im so scared.. will things ever be the same again..

hello, im scheduled for hysto surgery and bladder repair in october...... and am so scared about the pain afterwards. im 39, mum of 4 and i run a busy hotel aswell. im married to a great man. but this mess has had an impact on our relationship, hes very supportiv. but he wont sleep with me, this has put him off me and its breaking me apart, sorry if that sounds melodramatic... i dont no what to do about it. im not dead from the waste down and im not ''past it'' yet! what if thing dont return to normal after the op ?

the op scares me but eventualy my body will recover. but will my marrige ??

Ohhh my goodness Alba. I don't know what to say but I do know how to send lots of hugs.

I have a book that explains everything about guys. Page 1 had the title, page 2 through the end of the book is blank.

So, I can't tell you about the marriage, but I've heard from numerous sources that post-op, many females are hundreds if not thousands of times better than they ever were. Some have even commented that is was like getting an evil alien removed from them.

My parents no longer sleep in the same bed due to their own medical problems, but the beds are in the same room, next to each other.

Maybe DH needs to grieve? Or he doesn't know what to say thus is closing everyone off? It doesn't sound like he's come to terms with the surgery. Does he need a night out with the boys? A whack upside the head with a cold tuna? A flimsy négligée tucked into his briefcase, with a note, "there could be a woman in here who loves you very much. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx [insert your number!!!!!]." A steamy love letter on scented paper taped to his steering wheel? A response to some perceived insult, real or imagined with "Bad boy, go to MY room!" Maybe he can't handle the "for poorer and in sickness" part of the bargain, and needs to be reminded that there is an upcoming "for richer and in health," coming very soon?

Good luck! And if all else fails, get lotsa brownies and maybe throw one or two at him.

You won't be the same...you'll be better! You will be in far better health and in a better frame of mind to enjoy intimacy.

Post op pain is very very manageable. I honestly felt no pain afterwards; you will be given a morphine pump to manage your pain. If you are like most ladies, you will use it probably for only the first day. After that, prescription pain meds and OTC meds will be very helpful. The worst pain I felt was from gas, not the surgery!

What eXACTLY has put your husband off? Has he ever told you exactly what his concerns are?

hi and thank you to all who have responded

my husband is like a deep ocean and as i said in most ways is very very supportive.... i think he may be running from something he feels he cant deal with, he is very squemish anyway, but as much as i try and seduce with the negligee..seductive letter... he just either says NO or comes up with an excuse !! its role reversel...... i mean im not un attrective or obease in any way.... i no we cant do alot but its still possible..and i feel im getting batterd from all angles... age nearly 40...health....and rejected by the man i love.... what else is going to go wrong this year !!

alba1,
Sometimes men get scared because they do not understand what is happening or they very feel inadiquate because they can not help us, especially if we are in a lot of pain. I have found that talking to my husband and being honest about my feelings helps him understnad what I am going through. There is a men's section on this site called MRSISTERS. it explains to the men what we are going through. It is helpful and informative. Try taking your husband to your Dr. appointments. make him part of your decisions and be honest with all of your feelings. The more he understands, the less out of control he will feel and may be able to open up to you more. Wishing you and your husband wisdom and peace with your decisions and feelings : )

alba1,
I just joined this group today, because I found out yesterday that I would need this surgery. Funny that your post is the very first one I saw. I did not even tell my husband why I was going to the Dr. (mostly because of pain during intercourse). I knew if I told him I was experiencing pain he would "turn off", but I also knew it was because he would become extremely self conscience and always think he was hurting me. So yesterday when I got home and told him I let it sink in for a while and later asked him point blank if it was going to be a problem for him. He said no, but I know how his mind works. If your husband is like mine at all and I am assuming a stoic Scot it may be the same. He is probably going to be thinking the whole time "I'm hurting her". Not sure how it will work out before hand but it will probably be fine after, it may just take a few times before he realizes he isnt causing you pain. BTW you live in the most wonderful place on earth and I wish I were there with you now. I love the Highlands.

My husband doesn't want to be intimate because he's afraid he will cause the problem to be worse or hurt me. I finally talked him into it, and promised we would stop if something wasn't right. It went GREAT - and now have to plan a few more moments before surgery.