My teen daughters are freaking out..help!

Hi all. Need some advice..

I have 2 teen daughters..and have been straight with them from the start about what's going on with me..but as my date comes closer, they are acting more and more strange. The younger of the 2 is becoming more clingy..and the older is becoming totally rebellious and keeps asking if I'm not telling her something.

A friend suggested that maybe they're scared and just not admitting it b/c they want to "be tough"..which is a good point so I was thinking of writing them a letter that they could refer to often that will explain what is going on, what will happen, etc..

It's not an easy time, really...they see me in pain and crying no matter how much I try to hide it..and they get scared..it's hard when the one who "rules the house" suddenly is falling apart.

Any suggestions?? I want to make this easier for them.

Thanks..

Hi Deanie 68,

Breathe. How old are your daughters? Have you had surgery before? Even if your older daughter is becoming rebellious, she is still coming back to you to ask you questions.

I think we forget that teens are trying to figure out who they are, and when someone important to them (YOU!) isn't there 100% to support them, they get out of whack. They could be thinking about their own futures and whether they'll need surgery, have kids, they could think that having kids could have caused your need for surgery, etc.

I have four kids (11 - 18), and they are barometers for how I'm doing. If I'm not well, neither are they. Can you talk to them? Find out what's really bothering them, and then together find resources that address their needs?

Also, are you raising your kids on your own? You didn't mention if there's someone else in the picture and how that person's presence or absence might relate to how your kids are doing.

Sorry, I feel like I answered your post with more questions than answers, but maybe your answers might shed some light on your predicament.

Big hugs to you!!!

It's hard. I have a 4.5 year old and a 16 year old both boys and yes they coped well my youngest got upset when he realised that his nanny was looking after me for 3 weeks but the worst one in not coping was my 42 year old male partner of 25 years. He kept asking if I really needed the op. Would tablets not work mind you he won't talk womans bits. But as for your daughters they are scared and worried about there mum. Also there are so many medical tv programmes and Internet there probably getting a unreal version too. Or they are talking to friends at school ect. They need to realise you will be fine and going home after your op. And they need to help you. And no your not hiding anything from them. Your oldest may be scared your having this op cause of cancer ect. If you know what I mean. When I tell people I have had a hyster their first reaction is have you got cancer. Are you ok

It's entirely possible that they are worried about you. I'm sure in the back of their mind is the possibility that you may not come home from the hospital, no matter how unrealistic that is. Irrational fears can cause anyone to behave irrationally. Try to help them focus on the positive, on how much better you will feel after the surgery. I know my college age daughter was worried about me, and I think it helped her to know that I was counting on her help at home (she was on Christmas break) during my recovery.

I have spoken with them; the youngest (14) is very sensitive and feels helpless..but I've told her that even though there is nothing she can do about the situation now, that she can help by doing extra chores around the house after.
The older one (17) is getting ready to graduate from HS; and has asked me a couple of times if I'm dying. I'm not but I think that is her fear and she feels I'm hiding something from her (I'm not).
I do have a DH, he's struggling with it..but over the past few days is realizing how my health is affecting me..and in turn, affecting the kids..and it's seems to be pulling us closer together. He also suggested that maybe the oldest has been hearing things from TV or school friends that are on the back of her mind.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts..I guess the best thing to do is to just sit down as a family together and talk about everything.

Deanie,
My heart goes out to you and your kids. It sounds like your older daughter really is afraid that she is going to lose you. Constant assurance might really help both of them. It might be a radical idea, but could your kids come with you to your preop appointment or to a doc appointment where the doc could reassure them? Or are there some resources on this site that might help? Do they respond to facts, so you can show them how safe the surgery is?

I'm having a different procedure (LSH), but my doc says that 80% of her patients go home the same day. Are you supposed to be spending the night at the hospital, or are they planning it to be outpatient?

I saw that there's an article about families and hysterectomy on the site. They recommended the following book: "Let's Talk About When Someone You Love Is in the Hospital" by Marianne Johnston

Wouldn't it be cool if hystersisters had a forum where kids could talk about what's going on with them?

Do you have a trusted friend who's been through it? Maybe she can sit with the girls & let them see how much better she is doing. Sometimes, the kids get their information from friends who don't know the whole story about something bad that happened. Possibly one friend had a relative that died from something totally not connected to the surgery, but doesn't realize the two weren't connected.

There is a tab at the top of this page for support. Get hubby to go there to the men's forum to talk with other guys who have the same questions he does. Maybe he can find answers to some of those questions.

I have 4 daughters (25, 22, 15, 12) and they are all struggling to varying degrees. For them, there is the fear of losing me (I'm a single mom), but I've also learned that a lot of the undercurrent is fear that their own bodies are going to turn on them like mine did. Especially my younger 2 who are just at the beginning of their menstrual journey, it's very frightening.

I have found that lots and lots of open communication and explaining that each person is unique and not doomed to the same fate seems to help some. I also plan to write letters to mine with love and words of wisdom so they can have something to hold onto until I'm clear of the woods.