he's leaving after surgery

i am devastated. i am posting here so that maybe other women who may go through the same thing might not feel alone....

my husband just informed me that after my surgery he is going to leave me. he thinks it is "honorable" to stick it out until then, then he is going to do everything possible to leave me on my own.

in his words he is sick of dealing with me being sick all the time. 4 years of on and off serious illnesses and he no longer wants to put up with it. he is tired of me being "unhappy" and doesn't want to do it anymore

this would have "gotten over with" a whole lot faster if i had his support and support of family which i do not. a lot of issues like lack of a car for me to go to dr appointments and money have also gone in to this delay

he doesn't try to help me when i am sick and if he dose he acts over burdened to the point where it is less humiliating to do things myself and force through.

he doesn't understand that kind words and cuddling would have helped a whole lot more then just the snide comments of "here we go again" or "add another illness to the table"

this whole sickness has been scary and humiliating for me and to have NO ONE to turn to or talk to or who cares or understands is beyond lonely

he thinks i am unhappy all the time and he may be right, to be scared and hurting and lonely all the time is rough. and to deal with his selfishness and his feelings of resentment towards me for being sick, well, i can't deal with them too

dealing with a chronic illness especially one involving female parts, the stress of always feeling like i am not good enough and that he is going to leave me for another woman who isn't "defective" is undeniable. and intense comments of him wanting other girls over the years doesn't make easier to feel wanted, safe and happy.

his selfishness is heartbreaking and he holds me accountable. i am tired of asking him and doing for him wanting differently and hoping and wishing and praying... there is nothing more i can do because i have done and done and done and he just will not receive it. 12 years together and just like that its done.

i will get through this surgery by myself with the grace of god holding my hand and i won't be a second thought to him ever again. and i think i might be better off.

hug your supportive husbands or wives or family members, don't take them for granted sister! much love to you all.

kalieyes, I'm so sorry to read of your horrible situation. Please know you're sure to have loads of support here. I know that won't remove the pain you're going through, but I do hope it helps. I went through a divorce after 15 yrs and it's never an easy thing. You may not realize it now, but hopefully you will: a man who is that selfish isn't healthy for you and after this surgery, which hopefully will end lots of health problems, you don't need a negative person in your life. I'm sad he isn't more understanding and compassionate, yet maybe this will end up being a blessing for you - better health, feeling good, being the best you that you can be! You can move forward knowing you will have a much better life in so many ways! I hope you will reach out to a friend or family to be with you post-op. He sounds very difficult (that's putting it nicely) and I'd be telling him to not wait, to leave asap. Seems he just wants to look good to others by not leaving. How frustrating for you. :-( Please know I'm sending you a big and hope you stay strong through this transition. May your surgery go well and a very speedy and healthy recovery to you. I, too, think you'll be better off.

Your husband has forgotten the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. My guess is he would expect you to be there if he were ill, but is too selfish to be the support you need. This is heartbreaking to be sure! You will have to find support through us and any family and neighbors you can find. Your husband is looking for an excuse to not deal with hard times and you cannot change that - let him go before the surgery. Do NOT let him have the satisfaction of telling his friends that he stood by you for the surgery - toss him out on his ear NOW.

I completely agree with anwalt and taureanne. I am at a complete loss for words about a husband who is so selfish. We all know that our husbands are pains but to have one that would actually leave because he can't deal with it anymore. What about you? You have no choice in what is happening to you but he has the choice to stand beside you no matter what. If how he feels is that he wants to leave then he should just leave now. There is no reason he should be allowed to feel better about what he is doing by telling himself he stayed to support you through the surgery. You deserve far better than this. I am so sorry for what you are going through but we will be here to support you no matter what!

I'm so very sorry for you. I've asked the Lord to come alongside you during this time.

I'll be totally honest here, and it will help, I promise. He doesn't love you like a life partner would/should. Someone who loves you does not have those feelings, does not have those annoyances, those feelings of burden. Yes, life does feel burdensome sometimes, but the man who is FOR YOU; feels devotion, love, helplessness at your pain and suffering. You have been wasting your energy on a person who is not the right one for you. You have stuck it out because you believe in love; and commitment; and devotion. There is nothing wrong with that.... But... you cannot make someone be the things you want them to be. You will be STRONGER, believe me. It will be a massive relief to have him out of your life and depend on the person who loves and cares and knows you the BEST...........YOU

My heart goes out to you sweetheart and you so deserve to experience good health and happiness. It is very difficult to go through what you have been going through and especially with no support and guilt thrown upon you.

You are worth so much more. I pray for the strength to get you through and ensure you only focus on you and your recovery because you have some real living to do once this is all over. Big hugs xx

Oh kalieyes - I can't say much more than the other ladies have, but know that I am praying for peace, strength, comfort and good health for you. Big hugs!!!!! Keep coming here for love and support - we will help you through this awful time with love and understanding (maybe HE is the biggest illness on your table!!!!).

Do NOT let him have the satisfaction of telling his friends that he stood by you for the surgery - toss him out on his ear NOW.[/quote]
My sentiments exactly, not you are defective, HE IS!

I had been looking for specialist for 2 years, mean while trying all kinds of holistic treatments. My condition kept worsening. My mood became increasing worse. I was nasty and men to everyone around me. I finally found a specialist and scheduled surgery Dec 19. I didn't make that date. Oct.26, had 4 blood transfusions and emergency surgery on Oct 31. 2012. My husband stuck by me the entire time. Never left me alone at the hospital. I came out of the surgery a different person. The person he married 26 years before. You see, low blood flow to my brain was to blame. The massive fibroid had taken 2/3 of my blood supply. I was hour away from death if I dd not get the tansfusion.

To make a long story short, we were driving in the car about a week ago and I said I felt like a new person emotionally. He said to me, you are. You are the girl I married. He also told me that he had plans to leave me and even planned it out when I was able to take care of myself. He told me, he is very happy now and is looking forward to all the things we can do together one I am healed. I told him that i know relize how awful I had been and would not have blamed him for leaving me. Heck, I wanted to leave me!! My surgery turned everything around and we are finding ourselves talking more, spending more time together and re connecting. Sex is not part of the routine yet since I will not be cleared for a while. My point is, a lot of my DH was with my attitude and not being there for him at all. I was consumed with my health and didn't care about anyone around me. That has all changed. I feel that by talking it out we are on the same page. We are both looking forward to when we can look at this in the rear view mirror. There may still be hope for you.