TAH: Upset ( child reference)

T bear : God has got me this far he isn't going to leave me now! It's all in his control I know this. I feel so alone with this because every one I know has kids no one understands the NEVER aspect of it. Or they have one or two and had to have a hysterectomy and think they can relate and it makes me mad because they don't know they have felt the life growing inside them they have held their own child. And I never will. God did bless me with caring for my brother and I guess that has helped, But...

untill Wednesday I can still dream of holding my own.

I will never and could never have my own. The doctor said it was a one in a five million shot of me ever getting pregnant and if I did, the chances of me, the baby, or both of us dying was severely high. He also said the chances of me having a normal healthy baby was very low. After this last episode where a tumor in my uterus made my body go into labor (that was a new experience I never care to have AGAIN. As I was in hard labor cause the tumor wasn't coming out, doctor said if I would have stayed in labor like that much longer my heart would have given out it was that bad), the doctor said I probably never would have carried to full term, six months at best. So it's for the best I never had children. Sometimes things happen for a reason. This is my reason. But I've known since I was little that I would never have children, so I distanced myself from babies, never wanted to hold them, never wanted to be around them, because deep down I just knew that would never be for me. There was talk of freezing my eggs but I'm glad I didn't. I would have just passed on so much health concerns etc to my child, as having your uterus removed seems to be a family history thing on both my parents side, so yipee there. But it is what it is and what's done will be done. Things happen for a reason, I was never meant to have children because my child would not have been ok or both of us would not have been ok. That or I would have suffered so many losses that my marriage or relationship would have suffered and the blame would have been put on me, which at the rate my body is, the blame easily could be placed on me for not being able to carry a baby. Those are just some things to think about though. I know it's hard as I get asked so when do you plan on having a baby? Heck my boyfriend's mom even asked us when we were going to have a child after we get married. I was like O.o really? He didn't tell you? Then she did the well you could adopt and I was like no, I don't want children. I know you may want to be a grandmother, but I'm sorry, I don't want children. Now at least she knows this is the final step, that there for sure will not be grandchildren so she can stop asking.

I think everyone around me is pregnant right now which makes it very hard for me. One of my co workers, a friend of mine plus my niece that I am very close with just found out she is pregnant. I don't know if it is a test from God to make me stronger. I know it has been tough. It's like I can't get away from it.

Tbear I'm the only one at work that does not have a child. And there are four right now that are pregnant. Trust me, the worst part was when one of them came in to say they hoped my surgery went well then turned to the person next to me and said hey congrats on getting pregnant. I wanted to slap that person. I'm like you couldn't wait to do that until I left the room?? So yes it is a test and yes it sucks.

I love babies I don't care whose they are but I can't stand pregnant women tho. I get angry wham I see them. I know it's wrong but its true. I could sit and hold an infant all day long.

My husband didn't want to go to counseling either so I went on my own. It was nice to have someone go through thoughts with and she suggested I wrote a journal and that was helpful I felt. I couldn't be happy for everyone being pregnant either, when i finally was it ended in a miscarriage. It was soo hard i understand what your going through. After our 8 years of fertility struggles it felt like a relief to have a hysterectomy then I couldn't try and hope and try and hope every month to much stress. There would be no way I could carry a baby to term with all the damage in there.
My husband is one of those guys that doesn't want to talk about his feelings and he is sooo slow in making life decisions like kids, marriage, buying a new car, moving you name it.... Hoping your man will come around