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insensitive husbands are the worst! insensitive husbands are the worst!

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  #1  
Unread 02-24-2004, 06:10 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

Hi everyone.

My nerves are very brittle today. I am going for some pre-surg tests today. I asked my husband before he left for work this morning if he was going to say anything supportive to me about my appointments. He had this dumb look on his face and said something to the effect that he was already taking 8 days of his PTO (Personal Time Off) for this thing and he sure hoped that I remembered that when I wanted to go on vacation.... WELL....to be honest this all made my blood boil. Here I am battling a disease...let's be honest....everyone in the world thinks we are whiners and having a few cramps. I wish that I could sit back and plan a vacation...but the fact of the matter is.....this is not going away on its own. All of the praying and medication and heating pads in the world will not take care of this problem. Anyway the conversation continued and he said that IF I WANTED HIM TO GO WITH ME...I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO ASK...which really made me mad because six weeks ago when the appointment was made I left him several messages on his voicemail, sent an email and asked him to go with me...He responded by saying that he would check his schedule and let me know later. Later never came! Needless to say this morning's events have added insult to injury. How do you respond to people? I really don't feel like I should be made to feel guilty about him taking some time off to care for his wife of 16 years should I??????? Isn't what marriage is all about????????? I would definately do the same for him. He has a 2 week trip overseas planned for the end of the month. I hope I heal quickly!!!!! I guess I should go get ready for my day. Thankfully, I have a good friend who has driven me around for the last week (heavy pain meds) who offered to take me today or I would be even more of a nervous wreck. What should I do about my husband???? I am seriously thinking of hiring an at-home nurse to take care of me when I come home so that he doesn't have to. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I don't know where I will go from here.

Julie
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  #2  
Unread 02-24-2004, 06:30 AM
hi julie

i dont think hes insensitive,,,he is just plain scared. my hubby for the first time last nite gave me one of those looks too,,and was a little testy about nothing actually. I figured i just chalk it up to they r just as nervous as we are about this upcoming surgery.
dont be too hard on him,,he is just realizing u r not superwoman
and cant do it all,,,try and talk things out w/him b4 all this...the mere fact he is taking all the time off to be w/u is way of comforting u....i know its just pre jitters surgery and this too shall pass and he will be there for u,,,heck the most sensitive man can be a jerk when they dont know what to do for us,,,they just arnt used to seeing us likethis now,,,and we do have something legitiment to complain about,,and now they see it and it hit finally hit themselves upside their pea size brain. lol

good luck and wishing u well
  #3  
Unread 02-24-2004, 06:42 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

i can relate although i am not married but have been with my dbf dor almost 4 years.

i don't think they understand or want to undertand because it is not something they in their macho world's can fix for us. I think they are scared yes but how about us, its us that go through it physically, not them.

I had my surgery in July of last year, he was there for me for the most part but did not go to any of my appts with me or preop appts or postop. For him it would have been easy he was self employed at the time so its not like he had to answer to anyone. He can take time off to fish or hunt but nothing that is important.

I am so sorry you are already dealing with this, hopefully as time draws near to your trip to the castle he will be better and be there for you when you come home. Let me tell you it is hard to not just get up and take care of things, I battled with myself big time. I do have a 13 year old dd who was a big help and hopefully you have friends and family that will be there when you need it!!!!

Lena pretty much hit it right on the button, once it gets to this stage and they see we are not just whining for nothing, it totally changes their attitude from ignorance to scared and possibly to anger because they can't fix it!!!!


Big hugs to you, I hate for anyone to have that added stress to an already very stressful and emotionally/physically drainging situation.

Let us know how things go, we here do understand!!!!



jody
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  #4  
Unread 02-24-2004, 06:43 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

((( Julie )))
I agree that it may be his own fears about what you're going through. Sometimes my DH tends to "not" see what scares him. If he doesn't see it, it's not there. Or it could be partly from the speed with which women are sometimes given hysts. There seems to be a "drive through hyst" attitude sometimes. My DH didn't understand the seriousness of the situation until I printed and presented him with a copy of the "Faqs for Family and Friends " that I found here. You can find it here:click here

I think that maybe you should let him know that you need to talk to him ( after you are calm yourself). Let him know how hurt you are about his attitude and why. 16 years of marriage means that you both have great feelings about each other IMO.

Best wishes.

s
  #5  
Unread 02-24-2004, 07:11 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

Thanks everyone for your prompt reply....I forwarded a copy of my post to my husband so that he would understand why I am so upset and he said his trip is not 2 weeks it is 8 days.....I just wanted to clarify this for everyone. Thanks. I am really feeling *****y today....
  #6  
Unread 02-24-2004, 07:21 AM
aww julie

big hugs to u,,,i will be in surgery the same day as u,,,and i do know how u feel today,,,i too feel crappy,,,im at work w/a heating pad and this alien is fighting w/me,,,i hurt so bad,,i finally broke down and took some pain pills,,,i cant win or fight this anymore,,,as u cant either,,,we have now succomb to this,,and our hubbys have to understand and they will,,they just have to
get passed that we r not superwomen and r defensless now,,
cant wait for surgery ,,wish it was sooner,,,best of luck,,,and things will go well,,,lets let out a big scream together to let this pain go for good...lol....
  #7  
Unread 02-24-2004, 08:38 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

I hear you. My husband and I were barely speaking to each other by the time my surgery came around. I was sooooo disgusted with him. I would tell him things and he'd ignore me, act like he hadn't heard, had the day of my surgery wrong, forgot it was an INPATIENT procedure. I could go on and on. I thought this is exactly what I need in a support person a man who doesn't seem to give a rat's butt other than this being a big inconvenience to him. We didn't say two words to each other on the way to the hospital. You wouldn't havve known we were together in the waiting area other than we were sharing a newspaper - no kiss before surgery, nothing. This after 17 years of marriage! Let's just say things were bad.

When I woke up after surgery he couldn't have been any better. I ended up in a very weird roommate situation which he handled - got me moved to a private room without my even mentioning it - I was way too out of it. Maybe it helped that I started crying and said stay with me I'm scared. I've never been in that helpless, I'm in pain situation before.

I don't know, I'll give you that men can be jerks but if mine came around there's hope for them all.
  #8  
Unread 02-24-2004, 08:41 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

Hey Everyone,

This is my first time repsonding. I want you to know my heart goes out to you! I was diagnosed with HPV which my "other" gave me. He told me his ex-wife had herpies as we were driving home from having cryo. We had been together two years at this point and planning to get married. He decided that he wasn't sure if he wanted to stick around if I ever got cancer. I have to say, he hung around and went to most of my appointments with me. After a year of abnormals, biopsies, cryo, and LEEP, it was time to get rid of this. I am waiting for my dr's nurse to call to make an appointment to have a TAH and anything else that may be learking. As for my situation, last October. I found unbelievable support from my friends, church, co-workers, and neighbors. I feel much better going through this knowing I am not alone. I don't know your husband, but sometimes men just don't get it because they don't have the same body parts or they are just plain jerks! What I know is you are a jewel and you need to take care of your needs! If he is scared, I hope the replies help him out. Remember, we are here for you!!

With many hugs and smiles,

winkie

Pending TAH
  #9  
Unread 02-24-2004, 09:31 AM
My husband has emotional problems

Before the hyst we were talking about a divorce I could not handle him not helping me in the support issue. Well surgery came and it took longer then normal hyst, that scare the living day lights out of him. He cannot express himself very well. The other day I was getting low on my pain meds, I am on them for other reasons not the hyst. Well he went to my doc and got a message to her and picked me up my meds. I was not able to get through to the nurses that I needed to speak with my doc, but some how he pulled through and the doc called me. My little sister is having the same surg in march and when she told me I was at a lost for words, it is a hard surgery and you are afraid to say anything to hurt the other person. My sister is a attorney with a big mouth and I said I don't know what words to tell you about your surgery, her replie was when I told her I had to have one she didn't know what to say either and she is a attorney she is use to speaking her mind. So keep yourself strong, you will need his help and when he see's that in his own eyes he too will come around. We women are very strong and we speak when we need help, men either fix's it or they crawl into there cave because they can't fix it. Hope this helps. Aloha Ellie
  #10  
Unread 02-24-2004, 10:59 AM
insensitive husbands are the worst!

Hi Julie,

I can tell you that some men just don't do well when they have to become caregivers. My husband had surgery in December. Now mind you I am the bread winner in the family and he has been off work since July last year. He helps me with my job (he's my assistant now). He is an electircian by trade and he has had the lap band surgery to lose weight so he can go back to work soon. I am scheduled for a LAVH on March 29th. I had regretfully made the comment that it will be nice to have some rest time and time off work. (We had agreed that he will go out in the field while I work in the office at home when I can sit at my desk long enough). Well he looks at me and said "what are you talking about! You will be working in 2 weeks and you don't need more than that!" He said that I only gave him 2 weeks of "pampering" and that is all I deserve. At that point my second head popped out from behind my left shoulder (this one has horns) and said "Excuse me, did you forget that you have been off work for almost a year. He changed his tune real fast! "Oh ya" he said. Anyways, my point is sometimes my husband forgets who takes care of him as well and he needs a little reminder now and then. I am sure your husband will rethink his feelings when you are in surgery and when you come out and he sees you for the first time. Don't be down because of it, just keep in mind he is a little boy trapped in a big body like the rest of them! Hope I made you feel better, Michelle
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