frustrated not enough support postop

I had my tah/bso, with an exploratory laparotomy done on 8-15-05. I came home on the 17th, and for about the first week my boyfriend was very helpful. My doctor says no lifting more than a gallon of milk for six weeks. I am a nurse, so he won't let me go back to work for 6 weeks. But, I started going back to college the week after I had my surgery. I have classes Monday through Thursday. I am taking 14 credits. Now that my boyfriend sees that I am moving around better, it's like he thinks he doesn't have to help as much. Today, I was on my feet all day around the house. I got up at 7:30am, while he slept until 10am. I washed and dried laundry, bathed our 25lb boxer puppy, walked the puppy, cooked supper, washed dishes. Finally, after dinner, I said I was not cleaning the dishes from supper. He got up and cleaned the kitchen and then went to bed without even a kiss goodnight. I could just scream. I do deserve to be pampered right now. Please Help, how should I handle this?

You need to explain to your boyfriend that although you are moving around and starting to feel like doing a few things that you are far from healed. It sounds like you are also doing a lot for someone so early in their recovery. By no means should you be bathing the 25lb puppy!!!! You need to take it easy and if you are going to school then that's all you should be doing. Do you have any information from the hospital for your boyfriend to read? Has he been to any of your doctor's appts with you? My DH has been with me to every appt and he sometimes understands better than I do I think. He has been a gem and knows that the road to recovery is a long one and he understands. I wish you luck and please take it easy, you only get the chance to heal properly once.

Hi program,
My husband did the same thing. The first thing I chose to try to do is the dishes. When he saw me do that the party was over! All pampering stopped. I guess the only thing I can think of to handle the situdation is to keep him informed on how you feel and don't sugar coat it. Tell him like it is and tell him that even though it may look like you don't need help you could still use it.
I hope that works, let me know and I will try it out on my dh
Debbie

I don't really think guys get it...my surgery is scheduled for Tuesday...my entire family knows that I will NOT do a thing for 2 months!! I have read enough on this site to know..that overdoing it will cause "swelly belly" and set backs...You need to explain to your BF that you have overdone it...that you have over 100stitches inside..and the healing of that is nothing like the surface stitches/staples...or you need to refer him to this website...and that will set him straight!!! Honestly..it's killing me that I won't be able to do things..I know it will drive me crazy...but there is no way...I'll go through this again..and I haven't even had the surgery yet!!!
You need to make choices...do you want to end up back in the hospital...longer restrictions..or play by the rules?? Seriously...you only get ONE chance to heal..why compromise that?
Hugs...All Canadian

My DH has been pretty wonderful. I felt really good yesterday (day 2 home from the hospital) and was able to walk halfway down the block. I probably overdid it, so I was paying for it today. On our walk today, DH said "turning around already? You walked further than this yesterday." But he was really understanding when I crashed on the couch for pretty much the rest of the day. I guess our sig Os just need to understand we'll have good days and bad days. And we need to understand most of them want us to feel better almost as much as we want to feel better.

My mom was with us until I could drive (2 weeks) then she went to visit my brothers. I was unsure of how well my DN & DS would take care of me after she left. I did a strategic cut and paste of worst case scenarios of things that I found here in the articles & post op check points and gave it to them to read. It worked like a charm. Once they saw that I could end up back in the hospital for doing too much too soon, they took me seriously about my limitations. I am almost 6 weeks and am feeling great. My DH is still yelling at me if he thinks that I am doing too much. DH even has BIL (neighbor) sucked into his world of worry. Even tho I feel good enough to do certain things, I know that BIL will tattle on me if I over do it. It's nice to know that I have 3 strong men to do all my heavy lifting and dirty work

I hear your frustration and I understand!

Once you start walking fairly normally, you don't "look" sick (as in having a cast on your leg). And of course we don't want to be a burden, so we want to try and do stuff, even though it's not wise to do so. How, then, can we strike a happy medium?

(((Program))), I must say that I couldn't do what you are doing until well after my six-week checkup. I apologize in advance if this sounds like scolding, but if you've read the Checkpoints and here at HS and read the pre-op and post-op boards, you know that giving a 25-pound dog a bath is a -- even if you didn't lift it. Too much bending and reaching. And as for laundry -- even if you moved the clothing around one sock at a time, the twisting, bending and stretching required is very tough on your abdominals.

This must be so hard for you. I don't know what your guy is like, but mine doesn't respond well when I "demand" to be taken care of. And frankly, I don't like it when anyone demands that of me, either -- I end up resenting it. This is what I would do if I were you -- I'd just stop doing what you shouldn't be doing. If he mentions it, just say, very simply and without anger, something like, "I just don't feel well enough to do that yet. Either you'll have to do it or we'll have to find someone else to do it if it really needs to get done."

Another (((sister))) posted recently that our recovery is something like wet cement. It looks good, and the outer surface may be dry fairly soon -- but if you step in it too soon, you will do lots of damage and you may end up laying the cement all over again. Please take care of yourself. If your fellow won't pamper you -- pamper yourself!

I hope things go OK for you.

mjd2491,

I just had to respond to your description of the wet cement. I thought it was an awesome way to describe how we are all healing. It's so true that things look good on the outside so everyone just assumes all is well on the inside. I have found that most people now assume I am all healed and should be able to go back to regular routine. I am almost 7 weeks post op and woke up this morning with a real tender tummy due to a very busy weekend. So, today will be a day of rest and putting my feet up. Just had to say thanks for the "cement analogy" it was great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think we should tell all of our darling men that the more we do, the longer it will be until the playground re-opens. My DH says the playground is closed for remodel but construction has been delayed. (Due to several complications) My doctor chose to share with him that the more I overdid it........the longer the playground would remain closed. We all know men think with more than one head. If you can't get one to listen..................try the other. lol It definitely worked for me. I am allowed to REST REST REST.