Today, my very last period started...

Today, my very last period started. It has had just as big of an impact on me as my very first one did.

Today, I feel cheated somehow that I am going to miss out on the right of passage that menopausal women get to enjoy. In my mind, those who have endured the decades of periods are warriors, are my heros, and I am jealous of them. I am jealous that they are allowed to have nature take her course, while I am not given that opportunity. Sure, my ovaries will be left behind, it is only my uterus and cervix that are being removed so I will still go through menopause naturally...but I don't get the big prize at the end of it. I'm kinda angry about that.

Today, I cried because the most amazing part of my body, the part that carried my children and kept them safe, is no longer going to be a part of me. For some reason, my uterus and their bellybuttons have always carried intense symbolism for me. Why do I feel like I am losing a connection to them? I am an educated and successful woman and know that these thoughts are not rational, but today they are mine and I am struggling with them.

Today, I realized that my pain is almost over...but instead of being thankful I almost resent having to take care of my period one last time.

Today, I was so angry when buying a box of tampons because I know there is going to be left-overs.

Today, I realized that even though I feel cheated, mad and resentful...I will continue to be, the same woman after surgery. I realize that I am not defined by my uterus, instead by the roles I play...daughter, mom, sister, aunt, friend, therapist. And I know that I will be able to play those roles so much more effectively without my uterus.

Today, finally, I have made my peace with my surgery.

Ladybug you are a wonderfully smart person! I love how you were able to put everything into words. The connection and link with the bellybuttons was so very sweet. I wish you the best in your upcoming surgery and recovery.

Cristy

Believe it or not that's one thing that bothered me about the idea of getting a hysterectomy: not going through natural menopause, at least not in the same way as a woman with her uterus (I, too, will be keeping my ovaries). It's strange, but I was sad at the idea of missing that rite of passage. I did feel like I'm being "cheated" out of it, or at least that by having the surgery I will be missing out on something I'd looked forward to in a weird way.

On the other hand......what would happen if I decided to keep my uterus and experience natural menopause? The women in my family have tended to go through menopause late. I'm 27 now. If we say for the sake of argument that I'd reach menopause at age 55-and it could be even later-that's 28 more years of this! If it gets much worse than it is I won't be able to work at all-I had to cut back this year over my usual work hours as it is. I'm so tired most of the time that I can't do much more than collapse when I get home from work. I'm also starting to develop other health problems that I'm convinced are aggravated by the periods. In short, my quality of life will fall to a very low level. Is it worth throwing away the best years of my life just to experience a rite of passage? No, it isn't.

There's also another way to look at it: not of being "cheated" out of the "big prize" of no more periods, but having it come early. For me that's a wonderful gift.

I am currently on Day 14 of my very last period, and it looks like it might not be the last day. If not this will be the first time it's gone over 14 days of actual bleeding. That's not a good sign. If I let it continue it might continue to lengthen, as has been the trend. It could get to be three weeks instead of two. Meanwhile, I feel so weak that I've gotten alarmed and my blood pressure keeps dropping and getting more and more unstable. It's very scary. The surgery needs to be done.

I wasn't sure how I'd react to my last period. I thought I might be sentimental, or even that I'm not ready for it to be the last. Now I just feel that I need the surgery and this is the right time.

Thank you,for saying what you did in your post. It helped me to realize that i am not alone for feeling like losing a connection. But you also allowed me to see that i will still be a woman, no matter what parts are removed. I also started my last period yesterday, and i think thats what set me off. Now i will have to come to terms with my own surgery. Again, thank you for making me feel like i wasnt loosing my mind with having the feelings i was having.

That was a terrific post, and I appreciate it

As someone who had a LAVH on Nov 11, due to adenomyosis, this is how I felt.

Yes my uterus was a home to my daughters as babies but they are 10 and 13 now and can really benefit more from having a mom who is not on the floor , writhing around in pain from deciding to keep a swollen uterus , every time she has her period.

Since both my kids are girls, I did not want them associating having a period with pain and suffering , and if by getting a hystrectomy, I can over time be a better mother to them, being able to give more of myself physically and emotionally with my health issues not distracting me, so be it.

My hystrectomy to me, was more for my hubby and girls, God willing i hope to be a healthier wife and mother to them , i want them to have memories of me as a healthy person not one crying her eyes out each time she got her period.

I can understand what you are saying perfectly but it is bittersweet, someday you will look back on this decision and thank yourself for making it.

wow- we need to keep this in rotation. You have put the thoughts of many women in writing!

THANK YOU!

This is a really well written post. I do have a question though-- if you are keeping your ovaries, won't you still go through menopause naturally? I mean, I know the monthly visitor stops now, but you will still experience "the change of life" as far as I've understood it. I too am in the midst of caring for my last period, and I really related with all of your thoughts. Thanks again for posting.

I have had so many of these same feelings. When I had my ablation two years ago, my bleeding completely stopped. I was completely unprepared for what life would be like without that monthly time-marker. My PMS symptoms diminished. While my family was glad for this, I felt completely lost without those things that had been such a part of my life for so many years, and it seemed that time was passing without my being aware.

Still, there is a liberation I have felt at being able to make plans without having to worry about what time of the month it is and not having to make sure I have supplies stashed in my purse, the car, and the desk at the office. I still feel sad at times, and I'm sure that will continue to happen for a while after the hysterectomy, but it's sadness mixed with freedom, and I think that's okay.

Ladybug,

This is one of the most beautiful posts I've read. I think it is safe to say that we can all relate to your feelings.

I personally do not miss my period (today marks the day that I will have officially missed 2 periods since surgery!). While I don't feel cheated about not going through natural menopause, I do feel a bit awkward going through it at only 36. While other women my age are talking about starting families, I relate better to women 20 years my senior talking about hot flashes and nightsweats.