Emotions

I have been wondering about this.

Tonight I realized that I haven't shown anything in the way of emotions. No fear, no tears, nothing. I know that part of it is the way I was raised, the whole 'we don't show feelings' thing.

Tonight I was talking with my b/f and I stated out loud to him that I didn't see the point in crying because it wouldn't change anything. That my body for some reason didn't want to have a baby and therefore I m/c'd twice. I went through the mourning process with those.

Then I find out this past October that I have a fibroid, go through all of that, with ultrasound, cytoscopy, and now hysterectomy.

I found myself getting mysti eyed. I then spoke to my g/f and she said that what I have gone through is very emotional and that it is important to grieve and feel my feelings. No, it won't change anything but that crying is a way to release the stress of everything that has gone on.

Is it possible I just haven't invested much in the way of what I have gone through? I mean, I just saw it as something I didn't have a say in, other than the date of the surgery and then after that and signing some papers and I was on the table, and well now I am at home.

I remember for a while crying and my b/f coming up and assuring me that if I needed a safe place to feel my emotions that he was there for me.

I know I don't like talking about my m/c's because I don't like talking about my emotions at all. I have noticed through therapy that I will avoid my feelings. Its a protective shield I have put in place over the years.

Will I go through more ups and downs?

I don't know if you will go through ups and downs, but I haven't been emotional either. This surgery was necessary to my survival. I was bleeding out and in pain every day. I was severely anemic and chasing being worse by taking massive iron pills.

My uterus made me sick. My uterus was 1650 grams! Or, 17 times the size of a normal uterus.

I never wanted children and am close enough to natural menopause to not fear it.

Overall, I feel relieved. The pain of the surgery is less than the pain of the huge uterus. Everything else seems just manageable.

There is no requirement to grieve if you don't want to. Just feel what you feel. If I feel grief later on, I'll feel that. Now, I just feel relieved.

I'm with Sassine, except I was flat out excited when I had my surgery. I was 48, starting through natural menopause, & didn't have any intentions of having kids.

Since every patient is different, there are very few "normal" reactions.

I am relieved that I don't have pain in my stomach anymore, that I am not literally bent in half trying to relieve that uncomfortable fullness and pressure.

I guess it is just one of those things I keep hearing about.

Most people tent to share the negatives, instead of the positives. If you have 6 people with complications & 6 with easy recoveries, you will hear from 5 with complications & 2 or 3 with easy recoveries.

That is true about the stories. I know it is challenging to want to write the positives when in the early days all you have is the pain and discomfort and that it does overshadow the positives.

I think there is no wrong way to deal with going through a hysterectomy, just as there is no wrong way to grieve. When I first found out that I had to have a hysterectomy, I cried and went through mourning the loss of my fertility, but since that day, I have not shed a single tear. I am now 4 days post op and don't have any regrets.

You'll work through your feelings on your own time and on your own terms. And we'll be here if you need us along the way.