & that from the basket on the floor. This morning he said "can't you just bend at the knees?" .. so I'm going to hang a mesh bag where I can reach it, full of my travel bottles!

But the worst was the litter box. He moved it to a place where the cat misses it, and then he does a terrible job cleaning up the urine. He refuses to move the box back to where the cat never missed-- he said that instead he will buy a deeper box that she can't miss. (It took him 3 weeks.) I know I have to let my standards go a little, but I don't want my house to smell like a zoo once this is all over! 6 days after my surgery I got down on my knees and cleaned the floor properly myself, but then was in pain & couldn't eat for 2 days. (he wasn't impressed) One day we had a shouting match over it, and even though I "fight fair" -- no name calling or swearing, he said "I've never been this close to hitting you!" After he left for work (on a Sat) I pretty much cried all day.

Anyway, men are really bad at emotions (if in fact they really have any) and they tend to say & do the worst possible things when they're worried about you. My best friend's husband yelled at her all the way to the emergency room one time - she told me next time she'll call ME to take her there!

At this point it should all be over soon - so until then lean on us for emotional support!

OH, I forgot -- my husband became much easier to live with last winter after he broke his foot, and I really pitched in and took care of him -- did his chores (including walking the dog in the snow) served him meals on the sofa, drove him to doctor appts, and carried all of the luggage when we went on vacation. Suddenly our marriage got lots better, I think because he realized what I was doing for him and appreciated it. So whenever I feel guilty, I remember "it's payback time!"

Well, sorry for the long babbling post - hope it helped. Good luck & feel better soon!
Merrie

Hi Reepks! I am only about 45 minutes from you! Small world! I feel for you. Men have a funny way of dealing with Stress and emotion! Sometimes they aren't any good at it all. Maybe he doesn't like to see you hurting? My husband was great about the first week! Once he saw I could get off the couch and out of bed alone,that was all the help I got! Talk to him and see why he had the reservations he had, this is no time to be becoming ditant! Good luck to you!

HELLO, I WEENT THROUGH THE SAME THINGS. MY HUSBAND WANTED BE TO BACK OUT OF MY SURGERY DAYS BEFORE. HE HAD ME A MESS. I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT ABOUT BACKING OUT,I WAS IN TEARS. BUT THEN I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT . HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT I GO THROUGH ALL THE TIME WITH THE PERIODS FOR THREE MONTHS AT A TIME THE CRAMPING ,THEN THE EPISODE OF PRE-CANCEROUS CELLS,I JUST LOST A COUSIN THE WEEK BEFORE THAT WAS POLUTED WITH CANCER AT 44. CANCER IS REALLY BAD IN MY FAMILY. I THOUGHT WHAT IF I DID'NT DO IT JUST FOR HIM AND HAD FULL BLOWN CANCER AND WOULD LEAVE MY CHILDREN BEHIND AT A YOUNG AGE. I WANT TO SEE MY KIDS GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS. AND AS FAR AS THE CRAMPING AND BLEEDING CRAP, I'M THE ONE SITTING BACK DOUBLED OVER IN PAIN ON THE COUCH AND AFRAID TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT A CHANGE OF CLOTHES IN FEAR OF LEAKING LIKE I USUALLY DO,NO SWIMMING AT OUR COTTAGE IN THE SUMMER TIME. I COULD GO ON AND ON. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST MY HUSBAND BEING A JERK. I ONCE TOLD HIM THAT HE DID'NT WANT ME TO HAVE IT DONE JUST BECAUSE I COULDN'T DO EVERYTHING THAT FOR ONCE HE WOULD BE WAITING ON ME. BUT AT LEAST IT WOULD BE FOR A GOOD REASON. IT DID'NT TAKE HIM LONG AFTER SURGERY TO STOP DOING FOR ME. DO NOT HURT YOURSELF TRYING TO DO JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR MAN . TAKE IT EASY!!! THE SOONER YOU SHOW THEM YOU CAN DO SOMETHING THE SOONER THEY QUIT DOING ANYTHING. SORRY ABOUT THE RANT!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST MY HUSBAND BUT I GUESS THERES ALOT MORE LIKE HIM OUT THERE. I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE EACH OTHER TO UNDERSTAND AND TO VENT TO!!! LOVE YOU ALL!!! MYLIFE3

Hi Reepks,

Like the other sisters I sat reading this thread with my jaw dropped open!! Some of the issues were lready brought up. I don't know why you had to have this surgery, but as a rule the medical proffesion does not just do this surgery for the heck of it. Does your husband understand why you needed it. Perhaps your Dr. needs to explain it. THIS IS NOT ELECTIVE SURGERY.
I really hope you have some one you can lean on near you. You can rant to us anytime You certainly can not hold it in. That's not good for you either.

Reading some of these threads tonight gave me a reality check. How wonderful all of you are and how wonderful this site is. I ran out of my higher dose premerin, thought it was ok ... I have not seen things as I should and DH has taken the brunt of it... I will call my Dr. in AM.
My DH pleaded with me to go through the surgery and stop stalling and waiting for another ca125, ultrasound etc. He asked me why I wanted to live in so much pain. About 3 weeks after the surgery I told him if I had it to do over again I would not!! He told me to talk to him about it in 6 months.
During the first weeks he did everything, if I tried to turn on the washing machine he came flying.. telling me he would do it, reminding me the Dr. said I was not to anything. Reading these threads reminded me I owe him an apology and I need to go get that PREMARIN!
Sorry I am rambling too!