In need of advice...

Hello everyone! I am new and have done alot of reading your posts. They are very helpful. But I am having a hard time dealing with the surgery fears much less a problem with my mom. I'm 28 and have 3 children, and am having a TAH scheduled June 30th (subject to change) and my mom said she's already planned on going to see one of my brothers that week for vacation (he lives out of our town) and had the nerve to ask me "you won't be mad if I'm not there?" Hello! I'm not a child, I'm not going to be mad, but I will not lie, my feelings are really hurting right now knowing that she doesn't even care that something COULD go wrong and isn't planning on being there for the surgery. Am I being childish? I would like for her to be there even though we've never had a great "mother-daughter" relationship anyway. Oh, and another problem is that my surgery is just a date floating in the air right now. My dr. has a health problem that he is scheduled for surgery himself in July sometime. He said it's possible that he could have to have his early. Well, if that happens, I am in a pickle. I am currently in RN school and only have 2 semesters left. I need this done asap. I can't wait until he gets back from surgery, emergency or not , and be healed enough to go back to school in Aug. I am on the hospital's cancellation list, so I could get a call and say it will done tomorrow, but then again I may wait until the day of mine and it may be cancelled...and then I'm stuck on whether to go on and schedule the surgery for a later date, hopefully not too much later,and postpone going back to nursing school, or do I want to suffer another year, until I get out of school to get this done? I have been suffering for 2-3 years now with heavy, painful bleeding during my periods, so the dr. put me on BCP continously, I never take the inactive pills, only the active ones. This has done nothing but make them worse. I now have clots, never know when I will start, and I feel crampy all the time, like I am going to start every day. I'm sick of this feeling, I'm tired of dealing with it, especially since I don't need my "stuff" anymore. Does anyone understand what I'm going through or have any ideas or comforts for a "momless" adult?

I hear you with the dates. The doctor told me I would be having surgery this summer, back on April 20th. But before it was scheduled he wanted me to see a specialist. Since then the two offices have agreed on a date (this after one would only do it on Fridays and the other doesn't do surgery on Fridays) but one can only be at the hospital until 830am and the other doesn't do surgery before 9am. I have an appointment on June 1st and should get a confirmation on my surgery date and TIME. Like only two weeks before surgery! I am the bread winner in the family and do shift work and I think it would have been nice to give work a little more heads up to get my shift covered.
As for mom not being in town, my feelings go out to you. My mom told my aunt (the two of them had plans to take the grandchildren to Disneyland together) that she flat out refused to be out of town the day of my surgery. Hurrah for mom!
Would your mom be of help to you during your surgery? Do you need her around to help with the children? Hopefully, your surgery and her departure will not coincide. Is there another Doctor you could go to? I know it is late in the game to switch, but it sounds like the doctor is also having some major personal issues and you deserve a time frame to work around.
Best of luck to you. Let me know how things work out!

Hi,
Sometimes I feel like I am a doormat for my mom, not only did she go out of town, she left me with her elderly dog and cat to care for. I had surgery on May 10 and she was suppose to pick me up at 11:00 a.m. on the 11th she didn't show up until after 2:00, I was so hurt. The car she drives now was bought and paid for by me. I pay the insurance for her too. She did stay at my house for four days after my surgery but then she was off for her trip to Alaska. Then my boss sends me a get well card and it said enjoy your vacation we need you back at 110%....GRRR
On the flip side, my son who is 13 and a big giant, 6'3" has been really great. He was slow to start but once he realized I couldn't do some things and he had to he jumped in and has been helping me out a great deal. He even cleaned my barn for me...
I am a single parent and it has been hard.

Thanks for your posts... I am sorry you too have an ungrateful mother. What is wrong with mothers today? I stopped trying to understand my mom and why she treats her 3 kids differently a long time ago. I know that my brother is her "favorite" and have known it for quite some time, but it's still hard at times like these. I love my mom, no matter what she's done to me in the past but a part of me nevcer wants to have anything to do with her, she probably wouldn't notice anyway. And like you, I will probably be the one dumped on when she goes out of town, not to mention when she needs elderly care, I guess I know who'll be expected to care for her... not either one of my brothers. I told her to go on her trip if that's what she wanted to do, since she did already have it planned before I had my surgery planned. But a part of me wants her here, you know? She didn't even seem remotely worried that something may go wrong or anything. She just asked if I was going to be mad. I would never even dream of being anywhere but at the hospital with my children having surgery, I don't care how old they are.
I appreciate the help... it helps knowing that I'm not the only one that gets treated this way by their own mother. Almost every one I know has a great relationship with mom, so they don't know what I'm going through. They all just say let her be that way and forget about it. It's not quite so easy.

So... how are you doing since your surgery???? I am nervous, anxious, excited, and scared all at the same time. I've had 3 c-sections, (1 of those were emergency) and dr. told me that the hystrectomy was a totally different ballgame. He said there was awhole lot more pain with this. I done really well with the c-sections, so I'm hoping that this won't be too awfully different.

HI crystal,
I really was and am a momless adult. my mom died when I was 14, and maybe that has been easier because there haven't been any expectations about what a mom should be.

Since I didn't have a mom, I just asked friends to help me in my life. If you have good friends they will help and we all did things for each other after surgeries, injuries, kids in the hospital. One even babysat our horse that had a colt while I was with my husband in a hospital 1500 miles from our home!

I know it is hard and there are hurt feelings, but just because people are our relatives doesn't mean they know how to act.

I wish you the best, and know you will find the support. I always say those with not so wonderful mothers know what NOT to do, and can make really great moms-like it sounds like you are.

Hey Crystal,
I know the feeling about just wanting your mom to be there. My mom too has her favorites. My brother and his kids. She started showing her favortism with the grandchildren and I put a stop to it right away. I told her don't you dare do that to my son the way you did to us as children. I have a lot of anger towards her that I don't even think she knows about and I can't believe I am actually telling people or writing people. I guess I feel like no-one really knows me so I can say some things and get it out and no-one knows me so I am safe. My mom did NOT look after me when I was young and she did NOT keep me safe. Oh my gosh can't believe I just said that too Wow I think my hormones are being shocked or something...
Everyone seems a little different with how they recover from their surgery but as for me I feel great, after the surgery I was awake and felt pretty good, it was not that bad for me. Today I am having some side pains but still feel really good, I haven't really experienced exhaustion but I think I've been giving my body lots of rest. I am excited about the healing process and so glad I did do this. My periods were awful and I am looking forward to no more of that. I did have some leakage but it was not urine as far as the doctors can tell. They have checked me for a fistula and everything came back normal. I haven't leaked for about a week so I hope that is it.
I am so glad you wrote what you did, I thought I was the only one having to deal with a parent like my mom. My dad passed away a few years ago and I have a hard time trusting people so I don't have many friends. I have lots of animals and I find them so faithful and they are my friends
take care
Lori