Is it normal to not be intimate at all?

I had a sudden and surprising hysterectomy with both ovaries removed on 11/16/09. I am coming up on two years. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have 3 great kids. My problem is that we have only had intercourse twice since my surgery - yes twice in almost 2 years. I do not know why. I feel alone and ashamed. I'm afraid something is wrong with me. I was heavy when I had my surgery but I have gained more weight since. I use hormone therapy, vivelle dot, and I found out this past spring I also have thyroid problems and take med for that. I am not sure it is a dysfunction completely of desire on my part, but I am afraid my husband does not want to be intimate with me because I had the hysterectomy and lost both ovaries. I feel less of a woman and totally changed. I believe that he loves me but I do not think that he desires me in that way anymore. He sleeps in the chair in our family room and rarely comes to bed. I do not know if we need marriage counseling or not. I have even considered separation or divorce because I do not feel loved or wanted in an intimate way - I feel that he is withholding affection. Has this happened to anyone else? This hysterectomy has ruined by life and I do not know how to reclaim it. I miss my ovaries!! Help me if someone has any advice!

I am sorry for all that you have gone through.
I would definitely get counseling. I would have gotten it more than a year ago. It is never too late. You have a marriage and 3 beautiful children. They are counting on you to keep the family together.

"I am not sure it is a dysfunction completely of desire on my part, but I am afraid my husband does not want to be intimate with me because I had the hysterectomy and lost both ovaries. I feel less of a woman and totally changed."


It is not just the hysterectomy. Men need sex for a good and healthy marriage. It could be a number of things, not just the hysterectomy and the lack of libido that comes with it.
Unless something is seriously wrong with him mentally, men are quite willing to have sex if they can get sexually aroused.
If you were overweight before the surgery and have put on even more weight, it is time to lose it. Looking sexy never hurt when trying to have sex with your DH.

A better reason is that it is better for you...how you feel about yourself and what is good for you. Diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, asthma, high cholesterol etc. are just a few of the serious conditions that come with the added weight and/or obesity.

Do you exercise? Time to put your tennis shoes on and get walking.
You need to get in at least 30-40 minutes a day of vigorous walking.
You need to sweat it out.

Have you had a full check up with an endocrinologist (thyroid)?
What are you eating?
Write down everything that goes into your mouth (be honest) for a month.
Figure out what and where you can cut as far as foods.

Start with cutting out all obvious sugars: no candy, cakes, pies, cookies, sodas, juices,
Then work on cutting out the fats: breads, fatty meats, etc.
The identify the high caloric foods and limit them.
Eat fresh veggies and fruits, limiting carbs.

Add in the exercise, 40 minutes a day.
Make an appointment with the endocrinolgist to rule out diabetes and make a plan for getting you in better shape.


Do you grab your DH in the crotch when you walk past him?
I do several times a day, whether I feel sexy or not.

I would not ignore this.
If he won't give you any sex, I hate to say this, but he may be already busy with someone else.

You will know if he refuses to go to counseling with you. Most men that want to improve the marriage will do anything.

Even if it is not the answer you want from him, you can still keep him because you and he have a long history of love, 3 beautiful children, and a home. You have the "edge," so don't give up.
If he won't go to a counselor with you, you go. Get strategies on what to do.

Good luck and god bless you.
I wish you well, but you need to understand that your problems do not just stem from your hysterectomy.

I miss my ovaries, too, but I refuse to allow this loss to dictate my life.

I was woundering if I will want to have sex. Its only been 7 weeks and we are not clear for sex but he was fooling around with me, and I don't want to be touched. I do hope this gets better. I know we have some emotional issues, he with holds emotions and affection of love. I don't want to be touched anymore. Sorry I can't be more helpful, I guess I just wanted to let you know that i sorta feel the same as you, no real intrest and it feels like my life was torn appart.

I have felt that way at times to but not quite like you ladies. I wish you both well and hope things improve for you.

First off I would like to say that I am sorry for all that is happening around you now. Before you contemplate divorce or seperation, I would try counseling, preferably together. have you spoke with your doctor about sexual dysfunction in a woman, and kept in touch with your health issues, sometimes men may get scared and withdraw out of fear. fear of loss, fear of not understanding..does he attend doctor appointments with you? If so, perhaps bringing this to your physicians attention may help to offer up ideas and solutions. Do you spend time with one another. I am slightly over weight and after my surgery I was scared. My husband and I make time for one another, whether its an hour a day, or 10 minutes..where we just focus on being adults. We aren't rich, and can't afford alot of extras, so I improvised. In my desire to take better care of myself, I wanted to get more exercise. I decided to start talking a walk twice a week, and incorporated time with my husband into it, our son sometimes comes along also, and plays at the playground where I walk and my husband does with me. Sometimes the role between parent and lover get blurred, as well when you add medical distractions, and then just the normalness of one another. I would STRONGLY advise both of you speaking to your physician about this, and ultimatly getting counseling..it might be able to help you both!
Be blessed

{{{ Hugs }}}

Bravo for you for talking about this very personal issue. I'm sure it is something many women face after their operation. Although I'm not married myself, I feel a loss of sexual feelings too.

Just a quick check online I found that it is not uncommon for women to lose their sex drive after a hysterectomy because of hormonal concerns. The recommendation seems to be to talk to your doctor.

So there may be physical reasons for why you are feeling this way and all this is getting tangled up with the emotional side of it. Once you make a plan, take some action, I think it will make you feel better about yourself. And that should help you to feel sexy again. Feeling sexy for women, I think is 90% emotionally. For guys, it's 90% physical.

Any type of moving, walking, free weights, swimming will help you feel stronger and more self confident, with a side benefit of losing a few pounds. Please take care.

I would like to encourage you! Like the other women here, if you feel so strongly about your weight (i struggle with this also!), get up & get moving. Even if all you can do is a short distance & then gradually build up.

As for your relationship with your husband. I have repeatedly told my daughter in law that if she doesn't pay attention to her husband, someone else will. Take the time to talk WITH your husband. Start a casual conversation. Find out how his day was. Ask him how he really feels. Get to know your husband all over again. You don't need excess amounts of money to go on dates. A walk in the park, a candle lit dinner, a movie & popcorn in your home, sitting out on the porch watching a sunset or sunrise. There are lots of ways to reclaim your marriage.

And, most importantly, don't judge yourself. God created you just as you are, He made you in His image. You are a beautiful WOMAN!! Please, don't compare yourself to others. The images we see on tv & in magazines are airbrushed. Look deep within yourself & remember why you chose to marry your husband. My bet is, you found him attractive, not just physically. Psst! There's no reason a woman with vivacious curves (that includes me) can't be sexy!!! It's an emotional thing. Confident in who you are, not what you are.

Oh one more tip for rekindling the flame. Try writing a love letter & putting somewhere that will surprise him, like his lunch or brief case or his vehicle (tape to steering wheel). Small little love notes work wonders too. A simple I love you & appreciate all you do or I think you're sexy or I can't wait to see you tonight or Thank you for being my husband. Use your imagination and go for it!! He's YOUR man, go reclaim him!!!! I'll be praying for you!!
Love ya, Mindy

P.S. You do need to discuss the lack of sex drive with your doctor. My feelings are that if you can remind yourself that you're beautiful & start paying attention to your husband, those feelings of passion will return. And if they don't go back to the doctor. Keep trying & NEVER give up.

"As for your relationship with your husband. I have repeatedly told my daughter in law that if she doesn't pay attention to her husband, someone else will. Take the time to talk WITH your husband. Start a casual conversation. Find out how his day was. Ask him how he really feels. Get to know your husband all over again. You don't need excess amounts of money to go on dates. A walk in the park, a candle lit dinner, a movie & popcorn in your home, sitting out on the porch watching a sunset or sunrise. There are lots of ways to reclaim your marriage."
You are so right.
I have been guilty of not paying attention, and I am glad that I realized this.
I have been a lot better the last few years, and the results in our relationship and love life have only gotten better.

Hang in there, but take it step by step to improve your marriage.

I had a TVH in October 2004 and although I retained both ovaries and my hormone levels have remained pretty constant I do find myself sometimes 'turning off' in the middle of an encounter with my husband where I've simply shut the whole thing down, rolled over and gone to sleep.

I've done this a few times over the years and I absolutely hate myself for having reacted this way but at the time have had an inexplicable need to do so. After the last time I did this my husband brought it up the next day (he's the best husband in the world so I know it really hurt him) and I felt really upset with myself that I made him feel so badly about himself and I also wondered why I would react like that.

We didn't have sex for about a month afterwards as every time we went to bed I made sure I was fully clothed and not in any wayshape or form ready for sex as I just felt repulsed by the idea of it.

Last week I realised that this was not going to bode well for our marriage so I took a day off work and just meditated and thought about sex with my husband for the whole day - it started off badly, I fought it hard and honestly thought we were done for but strangely (and happily) by the end of the day I couldn't wait for him to come home, I'd cooked a nice dinner for us and when we went to bed later on that night we had the best night together we'd ever had. I know it sounds really corny but it's like I had to have that day to myself where I wasn't concentrating on anything else but my relationship with my partner in order to anticipate and enjoy wanting him again.

The best thing about it was that I was finally able to shake off the fact that I've had a hysterectomy and that it really doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy sex again as our sexual function involves not only our sexual organs but our brains and the rest of our body as well - there's so much more to it than having a uterus.