dVH/RALH: Feeling alone and depressed

ive been divorced for about 8 yrs now. The last two years I've been involved but taking it slowly with a great guy. We have been intimate a lot and exchanged our I love you's over the summer. I feel him distancing from me now and it hurts. I haven't heard an I love you in a month compared to everyday. The weekends we spent together stopped and are down to occasional dinners. I feel abandoned and unimportant. I lost both my parents last year. No family now. My children will be with their dad for a week while I recover. I have one good friend nearby who will be there during surgery and will occasionally check on me. Most of my friends live in other cities or states. I'm sleeping a lot and not getting tasks done. I'm sad about losing my uterus and am ashamed today that I have fears of feeling less feminine or disinterested or dissatisfied with sex. I'm overwhelmed. My SO says he has been busy with family obligations and work. At least making excuses to be kind but the distance and lack of contact tell me different. I'm kinda lost emotionally during this. I know I need the surgery and accept that. I just don't know how to handle it. Sorry to vent what must seem like trivial stuff.

Your feelings are NEVER trivial! I too have been struggling with the upcoming surgery.....I am relieved I will be getting my life back, but at the same time for some reason I can just randomly burst into tears. Our emotions are super sensitive right now, and this is normal!!! Something to look at in your situation....the people around us do not define who we are inside.....they don't get to decide whether we are beautiful or important or kind or loving.....that is something WE get to decide. And once we decide who it is we want to be, who it is we ENJOY being, then the people who are compatible to that type of person will begin to surround you.....even overwhelm you....with their love and support and kindness. I have struggled with this surgery, but now I am finding out I am so lucky.....this is like a new beginning...a second chance to re-define myself and who I am. I went through a divorce about the same time that you did. I also moved back home where no one remembered me or knew me...I was alone and friendless too.....my ex was both verbally and mentally abusive. It has taken me years to shed myself of all the terrible things he defined that I was. I have come to realize, that no matter how terrible all those things were, I am blessed to have learned this lesson about myself....blessed to no longer be in the dark about who I am and who I can be. You, sister, have a great opportunity before you. If this guy isn't stepping up to the plate when you need someone, then maybe it's a good thing for you....maybe even a great thing! Because that shows you that maybe you haven't been treating yourself so well either. Take this time after surgery to reconstruct who you are....to decide what things you enjoy in life, and what kinds of people you want to hang around, and then go out and slowly show yourself to the world.....you will be surprised at the response you receive, and eventually, people who are like minded will find you and become your greatest blessings. I have been where you are (and in some small ways still am fighting some of the very things you fight) but now I, WE, have hope.....NEVER be ashamed of how you feel....use your feelings to learn about how you should be treating yourself....maybe change your hair after surgery, or start a new eating plan, or join some type of club that meets once a week, something that will give you the confidence of beauty on the inside that you are afraid you might not have on the outside. I can say these things and still yet am not always good at practicing them myself lol....but I can tell you...you are not alone! No one else can love you as good as you can love yourself. And until you love yourself, no one else will be able to fully love you the way you need to be loved! Sisters are always here for each other....hoping maybe at least one thing I said brings some light to your darkness.... Hope your day/week/month/year gets better with every passing moment!!!

Sweatpea69,

Thank you for such a heart felt response. I know by experience all you say to be true. My marriage of 14 yrs was mentally emotionally abusive and I was also very down. It took a long time to pull myself up. I went back to college, started my own mural business, became the Vice President of our arts council. This gave me such a strong sense of self and that was when I met this man. Things have been wonderful. We have weathered his custody battles and the death of my mother. We are both extra cautious when it comes to our kids and his divorce is fresh. We met during. I guess that's why I feel so abandoned and alone now. For the first time in forever I had someone that fit me. Who treated me as an angel. Pet names and daily I love you's. I had hope. I let him become a priority and very important to me. Now his distancing is more painful. I'm trying to understand he is going through a lot emotionally too. He hasn't said good bye and still calls or texts daily. It's just incredibly different. I hope he works through his issues but I need him to be there for me. I need that shoulder. I know if he continues to distance it is over and I simply don't have the energy or open heart to let someone in my heart again any time soon. I know I will be alone and that is just sad. I'm not geared to be single forever. I'm a caretaker and partner by nature. It will be losing 2 very integral parts of me at once. Also I remember the recovery from my episiotomy when I was torn completely thru and needed repair and the c-sections. Then it was bad and I had my ex for support and help. Now I am alone. I will try to remember your words. They are so very true. I'm trying to cut myself some slack on my emotions. I literally slept all day today. Haven't been out of bed much. Thank you for reaching out.

Amnesia,

I am so sorry. This is incredibly bad timing for you. If he doesn't wish the relationship to continue he should let you know instead of leaving you hanging. Pre-op is a very difficult time, it's scary and emotional facing major surgery and all the unknowns that come with that. More than ever, now is when you need his support, help, and love. Perhaps he is having a hard time dealing with your surgery too and is distancing himself while he figures out how he feels. Either way, I suggest you sit down with him and tell him to put it out on the table. What is wrong, what does he want to do, etc. Is there any chance he was hoping for more children? Did someone he care about have something traumatic happen during surgery? I'm just wondering. Do you think his behavior is related to your having the surgery or do you think it could be something else in your relationship?

Here is some information for husbands/SO's that may be helpful. Perhaps pass them along to him after your talk together.

Helping Husband Understand
Calming a Scared Husband
Mr. Hystersisters

While his help after surgery and emotional support would certainly make things easier for you, please know that you can do this with or without him. Remember what you have gone through and accomplished in life. You are strong and capable and many women here recover without any assistance at home. You can do this. Because you're a woman.

I completely understand your feelings of sadness about losing your uterus. I desperately wanted to keep mine. I loved my lady parts and the amazing child that they gave me. I cried through the entire process... from when I signed the consent form, right up until they wheeled me into the OR, I was crying. And quite honestly, I cried a whole lot more post op. I never had any issues with pain or bleeding and I liked my periods. Being fertile made me feel feminine and sexy. I felt embarrassed to tell people and told only a few close friends what my surgery was for. I did not allow my DH to tell any of his family or friends. Three years later, they still don't know. This can be a very difficult thing for a woman to go through. Please know that whatever happens with your SO, you are NOT alone. You have joined an amazing group of women here who will support you, give advice and encourage you every step of the way.

Am I Less of a Woman?

My SO wants to meet up tonight and is planning a weekend away for us before my surgery. He seems to be returning to the guy I've fallen for. I'm trying to realize this can't be easy for him either. I'm dealing with a bladder infection rt now on 2nd round of antibiotics and am having suspicious cramping (a week early). Can't a girl catch a break, lol. If it's not one thing it's another. No romance tonight.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnesia chick ive been divorced for about 8 yrs now. The last two years I've been involved but taking it slowly with a great guy. We have been intimate a lot and exchanged our I love you's over the summer. I feel him distancing from me now and it hurts. I haven't heard an I love you in a month compared to everyday. The weekends we spent together stopped and are down to occasional dinners. I feel abandoned and unimportant. I lost both my parents last year. No family now. My children will be with their dad for a week while I recover. I have one good friend nearby who will be there during surgery and will occasionally check on me. Most of my friends live in other cities or states. I'm sleeping a lot and not getting tasks done. I'm sad about losing my uterus and am ashamed today that I have fears of feeling less feminine or disinterested or dissatisfied with sex. I'm overwhelmed. My SO says he has been busy with family obligations and work. At least making excuses to be kind but the distance and lack of contact tell me different. I'm kinda lost emotionally during this. I know I need the surgery and accept that. I just don't know how to handle it. Sorry to vent what must seem like trivial stuff.

This isn't trivial at all. Anyone in your situation would have their plate quite full with these feelings even without surgery in the near future. And because there is surgery in the near future, it is ANYTHING but trivial.

And don't feel like you're alone. You've got hundreds of women here on this website who are going/have gone through this surgery and all the emotions and experiences that come with it. Not to mention divorces, loss of loved ones, etc. You're not alone. We've been there, done that, relate, and totally get where you're coming from. Take advantage of that anytime.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that found it hard to say goodbye to my uterus. (and ovaries). It didn't matter that it was basically rotting inside me, hurting, full of tumors, and a huge source of misery for me for the last 13 years of my life....It was still where the greatest gifts of my life came from...my 3 kids. And I wondered if I would feel like a normal woman without it? There's a lot of feelings involved with that part of our bodies. And you don't realize that till it comes down to having it removed. And how it will change sex....oh yeah, that's a big question mark in all our minds. A HUGE one in mine.

I'm glad your guy seems to be fixing the distance problem. I hope he continues to do so. I split from my ex of 15 years in 2007, but am now remarried to my new husband as of 4 months ago. I feel like I have found the GREATEST guy on the face of this earth. I'm literally overwhelmed by how well I am treated. And I feel like we should settle for absolutely no less than that. I hope you get that as well.