Anyone dealing with a gossip in your family? MIL..grr

Hi ladies! This is more of a relational question. My mother in law is very sweet, she's been a big help when she has time here and there and I know she means well. BUT I keep finding out left and right that she keeps telling others of my surgery and progress. She is the biggest gossip I've ever met! I've already had multiple (sobbing) talks with her about not sharing my business. I'm SUPER private about my life. And she continues to do what I ask her not to, totally squashing all trust. I'm ready to write her off! My husband feels terrible for me and defends me. But neither of us have been able to get through to her. I don't think she'll ever change, honestly. Any suggestions??

My mom is the same way, and i had a big problem with her before the surgery (wrote about it in the pre op section). I just got to the point I don't tell her anything that's important at all. No matter how I am I just tell her I'm fine and so on. That's the only way I've found to keep my entire (huge) family from knowing every detail of my life.

My guess is that your MIL is not gossiping about you but rather she is sharing out of love and concern. And I'm guessing she has a vastly different idea of what is private and what is not.

My MIL was not a gossip, but she loved to share about her family because she loved us and was proud of us. She also knew if she shared information like sickness, that would allow more people to pray, step in and help, etc. She in no way meant to hurt us or betray us. That I know of, she never shared anything I told her was confidencial, but some did keep some things from her that they wanted kept private.

She also had different ideas about what was private. She never used the word pregnant and that whole topic was really taboo; yet, the topic of nursing a baby could be discussed at the table in mixed company. I said pregnant and discussed pregnancies, but was horrified when a BIL started discussing nursing with me.

I hope you won't write your MIL off but will instead try to realize that she comes from a different background and likely is not understanding the difference son personalities. I had no issues with people knowing how my recovery was going or that anyone and everyone knew about it, but other women such as yourself don't want anyone to know as they feel it is personal. It can be challenging when you have the two different types of personalities in the same family. My sister pretty much doesn't acknowledge anything to do wirh femininity in conversation or even let us know she is pregnant as she is so private.

Have you specifically told your MIL that you don't want anyone to know about your recovery? She probably won't understand but have you kindly explained that you do not want her to tell anyone how you are doing because you want that information kept private as you are a very private person? Sometimes things have to be completely spelled out, leaving nothing to assumption.

Has your DH talked to your mom and shared that you are private and do not like your health discussed by anyone? Does he have a sister you can talk to?

I know this can be frustrating, but it might help to look at her talking as acts of love rather than as a slight against you.

s

I had a similar issue when I had a variety of health issues last year - I asked my mum not to tell anyone as it was private and personal (I'd had injections in my vagina!!)

Then I found out she'd told at least three people.
From then on I haven't told her anything, as I realised that having that information gave her something to worry and talk about. If she doesn't know then she can't tell - simple

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Originally Posted by always1011 My mom is the same way, and i had a big problem with her before the surgery (wrote about it in the pre op section). I just got to the point I don't tell her anything that's important at all. No matter how I am I just tell her I'm fine and so on. That's the only way I've found to keep my entire (huge) family from knowing every detail of my life.

That's definitely where I'm at with it. She just won't be told anything. It's been a long time coming, unfortunately. Thanks for sharing! Xoxo

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Originally Posted by Weiser My guess is that your MIL is not gossiping about you but rather she is sharing out of love and concern. And I'm guessing she has a vastly different idea of what is private and what is not. My MIL was not a gossip, but she loved to share about her family because she loved us and was proud of us. She also knew if she shared information like sickness, that would allow more people to pray, step in and help, etc. She in no way meant to hurt us or betray us. That I know of, she never shared anything I told her was confidencial, but some did keep some things from her that they wanted kept private. She also had different ideas about what was private. She never used the word pregnant and that whole topic was really taboo; yet, the topic of nursing a baby could be discussed at the table in mixed company. I said pregnant and discussed pregnancies, but was horrified when a BIL started discussing nursing with me. I hope you won't write your MIL off but will instead try to realize that she comes from a different background and likely is not understanding the difference son personalities. I had no issues with people knowing how my recovery was going or that anyone and everyone knew about it, but other women such as yourself don't want anyone to know as they feel it is personal. It can be challenging when you have the two different types of personalities in the same family. My sister pretty much doesn't acknowledge anything to do wirh femininity in conversation or even let us know she is pregnant as she is so private. Have you specifically told your MIL that you don't want anyone to know about your recovery? She probably won't understand but have you kindly explained that you do not want her to tell anyone how you are doing because you want that information kept private as you are a very private person? Sometimes things have to be completely spelled out, leaving nothing to assumption. Has your DH talked to your mom and shared that you are private and do not like your health discussed by anyone? Does he have a sister you can talk to? I know this can be frustrating, but it might help to look at her talking as acts of love rather than as a slight against you. s

Thank you for your insight! I really appreciate it!!

We are not the average family. I come from a very dysfunctional family which is why I'm so private. When my husband and I got married I moved a thousand miles away from my family and sort of adopted his. We are all incredibly close, actually to a fault. My husband and I have had to back up and actually put more boundaries between us all. With all of that being said, it has been made crystal clear many many times what I'm Ok with her sharing and what I'm not. When I find out she has told yet another person and confront her she says something like oh I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking! It's just ridiculous. It's hurt our relationship for almost 7 years and this is my last straw. I'm not sure how to handle it yet or even how I feel. But there are definitely some drastic changes that have to be made. Anyway, thank you for the encouragement! I appreciate it! Oh and I do have a sister in law who I'm very close with but she's closer to her mom and can see no wrong in her. My MIL could do anything and be defended. So that's quite frustrating. :/ Just praying I'll get some clarity as to how to handle it.

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Originally Posted by Salad I had a similar issue when I had a variety of health issues last year - I asked my mum not to tell anyone as it was private and personal (I'd had injections in my vagina!!) Then I found out she'd told at least three people. From then on I haven't told her anything, as I realised that having that information gave her something to worry and talk about. If she doesn't know then she can't tell - simple

Isn't it mortifying when you run into some random GUY who knows someone who knows someone who heard from someone you had all kinds of vaginal work done....my goodness gracious. I definitely agree with you!! She will be totally in the dark from now on for sure.

Please don't write her off! I can tell you from the other side of things that it hurts when your inlaws do not display any type of concern and don't take any interest in your recovery. I would suggest just telling her less, or telling her very generic things like "I still don't have my appetite back", or "I'm still a little sore but getting better"-things that you would tell a casual acquaintance, like a neighbor or someone at work, if they asked. That way if she spreads it around you won't feel so violated.

[quote=bluebird;4411475]Please don't write her off! I can tell you from the other side of things that it hurts when your inlaws do not display any type of concern and don't take any interest in your recovery./QUOTE]

Yeah, my mil could care less about my surgery or anything else that happens in our family. OTOH, at least I can honestly say she has never interfered, LOL!

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Originally Posted by jwhit Isn't it mortifying when you run into some random GUY who knows someone who knows someone who heard from someone you had all kinds of vaginal work done....my goodness gracious. I definitely agree with you!! She will be totally in the dark from now on for sure.

I can sure relate to this it happen to me to but from my mother im very reserve of my life when i had my hysterectomy it was hard for me at first and tried to keep it only in my close relatives so two weeks later every body knows of what they did to me and why i was so upset im over here trying to keep it reserve and my mother went all out telling the whole family, neighbors ,and god knows who else but i didnt say anything just learn from now on to not tell her everything that will keep me stress free ..good luck ladies and god bless