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Up, Down and All Over The Place
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10-02-2003, 08:11 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 372
Hysterectomy: October 9th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH/SAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Just need a moment and a little space here to freak out!!! What in the world is up with my head? I am 7 days away from the castle and becoming wackier by the minute!!! I'm excited, then terrified. I'm a ball of frenetic activity, then I'm staring off into space with tears in my eyes. I hate feeling like this!!!!
One moment I can't wait for the big day and feel strong and confident. The next moment I am full of what-if's and so frightened that I start to cry.
Right now I am in no pain at all which makes the pain seem so much more intense when it hits and makes it hard for others to comprehend what I go through. When they see me out and about I'm upbeat and peppy and cheerful...but they don't see me when the pain hits. When I'm not in pain I think maybe I'm just being a wuss (so many others here have been through so many more procedures first) and maybe I'm not doing the right thing here even though I know I have fibroids and that my quality of life and sanity are sliping every month. Then next week (starting like clockwork this Saturday night) I will get hit by a blast of pain that will leave me unable to eat or sleep and crumpled on the couch requiring nothing less than Percoset to slow it down for 10 days straight. I'll know then, once again that I HAVE to go through with this. This kind of waffley thinking is giving me mental whiplash!!!
I'm having nightmares that are too wierd to recount here (the latest, and least strange, being that they turn me away as I am checking in because I don't have $1,000 cash up front) and find it hard to concentrate when I am awake. I don't want to admit how frightened I am as I hate for anyone to worry or fuss over me (I tend to crack jokes or blow off uncomfortable and frightening situations for this reason) but in this case actually I want people to be concerned and make a fuss as this is a big deal. I swear I am going over the edge.
I worry that I won't recover in a reasonable amount of time and my DH will grow tired of my inabilities. I worry that I will swell up like a beach ball. I worry that my job won't be there when I am cleared to work again (I am a sub-contractor) I worry and worry and worry about the bills. Perhaps some of this rant has been brought on my my having just quit smoking. I just needed to get it out...because if I let all of this go in DH's lap I might drag him into my panic with me!!
Thank you everyone for allowing me to blather on in such an unorganized manner here.
Kim
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10-02-2003, 08:25 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 14
Hysterectomy: October 10th, 2003
Surgery Type: TLH
Ovaries: Undecided
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I'm there!
Dear Kim: You said exactly how I have been feeling. My surgery is scheduled for 10/10. I have no choice in this - I have to have it done. But, when I'm not in pain, I wonder if I'm just being a wuss. However, when the pain is there I just want it done NOW! I worry about the emotional changes that will be brought on by the hyst. I worry that my job (I've only been there three months) will be gone by the time I've recovered or they won't be able to deal with my emotional ups and downs. While they say I have nothing to worry about and have even referred me to one of the experts we use for therapy, I can't help worrying about it. I worry that my husband will go bonkers having to deal with the emotional stuff also. Also, he has been without "you know what" for so long because of my pain (about two months without now), that I'm afraid he'll, well, you know. You'd have to know my husband to know that cows would fly before he'd do this but, nonetheless, my insecurity is there. I am very scared about losing what energy I have so that I too would balloon up, gain weight and not be able to lose it again. It's so scary. I have a history of depression and am afraid of what the emotional ups and downs will do to me. I am very scared and wish someone could alleviate it. I guess I need to find the strength in me - I can live in fear or just know that this has to be done and deal with the outcome of the surgery.
Thanks for listening. Email me if you want as it always helps to talk. This bulleting board is great - I'm so glad I found it.
Sabrina
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10-02-2003, 08:26 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 83
Hysterectomy: October 20th, 2003
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Kim, I didn't find your post unorganized at all. Could it be that both of our minds have short-circuited just alike? How cool is that!?! I feel exactly what you are describing and if I hadn't found this site, I would have truly thought I was going over the edge, but seeing all of the posts here, reminds me that fears, confusion, depression, and restless energy are all just part of the process. My DH deals with stuff by ignoring it, so he's been no help at all. And just how much can I obsess to my friend and Mom? So I'm always happy to see posts from you, you remind me of me, and if that makes us nuts, well, at least we have company. Now after you are a princess, I expect to see you on here cheering me on, and hopefully giving me hope!! Hang in there! Sandy
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10-02-2003, 08:29 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 503
Hysterectomy: October 13th, 2003
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Awww Kim,
First, and you know this but maybe it helps to hear it, You are not crazy. I should know....I'm a psych nurse. Who's the crazy one????
Second, With your boundless energy you will, WILL heal just fine and bounce back faster than you believe possible. You're the only one doubting your abilities here, honey.
Third, with what your honey has already been through the man is a saint and should be cannonized....however the Pope isn't answering my e-mails so it'll just have to be between all us sisters.
Hang in there Goofy, You can do this!!!
s s
Dilu
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10-02-2003, 08:30 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 149
Hysterectomy: August 29th, 2003
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Kim~
All those feelings are SO normal...isn't it strange? But I've seen you on the boards often, and know you will do just fine!!
Soon, you'll be your pain free life....I don't regret my surgery one bit, and at almost 5 weeks post-op, feel better than I have in years!!
I will continue to keep you and the other LIW in my thoughts!!
Good thoughts your way,
Carol
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10-02-2003, 08:31 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 6
Hysterectomy: June 4th, 2002
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Dear Kim,
First of all everything you are feeling is totally normal and you are right This surgery is a very big deal! I haven't been to this site in awhile but reading your post today took me right back to where I was last year , I had TAH/BSO last june due to the kind of pain you described in your post , I think it is one of those times in your life that if someone has not dealt with it , they just don't quite understand and I found after my surgery that women who have had it done are alot more understanding and supportive than those who haven't ,something to watch for as you go through this - as for your DH lean on him that what he his there for the good and the bad.
It's natural to worry about bills , but you need to relax as well.
And strange dreams are normal as well.
I hope I helped a little bit and good luck with everything and before you know it ,you will be looking back at everything from where I sit.
Bobbi
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10-02-2003, 08:32 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 486
Hysterectomy: May 15th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
You ALL sound like LIW! LOL. Am not laughing at you all, but rest ASSURED it is an absolutely NORMAL place for your heads to be at this point in the waiting "game".
It is fun to go back, once your surgery is done, and you are two or three weeks PAST all of it and READ your own "I'm going out of my mind, aren't I" threads.
I think nearly EVERY sister here has at least one thread like that during our close to pre-op time frame, don't we ladies????
YOU ARE ALL NORMAL....for LIW...and the stress it creates in our lives.
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10-02-2003, 08:55 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 372
Hysterectomy: October 9th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH/SAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Oh goodness...we are an army of nutty women!!!!! So it's not just me? Whew!! I am sitting here chewing on my Nicotrol inhaler (and a piece of gum) looking like some demented Popeye wannabe. I know that, as of this coming Monday, I'll be willing to have the procedure done on the counter of the local diner with an oyster fork. But right now, seeing me as my usually spastic and nutty self, no one would believe that that kind of pain can just drop in suddenly and bring my life to a screeching halt. I keep chanting "I'm not crazy, the HS girls say I'm not crazy!!". It's just silly but I am stressing over EVERYTHING, and then I'm stressing about stressing! Trying to save my Xanax for next week when I'm guessing I may completely come apart at the seams. Although then I will be on Percoset and will be only semi-conscious anyway. Is anyone else stressing about packing too much...or afraid they packed too little? Eek, eek, eek!!!I'm turning into a compulsive list maker...but then I misplace the lists because I am such a spaz and have to start all over!! The unknown just drives me insane!!!!! My poor DH is worried sick but trying to hide it. I want to make him feel better but it's hard to do when I'm quite obviously frightened to pieces myself! Blah!!! Blah I say!!
OK...getting a grip here! I am going to make my goal to make it until Saturday when I am going to an all day beach party and then over to hang out in a friend's jacuzzi. I will watch the sun rise!!! I will frollick in the waves, play frisbee, dance around like a fool, sing at the top of my lungs and make a sand castle. I will walk in the breakers collecting shells and looking for beach glass. I am not going to let this beat me. I will cry when I need to so I don't explode. Does that sound like a good plan?
Kim
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10-02-2003, 09:18 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 99
Hysterectomy: November 12th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH/SAH
Ovaries: Undecided
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
That's the perfect plan! You are my inspiration! I only hope I can be as together (!) as you when my date get here!
Hang in there, Baby!
-Pam
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10-02-2003, 09:24 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 372
Hysterectomy: October 9th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH/SAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Up, Down and All Over The Place
Hee hee...on the surface I'm a rock...deep down I'm pudding...and it keeps peeking through!! I'm so happy I can inspire someone with my manic self-cheerleading. I just have to keep saying "I think I can I think I can I think I can!" Without ya'll I would be a puddle...really!!!
BIG HUGS!
Kim
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