what to do when your husband is not so dear

I'm scheduled for surgery June 30th and I'm having a hard time dealing with my husband. He certainly isn't being supportive at all. I had a drs. app't and he went with me. When driving home he said "I know it's your body and all but are you positive this is what you want? If I were you I'd think about it more." He was with me when looking at my larposcopic pictures that showed the endo that has my tubes, ovaries and bowels all fused together. He's seen me suffering for 3 yrs with severe bleeding, painful sex, fatigue etc. I said how can you question this after all I've been through. I also said that at least now he doesn't have to go have "his" surgery for birth control. He said he was going to anyways in case I die he can get married again and not have more kids. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive but it really bothers me that he's behaving this way. Btw we've been married 20 yrs and have had some problems and I wonder if he's trying to tell me something or just being an insensitive jerk right now. In either case it's another stress factor for me to deal with. Any suggestion on how to handle this?
Thanks,
Kelli

Kelli - I am not sure why it seems as though some (I'm sure not all) men have an "attitude" problem when their wives are facing this sort of thing. I am scheduled for June 17 & my husband has just been a bear. I think it's that he is nervous. And I don't think that most men know just how to deal with this kind of "fear". Especially when you have been married as long as the two of you have. He's probably just afraid and knows that there is nothing that he can do to "protect" you while you are having your surgery. While my husband has been supportive of me having the surgery, he's not being very supportive emotionally. A dear friend of mine experienced the same thing when she had her Hyst. So I have just decided that it must have something to do with the fear. Fear of losing what matters the most to them. Us. I think that there are probably other fears too, less "endearing" fears. There is the whole sex issue. Depending on what all is coming out, the mood swings and all of that.

But that of course does not mean that this isn't HAPPENING to YOU. Try to focus on yourself. Try to explain, in a nonthreatening way, how you feel and how his lack of support makes you feel. I can not say that it will solve the problem, but it should plant the seed.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. And do what you need to do, not what he wants you to do.

My DH and friends could not understand why I wanted a hysterectomy at 36. They all told me that you just don't go and yank body parts out. Well, I knew what I wanted and that is what is most important. Sorry your DH is so unsupportive. No one really gets it unless they've been through it and everyone here is behind you 100% because we know that it's a quality of life issue. Why can't we have a normal life too? Why do people think we should just suffer? If the shoe was on the other foot, they'd all be begging for one too. Try to ignore ignorant people. There's plenty around. Concentrate on you. You are most important. Good luck with your castle visit.
PS. The freedom is unbelievable. DH will be happy when he sees how much you change for the better afterwards. Mine has been pleasantly surprised by his new wifey. No one even mentions my surgery anymore, nor asks any questions about it. It's like it never happened. For me a great thing has happened and I am thankful for my new life everyday.

I think I understand about being concerned when your hubby says he wants to go ahead with a vasectomy even when you're having a hyst. That would set warning bells off in my head. I've had those kind of problems in my marriage and I worried about that happening again just as I need him most.

Only you can decide if you want to "snoop" to see if there is further reason to have cause for concern. I made the decision that POST-hyst is the best time for me to do that kind of checking. I just want to get through this. I can deal with the rest (IF I have to deal with the rest) when I'm healthier.

Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.

I am sending you a big HUG....I also have severe endo with everything fused together, and can relate to your pain for sure...and if your dh doesn't understand why you're doing this now - he will when you have it done and realize what a difference there is...I myself and my dh cannot wait. They kind of suffer with us, you know....2weeks out of the month there was no sex life not to mention the complaining and pain...I agree with the fact that your dh is probably scared to death, like we were before researching and learning, especially through this wonderful site. Plus I also agree, men do think they have to be there to fix everything and to protect us. I know with my dh if his way of dealing with fear and confusion is major attitude. So I try to inform him with as much information as I get and walk him through everything, as I learn it. We both over the weeks went from scared out of our wits yelling at each other (our fights last 2 minutes tops) to he asks me questions now or I'll tell him what I've learned and now we are both so anxious for our new pain free life. He even picked out jammies for me with froggies on them - wait til I tell his friends....sorry for babbling....My prayers are with you...Good Luck and God Bless

I am having a TAH due to severe endo and cysts. The day I went
to the doctor to go over my ultrasound, my husband did not go
as I had asked him to. There were many issues that we had
to resolve, but I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery
since I have been suffering every 3weeks. It was this week that
all was put to bed and my husband and I are at peace with the
surgery and he will be going to see my doctor for final ?'s and
concerns. It sounds like it may take some time for your dh to
come around and support you. My prayers are with you and your
husband. He should seek out some other male friends with
whom he can talk to. My husband leads a Promise Keepers
Bible study and our group and our church family have helped us
alot so far.

Thank you so much for all the support. I know from finding this site I'm not alone. It's comforting knowing that even if husband doesn't come around that there are women in here that understand. I'm going to try to keep him informed but not put too much energy into it. Instead I'm trying to keep the focus on staying positive and reading the post with so much valuable information.
Thanks again,
Kelli

Hi Kelli -

The same thing happened with my not-so-DH. He became emotionally and physically unsupportive and argumentative so much so that I came to this board for support. What I ended up doing is cancelling my surgery and I have not rescheduled it yet. I'm not sure when or if I will for a variety of reasons.

My point is that I see this thing with HUSBANDS is a common theme among us facing surgery. When we need them most they seem to be least available or dependable and very selfish.

Seems like whatever has been the problem in a marriage prior to the announcement of surgery, becomes an even bigger issue when faced with the surgery and being emotionally and physically dependent upon the husband.

I just want you to know, as you've already found out, that you're not alone at all and that we understand. I'm sending good thoughts your way and hope and pray that you will have a safe and speedy surgery and recovery.