Venting- memories of my mom and other drama

I... this maybe doesn't go here. It maybe doesn't belong at hsytersisters at all. It's just hitting me. I have been trying so hard to maintain a good attitude. If I say anything not positive I'm convinced I'm whining.

I'm now 4 weeks post op. I thought I'd heal quicker (sound familiar?). I've had several reminders of my Mom in the last few days. She died last August. I was reading a post here and it made me remember. She died of septicemia. Horrible infection that came from a mix of pressure sores (aka bed sores) and a prolapsed uterus. My mom was mentally ill and in the care of my Dad. My family is very messed up. I don't understand how she got in that shape. Going through a hysterectomy so soon after she died, knowing that if she'd gotten care... I know that when I was a teen she was having problems with prolapse. I'm 40 now. I have know idea, how long it was really bad. (I'm trying not to be too graphic here, but it was fully prolapsed). I'm dealing with my issues and thinking about her.

And being tired and hurting and not being able to do things. It makes me think of her. It's a horrible thing, but a huge motivating force in my life has been to not be like her. Which feels like a terrible thing to say now that she's dead. My mom basically gave up on life when I was 10. By the time I was a teen she expected me to take care of her. She napped pretty much every day of my life and would have crying fits if those naps got interfered with. And here I am napping every day and I know it's temporary but it's making me nuts.

And since I'm bearing my soul here... I was sexually abused much of my life. I... some of the exams, like the ultrasound, that I've been through have been so triggering for me. I am so lucky, I found a really good understanding obgyn. I have a great doctor and therapist, but this whole thing has left me reeling. And my doctor broke her hand and the deal was, that if everything kept going well, we'd skip the pelvic exam at 6 weeks and now I'm getting dizzy.

I don't know what the point of this. I just went to feel better. If I was up and doing things, I'd feel better. That's something I've gotten out of my life. I can do things and take care of myself. I am not helpless. Except for lately...

You WILL feel better.

I am sorry for your losses. All of them. You sound like a strong and focused woman. Use that to focus on you so you heal. All your thoughts and feelings seem normal given the circumstances.

:hugs5:

I was just coming to delete what I wrote thinking it was TMI, but instead I'll just say thank you Sassine

Hi Nature Lover.

Firstly, You've had a major operation which means you will be feeling tired, emotional and if like most of us on here prone to doing everything yourself, a bit like a spare part, Remember - This is Temporary, In the next few weeks you will slowly be able to do more and more and get back to your normal routines.

Secondly, you've had a lot to deal with that you shouldn't have, if you haven't already, maybe you could speak to your doctor about having some councelling, I can tell you from experience it really does help.

Use this site to vent, rant and get stuff off your chest, the ladies here will be more than happy to respond and most of us and have been there at some point ourselves.

And remember, you've lived through it and you are still here so you are a strong woman even if you don't think so at times. Give yourself a break, it's ok to have off days.

Sending you big hugs, xxx

Sometimes it is just good to get these things off your chest(vent), and hopefully you are feeling better already.

I know I have some issues myself and would love some therapy, and am looking into how I can make that happen. My insurance doesn't pay for any. Maybe this is something you could benefit from as well

You aren't alone...and you will get better.
Take care!

Hi NatureLover. I just want to say I am so sorry for the pain you have been through in life and for the loss of your mother. You sound like a very strong person and I hope being able to vent on here at this vulnerable time has helped you feel better. I know its not easy but it sounds to me like you deserve some rest. I hope your recovery goes well.

Thank you so much. Maybe venting helped because I didn't have the awful nightmares last night.

For those that asked, I have a wonderful therapist. About a year and a half ago I went and found a therapist who specializes in trauma. A super hard thing, but I know it's worth it. Thank goodness I did that before my fibroid issues got really bad. If I hadn't... well, I'd be a much bigger mess.

Tituba- "And remember, you've lived through it and you are still here so you are a strong woman even if you don't think so at times. Give yourself a break, it's ok to have off days."

Heh, I was reading your replies thinking "I'm not strong!" I will try to remember your words.

No nightmares, my dog has made me laugh and it's not raining as hard today. Today is starting out better.