Preparing Children

Dear Sisters,

How do we prepare our children for what is about to happen to us? I'm a single mother of 2 boys, 14 & 18. Many times my home is full of testosterone laden young men. One day I overheard my boys explaining to 3 other young men, that is was normal for women to have PAP smears done! I felt plenty proud.

My boys know I'm going to see the Dr. more than I normally would. They want to know what is going on...and I tell them...I'm having an ultrasound done, cuz the Dr. feels something isn't right...they want to know...they need to know...and I'm gonna need them to step up an be THERE for me.

It goes beyond my needs, it enters into their future & how they will treat the women in their lives. We are so focused on ourselves right now...what can we do to help them...help us?

DonnaD

You are a great Mom! Your boys sound very informed and understanding. I have a 13 and 15 year old, both girls. I am also open and answer every question.
I personally think you should sit them down, together or seperatly, and tell them exactly what is going on.
My 15 year old is freaked out & scared.."Mommy" won't be here for several days and she and I are very close. My youngest won't talk about it, but I know she has concerns.
She and I are just as close, but she is much more introverted about everything.
I told my daughters the procedure, what will happen before, after, and what is expected of them. I toss in a healthy dose of humor, as I don't want them too serious about this.
I let them know how they have to deal with their Dad, and I can't help them do physical things. (I'm the homework consultant here, but we walk and play on the trampoline in better weather)
I'm 38, I like my independence, but I have to rely on them;
this is my hard part. So explaining and letting them, see the brochures and getting them involved has been the best for me. I try to keep their schedules the same.
You have to gauge their personality and tell them what you think they can handle. It will make them, I think, more compassionate towards women. Good luck!

Hi Donna,

Sounds like our situation might be similar, I am 49 and have two girls, 13 and 15. I worry about them having healthy body images and not being over obsessed with appearance and being comfortable with their feminity.

To be honest I have been complaining a bit about the doc visits and uncomfortable fibroids and cyst I have. So as soon as they came in the door from school the afternoon I decided to have surgery, I announced that I was having a hysterectomy because I thought it would make me feel much better.

The 13-year-old said nothing, the 15 year-old summed up my feelings in one word: "ouch!"

I then added I was having bladder repair- and the 13-year-old chimed in, "thank goodness!" and we all cracked up laughing.

So I hope I am striking a balance-- I want to teach them that while surgery is a very serious thing- a positive approach can be helpful -- and that their femininity is not about their uterus, but about who they are in their hearts.

I am concerned about this also and would love to hear other tips or suggestions.

It sounds like your boys have developed a healthy attitude and you will do great. Sometimes I think our Momly intuition can help in these situations.

Good luck to you, Donna

My children are MUCH younger, but the impact was HUGE.

My husband and I had openly spoke about mommy going to the hospital and our friend Dr Bear was gonig to do an operation that would make momy feel better etc. But the day before the sugery when I had so much running around and last minute loose end to tie up, I was mystified as to why my 8 year old son began to throw up ALL DAY.

I finally cluded in. I went to his room and asked if he was scared due to my operation and he burst into tears. He was terrified because somehow he thought the operation was going to be 4 weeks and not the revocery. We had a good giggled and I called the school to let them know he would be a preoccupied that day. Being from a Catholic school, his entire class prayed for me and for my son. When surgery was over Dad called and got to tell both our kids, first hand I was okay.

As far as my 5 year old daughter, her fear was that I would die - we spoke about that and prayed together and she seeemd fine. She turned out to be quite a fine little nurse!

Even at the wee yong ages of 5-8, my children were very atuned to what was happening. I am so gratefull my children and I had that time together, I wish I had thought of it sooner and planned it into my pre-op plans. It really helped me focus on someone else other than myself.

Children of any age are terrified of what they don't know, and in the absence of good factual information their vivid imaginations will conjure up the most amazing stories -
4 weeks of surgery?! ! ! ? ? ?

My advise, be honest, as truthful as their age allows, and give them time to talk about their fears - afterall, we all have this amazing web site to discuss our fears, where can our children turn to . . .

Best wishes to you

Kim
TVH-Kept Ovaries 1-3-01
Heavy Bleeding - Lichen Planus
[Edited by Kim N. on 01-23-2001]

I showed my daughters pictures of the uterus and a fibroid which I found in a book about the topic. That seemed to make things realistic and understandable also. - Not sure how that would go over w/boys, but wanted to throw it in the mix. :-) Becca

Dear Sisters...the common thread here is as Kim N. said "the impact is Huge". It's so easy for us to get lost in what is happening to us. Maybe our strength is to come from their innocence and need to know the surgery doesn't last for 4 weeks.

Becca...am sure my boys would not want to go the picture route! But a very great idea for young girls!

And isn't it important for them to see us taking this in stride as much as we possibly can? Life is so full of the unplanned & unexpected that we gotta show them how to cope, plan & move forward!

You are all so very great! Thanks
Donna D.

I have told my boys about the surgery and have talked about it to my husband in front of them and they both have listened but not responded much...I think the 13 year old is very embarrassed to talk about it. However, today driving in the car from out of the blue, they started asking me questions...about different aspects of what was going to happen, what I would and would not be able to do and even getting into the nitty gritty of fibroids, cysts and how big my uterus was at this point! I think they just needed time for it to sink in and they needed the dark of the car to be able to start talking. I think that now that we have talked a bit more, they will ask questions as they come up.

Isn't that the greatest? I sure hope they ask more questions. The fun part is coming up with the answers! Somehow it makes it somewhat easier & better. And maybe they will have extra special caring when you come home with your crown!

DonnaD

Hi Donna,
I have 3 teenage boys, 17,14 & 13 and one 3 year old daughter. I've told the boys that I was having a hysterectomy, and that it would fix the problems I currently have due to the prolapsed uterus. I explained it by saying that because it "fell" out of place, it was affecting the way my bladder worked, etc. At a certain point they all stopped me with "WTMI Mom!" (Way Too Much Information). Basically, they wanted to know how long I'd be in the hospital, what I'd be allowed to do when I came home, how long it would take me to recover. They know they have to pitch in and help. My daughter has been told that Mommy has a boo inside that the doctor has to fix, I'll be in the hospital for a couple of days, and Mommy will have to rest alot after she comes home. I've told her I can't pick her up, or play "knock-over" ( I pretend to let her knock me over on the bed), but that we can read stories and play Barbies together. She was excited that she was going to spend a couple of nights at Grandma's house with her brothers - she was like "Okay, you go the hospital and I get to sleepover at Grandma's - can I go tonight?" I have tried to be very upbeat and reassuring - this surgery will be a good thing, Mommy will be able to do certain things again, etc. I think in a large part they take their cues from you and if you have a positive attitude they are less likely to worry. Good luck - I'll be praying for you on "your day"!

These posts have been great, really helpful.

I totally agree that they should see our positive attitude. You are so right, also, -- that this has a huge impact on them, not just for today, but developmentally. It's important to remember since they don't always let it show...

One thing I am not doing is having a "sit-down" type talks. I try to bring it in the conversation naturally-- like when I showed them pics, I just ambled in the room and said "look what I found, this is what I have."

Or I try to bring it up in relation to other stuff we are talking about- like today we joked about how they'd do their own laundry rather than trust their dad with that task. (He has been known to wash the white bras with the new red t-shirt-- and then toss it all in the dryer on high-- so we have tiny little pink bras!) Of course my point was I won't be able to do lots of things for a while--so I added "I can't wait to have this over with so I can feel great and do all kinds of stuff w/you guys. "

So far so good--maybe having this time to gradually get them acclaimated is a silver lining to the cloud that I have to wait til feb. 26 for surgery.

By the way -- got my hystersister sweat-shirt today-- very comfy, recommend it!

All the best- Becca :-)