Anxiety

Hi everyone.
It is just under 3 weeks until my TAH and bowel resection and every time I think about it (even obscurely like something happening at work around that time) I get a hit of anxiety.
Had an argument last night because my partner is a very logic, mathematical, robotic thinker, and he thinks I am willingly torturing myself and making myself anxious about it. He says "I've read some of the forums and it seems that there are women who don't cope, and then there are some that say it is brilliant and the best thing they've ever done. Why can't you be like that?"
I'm not saying that I won't think it's the best thing I've ever done, but the only way I can explain this anxiety is that, after having breast cancer surgery, chemo and radiation and tests etc last year, I am simply just naturally anxious about all things medical. He does not get that.
Please, can anyone suggest a way to explain it to this cyborg of a man? I really need support in the lead up to this, and the person who spends the most time with me refuses to acknowledge it until it has happened! And when I tell him I need support, he says "What do you want me to do? There's nothing I can do. Do you want me to say 'you poor baby?' because I'm not going to say that."
I feel so alone.

I am sorry that he isn't as supportive as you need. That is why this website is so fantastic. He may not get it and maybe he might once it happens. I have one sister that gets it more than another sister (these are women). They don't think I should have gotten my surgery because they had blood clots and pain and can't I just get through it. So a long story short I don't go to them for support. I go to people who have been through it or are concerned about me. It uses up less energy! Good luck. Talk to your doctor about the anxiety and they might be able to prescibe something helpful.

Your anxiety is normal and yours to feel!! Embrace it but don't let it consume you..... When you start to panic, think ok, yes it's ok to be nervous, it's a big op but surgeons are well trained and perform this surgery routinely, yes I will feel pain but I will be given pain relief and will cope, and yes it will take some time to recover but when I'm tired I will rest and when I hurt I will take a pain pill. Everything your feeling is ok, as for hubby, maybe just accept that your not going to get the type of support YOU need but it doesn't mean he doesn't care or love you, you know he is just a different thinker to you (it's probably what attracted you to him in the first place??) I'm sure with him being so logical he will "assist" when required, helping you up after surgery, cooking for you, cleaning, bringing pain relief and water etc. if your anxiety becomes unmanageable you could speak to your GP perhaps about some short term anti anxiety medication?!? Please don't feel like your not normal, everyone is different and that's what makes the world such an interesting place!! If you want a different type of support then hubby is offering then come on here, we will always be there for you!! Maybe a good friend or family will help too!! You can go this, not long and you get to live a new pain free, wonderful life but it IS scary leading up to this life changing surgery and a little bit of fear and anxiety is healthy!!! Hugs and much love to you!!! xx

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Originally Posted by JoeyRingo ...Had an argument last night because my partner is a very logic, mathematical, robotic thinker, and he thinks I am willingly torturing myself and making myself anxious about it. He says "I've read some of the forums and it seems that there are women who don't cope, and then there are some that say it is brilliant and the best thing they've ever done. Why can't you be like that?" I'm not saying that I won't think it's the best thing I've ever done, but the only way I can explain this anxiety is that, after having breast cancer surgery, chemo and radiation and tests etc last year, I am simply just naturally anxious about all things medical. He does not get that. Please, can anyone suggest a way to explain it to this cyborg of a man? I really need support in the lead up to this, and the person who spends the most time with me refuses to acknowledge it until it has happened! And when I tell him I need support, he says "What do you want me to do? There's nothing I can do. Do you want me to say 'you poor baby?' because I'm not going to say that." I feel so alone.

Why can't you be like that? Because your brain is not wired to deal with things in an emotionless way and your past experiences have programmed you to react with anxiety to all things medical. Try *that* explanation on Mr. Cyborg! Maybe that's language he'll understand.

The question, what do you want him to do?, is a bit trickier. *He's* obviously not wired for an intuitive understanding of how to express support. You're telling him you need support, he runs a search in his database and comes up with 0 results.

1) You're going to have to find other sources for intuitive emotional support. This guy can not provide it. His brain's not wired that way.

2) He *can* provide practical support. Can you sort down through your general anxiety and pick out practical things that you're worried about?

I know for myself, when I was heading into surgery, I had so many friends call and say to let them know what they could do to help that I was rather overwhelmed! I found it easier to break things down into small pieces and ask each friend about a piece that I felt they were suited for. I asked a friend who lived near the hospital if she would drive me home. I asked a friend who lived in the same building as me if she would look after my cats. I asked a friend who'd had chemo for lung cancer (and who's doing great two year laters) to fill me in on the nitty-gritty details of what that was like so that I wouldn't be imagining worse.

If you can break things down a bit and ask Mr. Cyborg for help on specific, practical points, you may actually be able to get some help out of him. He's just not wired for intuitive emotional support.

My husband had the same thought: why worry until it happens. I, however, am not wired that way and want to be prepared for anything. Both views are unreasonable but normal. I kept myself busy by readying my house (deep cleaning), doing bill pay with advance dates, getting my comfy clothes washed and put out in easy reach, etc. Anything to make my time at home easier on me as I am type A and never sit still.
Thankfully my hubby has been wonderfully amazing during my recovery. Done everything without me asking and reminding me to be careful and taking me for walks and drives in the first couple of weeks.
I think he was being stoic because of his concern for me.
I hope it turns out the same for you. Best wishes for an uneventful recovery.

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Originally Posted by JoeyRingo Hi everyone. It is just under 3 weeks until my TAH and bowel resection and every time I think about it (even obscurely like something happening at work around that time) I get a hit of anxiety. Had an argument last night because my partner is a very logic, mathematical, robotic thinker, and he thinks I am willingly torturing myself and making myself anxious about it. He says "I've read some of the forums and it seems that there are women who don't cope, and then there are some that say it is brilliant and the best thing they've ever done. Why can't you be like that?" I'm not saying that I won't think it's the best thing I've ever done, but the only way I can explain this anxiety is that, after having breast cancer surgery, chemo and radiation and tests etc last year, I am simply just naturally anxious about all things medical. He does not get that. Please, can anyone suggest a way to explain it to this cyborg of a man? I really need support in the lead up to this, and the person who spends the most time with me refuses to acknowledge it until it has happened! And when I tell him I need support, he says "What do you want me to do? There's nothing I can do. Do you want me to say 'you poor baby?' because I'm not going to say that." I feel so alone.

You are not alone. I was very anxious for awhile before my surgery too. I am a nurse and fully realize the risks and complications involved in surgery, that increased my anxiety. Given your history and experiences, it seems you too realize the risks involved. So, kudos to you, some people don't get it. There is no such thing as a routine surgery! Turn on the tv, there is a 13 year old brain dead after a tonsillectomy. So, you can show that to your partner. Fear and anxiety are justified and normal, if you don't experience it, I would be worried that a person just doesn't get it.
I worried about being that 1 percent who had significant complications or died. Now, I'm gonna show my female cyborg side of myself and how I logically and mathematically tamed the anxiety beast. I had a discussion with my surgeon and the office manager. How many of these procedures do you perform? What is your rate of infection? What is your rate of readmission? What are your most frequent complications?
Next, I looked up my hospital. Same thing, I reviewed their surveys. After that, I made certain I had an advocate someone who would stay at the hospital until the anesthesia wore off and I was able to comprehend and convey my needs and ensure my safety.
When that was done, I just readied my home for my recovery. Took time to spend with friends and family. And wrapped up loose ends at work. After I made sure that I understood everything and took as many steps as I could to ensure safety on my side and to make sure that I chose the right surgeon and hospital, I was really able to relax. Things went well. I was only in the hospital overnight. Mentally and emotionally I soooo wanted this surgery. Your guy is right, some women here have difficulty coping. Some have valid reasons for that and some folks are just never gonna be happy and everything is gonna be a drama. Surprised in NB had great advice. Sorry so long, just thought I would share, maybe this will help both of you. Best of luck yo you for a successful uncomplicated surgery and recovery!

I understand being wired to be nervous about anything medical. My surgery is on Friday and I am hyper anxious. Mostly about the before. I can't even get past the before stuff to process the during and after. New Years Eve? What New Years Eve? I am in no mood to party. I recently remembered that when I was a kid, my mom wouldn't tell me about upcoming doctor's appointments. She would just show up at school to pick me up early and take me there. I'd be furious at her at the time, but she saved me from worrying about it. So I've always been this way.

I've never needed anything before, but the doctor gave me an Ativan Rx for now. It's been helping. Don't be shy to ask for help if you need it. And tell them how scared you are. So what if they think you're a nut? They probably don't. But so what if they do?

Introduce your husband to our Mr. Hystersisters website for partners and caregivers. It may help.

Wow thank you all so much. This is all such great advice! We had another ding dong argument about it last night, and he truly does not get it. I had to explain how, during my run in with breast cancer, the girls in my support group showed their emotional support. It was simply by being gentle, saying "You're doing great honey" and just giving words of encouragement. He still doesn't get it, but he accepts that this is the kind of support I need right now. Not someone trying diversionary tactics with me, or saying we will deal with it when it happens, but allowing me to move through the process at my own rate. He said anxiety is a bad, negative thing. I said it isn't if it is managed right, that nerves are normal, and that my anxiety isn't all-encompassing. It is what it is, and during those times of anxiety, I just need some reassurance that life goes on and to remind me that I am strong, and even in moments of vulnerability, he will be strong for me. 18 days to go...