perceived lack of support

Last night I got angry with my hubby and asked him why he doesn't talk to me about the surgery. He said that for one thing it's too far off in the distance (Aug. 26th) for him to worry about and added that he has faith in my doctor (he's met her before) and since I had a myo two years ago he pretty much knows what to expect.

For some reason that really bothered me. :burning: I've never been the emotionally needy type but I am now and don't know how to ask for what I need. Is it wrong of me to be upset with my husband and friends because they're not doing the things I would be doing if someone else was in my shoes? No one is talking to me about this and I need them to!

Restoring some faith in humanity, earlier this morning a co-worker put her hand on my shoulder for a moment, then walked away. That meant so much to me.

Thanks for letting me complain. I've been keeping too much inside for too long and giving an outward appearance that everything is hunky-dory.

Hi Allison

I know what you're going through. My dh is the same way. Almost like this is no big deal so what's the need to talk about it. I want to get everything arranged, like who is going to help clean and his answer is "we'll deal with it when the time comes. (my surgery is 8/12). I don't know if these guys are just trying to hide their true feelings or really don't understand what we are getting ready to go through.

Wish I could offer some support. Maybe there are ladies out there who could help us both.

I woke up in a panic this morning around 4:00 a.m. I looked at the clock and thought that I had less than 12 hours to go and started freakin, I just laid there watching the clock and saying okay now 11 hours, now 10 hours and 45 minutes. I did this for about and hour and half before I realized it was still over 24 hours away. Then I was able to go back to sleep. If that happened last night any suggestions on how I might keep this from happening tonight.

I'm scheduled for surgery tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. and need to be at the hospital at 5:00 a.m. I have this lurking feeling that there will be no rest for me tonight.

Gotta go load up on Gatorade and Water so that I'm nice and hydrated tomorrow.

I'm sorry that my first post got put on your list, It was suppost to be a new topic.

I took this class once and the instructors view of this men from mars and women from venus thing is that men feel just as deeply and sometimes even more deeply than women, however, they are less articulate about expressing it.

I think that many husbands have a hard time expressing their fears about their wives upcoming surgery. It could be that he is just as nervous as you are but, is afraid to let on because he doesn't want to compound your already existing fears. It could be he just doesn't know what to say.

Julie

I this must make it more difficult for you. I truly know what you mean tho.

My dh is a Minister of Music, after choir practice last evening, we always do prayer request. His FIRST one was for me for my surgery. The SECOND one was for HIM. It was sort of funny, but I knew by that, that he was having a hard time with it. I think he is afraid that something will happen to me, or it won't go well and he cannot stand to see me hurting or in pain. He doesn't deal with that sort of thing very well.

It just seems like this surgery (8/6/02) is consuming my life right now. I eat, sleep and think - 5 days away, 4 days away. It can be totally debilitating.

Love to you
Terri

Terri said it right on the mark...It is all I can think about,and life goes on around me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. My husband has told me many times over the years that he just is not good at picking up signals, "so please honey, just tell me what you want"....and that has made all the difference. Whatever I want, I just start out with "Sweetie, could you please" and he always comes through, whether it is do the dishes, go to the store, give me a hug, put down the paper and listen, or just tell me you love me. I have the feeling he will be hearing that phrase often in the next few months.

hang in there...we are in this together.
FlossBoss

Allison hi,

Yes, aloof...distant...not listening...doesn't like the subject matter...MEN. What Julee said..mars and venus is so true.

I truly believe when the time is right, your dh will jump in with both feet. Meantime, ask him to read all of the FAQ for Family Members in the pull-down menus. Also Surgical Menopause and Hyst Recovery in the pull-downs. Print it out and ask him in a week or so to read them and then have a SHORT conversation regarding your concerns or fears and tell him how you are going to really need him.

They (men) wait for the crisis, then want to fix it, then wait for the reward. Women, anticipate the crisis, always work on it, and never expect a reward.

Husbands need to know exactly what the name of the surgery is and what it means. The exact organs and the proceedure. He will be your ears and eyes while you are under the meds. He will help to monitor your pain levels (not by pushing the morphine button though) and bring you the comforts you need: water, chapstick, pillow etc. at the hospital. He will have to listen to the doctor right after the surgery and again later in the room with you. He has much to do and I'm sure he will raise to occasion.

He'll be there for you when you need him. Right now, we'll be here for you. Why do you think there are so many of us???
Over 19,000 members and look on the bottom of the forum page, often there is 50- to 60 of us on line at once. We all are not doing research...we are looking for that support!

And Julee.....I had your night last night myself. I don't even have a date. I was hurting and felt nervous thinking about surgery. I got up and began typing how I felt. 2 hours later, I laid down and was out like a light. Good luck.

s to you both

s

He never ever watches this stuff it usually grosses him out. But what does he decide to turn on and watch exactly one week prior to my date, the surgery channel!

I started getting nervous and walking around the house like a crazy person trying not to hear or see anything on the TV. Finally, I said, "please turn that off. I cannot handle this right now."

He did, but was mumbling and grumbling about it. My hubby has cancer (doing well, thank you) but can't stand seeing shows or movies about people dying from cancer. So I said, "you know how cancer shows make you feel, that's how the surgery channel makes me feel." He finally got it and turned on a comedy.

Geez...must we always spell things out for them....Men.

O.

A big group to everyone. You guys nailed it in that surgery is consuming my every waking moment. Thank goodness it's been a busy week at work so I haven't had too much time to let my mind wander.

Hubby is not a mind reader and I need to remember that.

Thanks to everyone.

First - DH has always been right there for me - if I told him where right there was.... The previous posts are all right on. Men have a primal need to identify the problem and make it go away. So, the problem has been identified and our way of coping is to talk about it. We analyze from every angle, turning over each piece again and again until we're familiar enough with all the variables that we are sure we can cope. This drives them crazy. They have a need to ignore that whole thing until it's time to DO SOMETHING.
DH and I have a deal that goes back years. We have promised to tell each other whenever it seems like the other one is missing the point. We get in the car and drive around talking until we feel like we're back on the same page. Last night, DH suggested we go for a ride - I finally got brave enough to ask what the problem was and he said - I know you're glad you finally have a date and I am too. I just want you to be on the other side of this, feeling good and not hurting anymore. I don't want to give you anything else to worry about, but I'm just afraid you're not going to wake up". There. He said it. I know it cost him big time to come out and tell me that because that is one of the things I wasn't too worried about. He had already listened to me endlessly about everything else. And now I'm thinking about it a little too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that most of our dear husbands are trying to be there - they just see everything from a completely different point of view. And they figure we're so good at the endless verbal analysis - they can save themselves the effort and stand by to "beat up" rude doctors and nurses who can't find a vein. And run out for more hot fudge. LOL.