LAVH Recovery /Thinking about my children

I tried to explain my feelings to my spouse! I would have to say it was like speaking Chinese! Quite frustrating! I'm currently sitting in waiting room to see my doctor. With maybe 2 hours of sleep. And still emotional. I'm going to see what he suggest about anti depression meds. Yes ur absolutely right we do go threw stages...and it is something that took me by surprise!

SO glad I found HysterSisters when I did. SO glad I found this particular thread tonight, as I was reflecting on this very thing just this morning. Reading your stories made my heart heavy and uplifted me at the same time.

I was told my entire life that I could not have children. I had ovarian cysts and tons of scar tissue as a result. I trieda throughout the entire decade of my 20's, to no avail, to get pregnant. It took the first half of my 30's to finally come to terms with it and I worked hard at redefining myself to be something other than a mother. It was hard watching all my friends and female family members enjoy their motherhood. Sometimes I hid my bitterness and sometimes I was just downright ugly about it.

My first marriage ended and I was alone for several years. My mindset was that since I'd never be a mother, why even bother working hard at a meaningful relationship? Might as well just float through the rest of life without taking myself too seriously.

At 38 I met a wonderful man who proved to be my true soulmate. We got married and just 3 months later, I got pregnant. It ended in miscarriage, but the sheer joy and surprise at the fact that I was even able to conceive gave me a newfound elation and more HOPE than I'd ever experienced. My husband had a 24 year-old son and when we met, we had mutually agreed that it was perfect that he didn't want anymore kids, and since I couldn't have any... Just another reason why we were perfectly matched. I didn't think he'd want to try again after the miscarriage, but he showed me just how much he loved me by not only being willing to try again, but was very excited to give fatherhood another spin at 45!!

We tried for months and nothing happened, then just as I was about to give up, at 39 yrs old I got pregnant and carried to term a beautiful baby boy! During the 1st trimester, my OB/GYN found some "moderate" cervical dysplasia that she wanted to address very soon after delivering. The excitement of having my firstborn farrrr outweighed any sense of urgency on my part to worry about the state of my cervix.

After a perfect, drug-free, natural vaginal delivery, my first post-partum checkup was my doctor telling me that we were going to try to use laser surgery to get rid of these pesky pre-cancerous cells. We scheduled the surgery and I had another appointment a month later to discuss IUD options for afterwards.

Turns out - we find out I was pregnant, again!! We were shocked yet happy, and my doctor tsk-tsk'd me for not following her advice of preventing pregnancy before addressing the cervical issues. We clearly had to postpone treatment till after I delivered.

First ultrasound: TWINS!!! We almost passed out. Second ultrasound: TWIN GIRLS, sharing a placenta! At 40, and just 6 weeks after delivering my son, getting pregnant with twins was quite overwhelming. But I knew it was meant to be.

After delivering the twins 6 weeks prematurely by a very-difficult-to-recover-from c-section, my doctor was pestering me to get back on task with these cervical issues. She did another cervical scrape, didn't like the results, and scheduled a colposcopy. I felt irritated and put out ... I had recovered from the csection, spent nearly a month at the NICU unit with my twins, and was ready to just chill at home and enjoy my kids - I was sick of doctors and hospitals!!

The colposcopy brought more bad news: dysplasia went from moderate to severe, had spread to the upper part of my vagina, and although the biopsy came back as benign, it was spreading obviously and on the cusp of turning malignant. She wanted to do a total hysterectomy, and with the "C" word being thrown around so much, who was I to argue? I was devastated to think that something so tragic could possibly screw up what I considered to be my perfect dream, a son and twin daughters so late in life when I thought I'd never get to be a mother!

Sorry for the long-windedness of this post - it just really reminded me when I have fretted for the last 6 post-op days about this surgery how lucky I am to have been able to have kids before all this. I realize that this cervical dysplasia and the hysterectomy that followed could have hit before I had the chance to have created my perfect little family. I am SO grateful, and will NEVER take anything for granted....

Although my post-op pathology came back with NO invasive carcinoma found, I know I will always view this hystetectomy as a lifesaver, just due to the fact that the Universe postponed it until my children could arrive.

Wow!!!!! It took years to have my son and had aggressive lmp on cervix when pregnant!!

Ur story is truly inspirational!! With trials,tribulations, and being blessed with children. When i read your story I had chills. ('In a good way!) That is truly awesome