How can I make him understand?

My DH said a few things yesterday that sent me for a loop. The first thing you have to know is that he is a very kind man and a great husband, but he has never, ever, been in for surgery and is rarely sick and gets over things very quickly. That said, as I have posted already I am about to have a SAH and my blood is very low. My Ferritin is 3. I have cancerous cells in my uterus,and VERY heavy bleeding. I was telling my DH yesterday about some of the things that the DR. had said, no lifting, no stairs, not to much sitting, more laying, and walking short bits, and after the first two weeks, I could move around a bit more, but no driving, no groceries, no lifting, and to generally take it easy untill I see him on my post- op visit.

My DH seemed to hear me, but then when I said that I would have to see the DR to have my stiches out, he suggested that I could drive myself. I explained again that I was not allowed to drive, let alone be by myself at that point. He had also said, that since I would be in the hospital for Mother's Day, that on the Tuesday when I get out of the hospital he would take me out for dinner, when I explained that I could not do that , he said , well it's only just going from the car to the restaurant and back in the car, and then the car to the house. Also, he made a comment, that after the first two weeks, it would be like a holiday for me to be off work for 2-4 weeks longer. He said it was him, that was going to be in boot camp!

I have made arrangements for the children, and a cleaning crew to come in every two weeks. I have arranged for Home Care to support me with some laundry and some meal prep. I will also prepare some foods ahead and he knows all this. I will be alone at home during the day, as he has to work, and this does not concern him, it does however, for the first few days anyway, concern me!

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I am more afraid of what will happen when I come home, than I am of the surgery.
He has also said that I should work six days a week, and longer days, until the surgery, to get all my clients in before I go to the hospital. All this and get the kids clothes changed over from winter to summer stuff, get the yard cleaned and ready, have the house in order, and take it easy too!

Help me ....how do I get him to understand without sounding like a baby, I am so emotional at the moment and I don't want to start crying, but it is so hard not to! Any suggestions would be helpful, also, if you think he is correct, and that I am over reacting, (which could be the case) feel free to let me know that too!
Thanks in Advance,
Sheila
P.S.
Sorry about the length of this!

Wow...I totally understand your concerns here. Is your DH military?...just kidding!

Okay, seriously now, if it were me I'd call my doctor and explain the misunderstanding my DH was having, then I'd ask if there could be an appointment for DH to come in alone and be told about this surgery. I'd even have the doctor tell in graphic detail what was being done, maybe even include some pictures. After my DH would be picked up off the floor from fainting I'd have the doc then tell him the REQUIRED recovery limitations and the complications that could arise if those limitations were not adhered to.

I don't know if that idea helps. It's what I'd do. Fortunately my DH is a very kind and supportive guy...maybe it's because he knows I'd resort to this if I had to, lol.

Seriously...give your doc a call and ask for some support. I'm sure he's dealt with clueless husbands before. He should be able to help you with this.

Rita

Hi Sheila,

Sounds like your dh needs a wake up call, is it possible for you to make another appt with your dr and for your dr to explain to dh what is going on. It sounds like he is in denial. If the appointment is not possible then I would assume once dh sees you in the castle maybe the will come on. Make sure you show him your staples/stitches and really put on a show. This is for your benefit, not his.

As for dinner after you get out on Tuesday, take out is fine. The walk to the car from castle will be enough for one day. Stand your ground. Leave hospital in your nightgown with your coat over top, you can't go to a restaurant dressed like that! Never, ever get dressed, do not put on make up or do your hair. Once you do, dh will think you are all better and you certainly won't be.

There is a website, pelvicfloor, which shows quite graphically what is done in a hysterectomy. Don't look at it yourself if you're flip-flopping on the surgery, or if you have a quesy stomach. It is quite graphic.

Depending on the ages of your children, they should be expected to help. Even a 3 year old can help set the table and pick up in the living room. Your first few days home shouldn't be too hard, you'll be tired and will nap several times a day. As long as someone is close by that a phone call can bring them, you should be fine.

Be assured that you are not being a :cry: baby, this is a major surgery and you will not be 100% for up to a year post op. Over do it when you're healing and healing will take longer.

Hoping this helps,

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

Wow...I totally understand your concerns here. Is your DH military?...just kidding!

Okay, seriously now, if it were me I'd call my doctor and explain the misunderstanding my DH was having, then I'd ask if there could be an appointment for DH to come in alone and be told about this surgery. I'd even have the doctor tell in graphic detail what was being done, maybe even include some pictures. After my DH would be picked up off the floor from fainting I'd have the doc then tell him the REQUIRED recovery limitations and the complications that could arise if those limitations were not adhered to.

I don't know if that idea helps. It's what I'd do. Fortunately my DH is a very kind and supportive guy...maybe it's because he knows I'd resort to this if I had to, lol.

Seriously...give your doc a call and ask for some support. I'm sure he's dealt with clueless husbands before. He should be able to help you with this.

Rita

Thanks so much!!!!!! Everyone!
I am thinking that you are all correct about the Visit to the Dr's for hubby! You have all made me laugh too, and feel not so alone, thank you for that, the best thing I ever did was to come to this site!
Was thinking I should read my post to DH, and see if he knows it's me talking about him! Then I should read him your replies!!!!

Only kidding..... but it would be interesting to say the least!!!!!
Thanks again all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheila

Oh wow - does this sound familiar... dh, who is also a complete sweetie, claims that since "your balls are so big you carry them around in a wheelbarrow" that I'll be just fine, not like everyone else. His mother, who is a complete hypochondriac did great so I'm going to do even better... Actually, I'm going to do however I do and he will adjust but boy am I tired of hearing him decide I don't have a problem. He is going to the pre-op and maybe I'll ask the doc to scare the h*@# out of him.

I also agree with showing him www.pelvicfloor.com My hubby made a comment about how he's seen this type of stuff before (thinking he'd be grossed out) and he said, "Honey I hope they keep you in the hospital longer than when you had the kids." With a TAH, SAH, or TVH there is much more work in the abdomen than delivering a baby and placenta. Keep in mind that the baby is supposed to come out. With a hysterectomy, you are losing a major organ. There can be nearly 100 or more stitches inside you that will seal off blood vessels and reattach uterine ligaments to other parts of you (among other things), creating a whole new internal structure to support your vagina, etc. This is a MAJOR cutting-and-stitching job inside you. Some women that have had vaginal hysterectomies can also have over 100 internal stitches.

It takes 3-4 months for the internal sutures to be completely healed, so we have to continue to be careful how much we lift, push, pull, and strain for at least that long after the hysterectomy.

As far as going out to a restauraunt, NO WAY You may not feel like eating much and also you are putting yourself at risk for people bumping into you or coughing, sneezing, on you. Not only that but to much sitting can put to much pressure on the newly attached ligaments and can lead to groin pain. Sitting is an activity! I was told to limit sitting to no more than 30 minutes at a time the first week or so and gradually increase the time to your comfort. You may not think that something like sitting can cause trouble but if you overdo, it hits you like a ton of bricks. This surgery somehow makes us tire easily so you may only feel like doing half of what you normally do. I was not allowed to lift anything for six weeks. You only have one chance to heal right. To many people have gone out and overdid and ended up with complications or a set back in their recovery. Pamper yourself.

I didn't start driving until 3 weeks post op and even then it wasn't every day. You may want to check with your auto insurance company as some don't cover you until you are at certain amount of time recovering from surgey and some don't cover you for 30 days after recieving general anesthesia. With all the internal stitches that is a LOT of healing going on. Your husband needs to realize this. Good luck.


Here's another link about someone's husband not understanding
https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/sho...=baby+supposed

Sheila, my advice (in addition to the wonderful advice already given here) is just to stand your ground and defend your recovery. It would be nicer if your DH understood -- and maybe your doc can show/explain it in terms he can understand -- but if he doesn't, too bad. Stand your ground. Tell him you are not going out to dinner Tuesday evening, you are going straight home to lie down. If he wants to think that you're getting a 6-week vacation, let him. You, I, and the rest of the punctured princesses know better.

I had a pretty easy recovery, but I couldn't comfortably sit up for more than 20 minutes at a time for a couple of weeks after surgery. I couldn't even lean all the way back in a recliner. Had to be flat on my back to be comfy.

Your DH may just be in denial, trying to convince himself that nothing really extreme is going to happen to you because he's scared you may not recover well. You could reassure him that of course you will recover beautifully, but you'll do it the way your doc says to, and not on your DH's timetable.

Best of luck. Don't let anyone rush you -- this is about you and your body, not your DH and his perceptions.

Lissa

Yeah, when I was first married hubby was Mr. Sympathy, too. NOT! It's been 18 years now and he'd learned a little.

First some examples of his bedside manner in the early years:

#1 - I came down with a terrible bronchitis. Mr. Sympathy complained that my persistent coughing kept him awake at night so he made me move to the fold out couch in the livingroom. I was unable to go to work because by now I was in a state of semi-unconsciousness. The days streamed into the nights and into each other. When hubby left for work he didn't even leave me with a glass of water to drink and I suppose he thought I was capable of finding the medication on my own - I wasn't.

I finally started to recover and, after a long planning session on how I'd accomplish the feat, I managed to get up from the couch, go to the bathroom, and get a drink of water from the kitchen all in the same trip. While in the kitchen I vaguely registered that EVERY dish, pot, glass and flatware item was out of the cabinets and laying dirty all over the counters and in the sink. I mentioned this to hubby when he got home from work. He said, "Yeah, that's okay. I notice when you're sick you tend to let the house go."

#2 - Years later you'd think he would have learned better. You'd also think he would have picked up a few hints from being around me after years of my working as an EMT. One hot summer day I had been working outside and let myself get too dehydrated. I quickly moved from heat exhaustion and was bordering on heat stroke. I realized what was happening and got myself into the house and into the bedroom. From there I tried to get hubby's attention so I could tell him I had to go to the ER. He sat in the living room and proceeded to ignore me. I finally got one of the kids to convey a message for me. The reply was, "He's watching TV and wants you to wait until the game is over."

Yeah, Mr. Sympathy.

A few years ago, hubby and I had a serious crisis in our marriage and I was truly ready to leave him (one would wonder why I hadn't left him sooner given those two examples.) Hubby didn't want me to. He professed to love me more than anything else. Well, I told him he talked a good talk but his actions told me otherwise. One of the problems we were having was his almost constant business travel.

During a long conversation I asked him, "If something serious happened and I ended up in the hospital, would you still leave on your business trip?"

His reply was, "Well, I suppose if you were in the hospital I could go because I'd know you had doctors and nurses taking care of you."

That's all I needed to hear and I told him - calmly - that we were getting a divorce.

He simply couldn't understand why. If I had to explain it to him, it wouldn't have mattered at that point, YKWIM?

Well, we're not divorced. We had several intensive discussions about priorities and how a person's actions MUST match what they value most. Things changed. He started spending time acting in ways that proved to me how he really felt about me.

As a guy in the military, your husband will quickly get the significance of how important his actions are in communicating what he values.

Side note: My husband, like many men, appreciate that I'm competent and self-sufficient but secretly want to be someone's hero. I never let my husband forget how much I rely on him. He's my hero.

I think it's great that your DH wants to take you out for dinner. Give him a big grin and tell him you'd like him & the kids to take you for a nice dinner out BEFORE you go into the hospital, since you've been warned how badly you could injure yourself by doing things too soon after surgery. Then tell him that since you'll be ready to go out and about in mid-June, you'd like to take him for a Father's Day dinner to celebrate his helpfulness during your recovery.

MaryCat