Insensitivity with a capital I :(

It seems that people who are at a loss of what to say often come back with the most off-base comments. As if somehow by telling you to "toughen up" it will help your spirits and assist in your healing process? My Doctor who is a very caring person reminded me upon my release from the castle that this was major surgery and my recovery time needs to be taken seriously. I will remember his words and do as he says.

My surgery was this past Tuesday and I am saying a prayer of thanksgiving for the successful outcome and promise to remember each of the 'ladies in waiting' in my prayers at night. May you feel a gentle hug from your sisters who are always here for you!

Take good care of yourself! Feel free to PM if you'd like to talk more.



Carol

Or how about the old line "You'll be fine". That one always gets me. Or - "Oh I had a C-section an it wasn't that bad".

They don't get it so I stopped trying to explain.

I am having a TAH - ovaries and everything - tomorrow. Decided to be totally vain about the whole thing and added a tummy tuck so I am sure I have just added on to the recovery issue.

Just come to this site for Q/A - we understand!

Good Luck,

Dawn,

Endometreosis for years - Fibroid tumor embedded in uterine wall - major PMS sufferer and Hormornal migraines every month!!

Hi,

I can't believe all of these light-hearted responses you've been getting!

Luckily I am married to a man who's ex-wife went through this, so he already knows what to expect.

I also have a male partner at work, whom I load trucks with, he is very supportive and sympathetic towards my surgery. He and my DH both have seen me go through the episodes of IBS and near passing-out. He really is a great friend.

I wouldn't listen to these people who are acting like this is no big deal. Yes, this is a common surgery and that's why they need to start doing more research on women's health problems. They need to put more money into finding better solutions for pain and excessive bleeding.

Jackie you hit the nail on they head, also know that after surgery once your family and friends think you should be recovered they start disappearing and the offers to help get less and less. I guess they think just because your scar has healed and you can walk upright again ,that you are recovered. I am 5 months post and I still get tired easy and by the end of the day my back hurts and my tummy is swollen, it kills me when my DH says WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I am like lets cut of your manhood and see how you feel. We do have alot to deal with post-op as well as pre, with hormones, and mourning our lose, to questioning did I really need this, and then throwing a demanding family on top of it , is almost to much. ok I am finished venting now, but sometimes i want a sister to say, yes i feel like that to, NOT, well it will get better.

Wow! I can't believe the insensitivity and the clods so many people work with!

I work for a newspaper and even my managing editor who is the same age as I, said "I know this is an invasive surgery so take it easy and you can talk to so and so also as I know she had one 5 or 6 years ago." He did tell me his wife has had similar trouble but no surgery yet. People have been very helpful the two days I've been back to work.

Just smile sweetly and say "oh you've had this invasive surgery have you where they dispose and erase part of your life you can never get back. How nice that you know so much about it, I didn't realize you were an expert in the gyn field." and walk away.
BJ

There is a sign in our hospitals out-patient waiting room that says:
"Minor Surgery is always performed on someone else"
When we were told my son needed a tonsilectomy I did bunches of research and got a second opinion. When I apologetically talked to the insurance person about getting a second opinion, she said "no surgery is minor surgery".

These people are being ignorant. We need to educate them. The best way to do that is to stand fast and insist that you take the needed time to recover. You are worth it!
Jo

Hi Jackie, I think its safe to say that all of us here, no matter what walk of life, have said things from time to time that we have later regretted. On occasion, I could probable be a runner up for the "open mouth, insert foot" award, but my intentions are always well meaning. However, it has been my personal experience that health issues, for some strange reason, seem to be a very large magnet for drawing insensative remarks, especially from those who have never had the misfortune of dealing with ill health. My hyst. will be operation #5 and the second major one in 8 mths. I've heard remarks from "Well it can't be all that bad if they send you home in two days" to "Gee another operation, don't you take care of your body?" or the old standby, " Oh come on now, you've had surgery before". On "bad hormone" days, comments such as these can reduce me to tears (and I'm pretty thick skinned) and on good days I just try to ignore and forgive them. For myself, this site has been the only place to get information, understanding and compassion, regarding hysterectomy, without having to deal with the unsolicited, cruel remarks. (((((((((( HUGS )))))))) and best wishes to you Jackie and to all my sisters out there. Pat

I to had a similar incident. I had volunteered to chair a booth at our April 25th school carnival(I volunteered in the fall) After scheduling my surgery for 3/20 I decided I didn't need the added stress of this. I called around and found someone to take over for me. Last week I saw the woman who is taking it for me and she said "my friend said a hysterectomy is a piece of cake and she was up and driving around, feeling fine in a week." Of course my chin hit the floor. I'm having a tah/bso and have had a c-section. I am not a weenie but I know from experience how sore the incision site can be let alone taking out everything inside. I was so made so I know how you feel. I guess she was trying to make me feel better but it had the opposite effect. Hang in their we don't have much longer to go. I painted my playroom today to get ready. I 'm also going to give my house a spring cleaning over the next 2 weeks to try to make things easier for dh and my boys. email me if you need to chat.
Blessings,
Whimsy

I've been very lucky, in getting practical, sympathetic advice from friends and co-workers. And, during my recovery, I've referred to my two caretakers (my mom and housemate) as the "Should You Be Doing That? Sisters." The sympathetic people are out there (and if they're not, come here!).

What you hear on this site, what you get from truly sympathetic people, is what everyone should be saying to you. This surgery is safer than it ever was, but it is major surgery. Mourning the loss of any body part is normal, but especially one as attached to life and love as the womb. And you're right, crying is healing.

Sometimes people think they're helping when they say these things. I felt the need, about 20 minutes before I went for the final prep for surgery, to say "If I wake up from surgery, I can handle the rest." My brother sort of snorted, and said something about there being very little chance that I wouldn't wake up. I knew he was trying to give me confidence that I'd be fine, not pooh-pooh my fears of dying on the table, but he didn't express himself too well! He was pretty good, other than that, so I cut him a break. But if people around you are being consistently insensitive, avoid them!

I am soooooooo glad that I am not the only one who is experiencing insensitivity. Only I'm getting it from the ones who are supposed to be my support team.

My mother - who is normally thisclose to sainthood - thinks I'll be up and around to normal activities in two weeks so I won't need her after the first week home. I've tried to explain that I can't overdo but she doesn't understand. She has never had surgery - this is my third.

My husband is the worst. He also expects me to be fine in a couple weeks. He even expects me to be able to come home the next day and help him grocery shop! I told him that just because the surgery is vaginal doesn't mean it isn't major surgery! Why can't people understand???

The other thing people say that bugs me is when they say "Oh you have to have surgery! what's wrong?" and they are genuinely concerned until you say "yes a hysterectomy" And they just say"oh" like its no big deal. It's a HUGE deal to me.

Ok - I'm done now.

Thanks for being patient with those of us who need to vent.