New, scared and falling apart

I am new here. A friend of mine, recommended this site, raving about the support she received here. I have been looking around, and I am glad that I came.

Here's the thing. I am scared to death! I am literally falling apart. I've been to my PC Dr and he put me on Xanax 2x a day to help relieve the anxiety and panic attacks! I had panic attacks years ago, but they went away and never came back until mid-Sept when my gyno told me I would most likely need a hyst. He scheduled the ultrasound and follow up apt. I left there that day and haven't been the same since.

I'm not sure why I am so scared, but I know I can list 100 reasons I want to cancel the surgery. My hubby is totally supportive and he is a good guy.. I know he will do anything to help me thru the surgery and post-op and recovery. The rest of the family is also on board and very supportive. So why am I scared?

Well surgery is surgery... and I promised myself after my failed back surgery in 2000 that I would NEVER have surgery again. I have been unable to work at all since 2002 and have lived in almost constant pain since 2000 with my back.

I have a history with cervical cancer, which fortunately was caught early, I believe it was called cervical dyplasia. I had cryosurgery and haven't had an abnormal pap since. but again, for some reason I have this dark cloud following me around calling DOOM out to me.

I am worried about the anesthesia, I am diabetic, and have high blood pressure (since I was in my early 20s Im 39 now)... I take alot of meds everyday for a multitude of health problems.

But, a few months ago, I started having unbearable back "spasms" that came on slow and would eventually lead to me being unable to walk upright for a day or two. Then viola! came my monthly and slowly the spasm would relieve and go almost completely away. The forth consecutive month, I went to see the gyno. This started just a month or two after my yearly.

I have had fibroids for many years. I've had cysts removed, and some treatment years ago to shrink the fibroids, but they have been growing over the years. I had a D&C and cyscoptomy? 3 years ago. It helped some. My uterus is "bulky" and there was an actual list of the fibroids the tech measured while doing the ultrasound. Recently, I have had a rectal prolapse, it's no fun! So the Dr and I discussed the options. I thought long and hard about it and felt he was right. A complete hysterectomy, leaving the ovaries was the right road. There are a couple of cysts on my ovaries he plans to remove, but feels they will be able to stay. He also believes, as do I, that it may help relieve alot of the back pain I have been suffering with. It all sounded so good.

Now, the date is set... and I am freaking out. I cry alot. I don't know why. I feel like I am falling apart and losing control of my life. I hate the thought of being confined in the hospital. The Dr told me if all went well I could go home the following morning. I don't believe him. I told him about these nasty panic attacks, and he assured me he wouldn't keep a moment longer than necessary .. but let's face it .. post op .. I'm stuck. Although I did sign myself out AMA the day after my back surgery.

I'm NOT afraid of the pain. I have a pretty good tolerance, and like I said, Im used to it... I think I am afraid of the unknown. My mother is 59 and has never had a hyst. nor has she gone thru menopause yet.. so I am feeling a little disadvantaged. I have a bizarre question relating to the removal of the cervix which I'm almost embarassed to ask!! In fact other than discussing it with hubby I haven't been able to ask anyone else. But it looks like this is THE place to do it .. so here goes.

I am having my cervix removed. I have read plenty about that, but nowhere did I see any mention of this "silly" little question. It's my understanding that the cervix is the lower part of the uterus, it is attached to the end of the vagina. When it is removed what is left there? Not to be too graphic, but hubby is well.. not small and during sex, I know he hits the "spot" (also evident by the number of lesions on my poor dented up cervix) after the surgery will it feel the same? And seriously, do they do anything to "replace" it? I hope no one thinks I'm being ridiculous, I am seriously worried about that.

When I asked hubby he jokingly made a total "man" remark .. something about wearing a parachute or something "just in case" but I didn't find any humor in it.

And if any of you take the time to read this entire rambling on post, I think you should be awarded a gold medal and if you can offer me any peace of mind I'd be glad to buy it for you

When your cervix is removed the surgeon has to sew a new closing to your vagina, where your cervix used to be. He sews the tops ends of your vagina shut to form the "new cervix" which is called the vaginal cuff. Your vagina shouldn't be any shorter and since I'm only 3 weeks post-op I can't tell you if you or hubby will notice the difference or not. Good luck to you!

If you read some posts in the post-op section you will find many questions/discussions regarding your question about cervix removal and sex/orgasms...stuff like that.

You need to try and relax and trust your doc. I know that is easier said than done espesially dealing with your health problems. Your worries and fear of the unknown are making you go crazy and that will not be good for your recovery at all.
I wish I could help you relax, but I think if you start reading some of the post op there are people out there that are very similar who can help you relax and feel better.
You know that this is the best thing to do and you never know it may alleviate some of your back pain. Having fibroids can be very painful especially large ones that push on other organs and such; not that I know anything about your situation...I guess I am just trying to help some.

Good luck to you and I hope you can try and relax some so that you can take care of yourself.

Yes, yes, many threads on cervix concerns, ovary issues... the gamut. If you do use this site, please know that there's nothing you can't or shouldn't put out there. These women rock.
Just as LadyBoiler, I'm only a couple of weeks out. But, from what I've read here and elsewhere, the incidence of women unhappy with sex after a hysterectomy is small. For the most part, there's a newfound freedom from the "bulk and pain" (I have this wonderful feeling now, too) that's hard to describe. And being able to put your fears behind you is rejuvenating. It seems most enjoy a better quality of life.
So ask away, and I'm sure you'll be reading more about orgasms, cervixes and poop than you ever thought possible!
Good luck, you will be fine.

I am trying very hard to trust. That has been getting harder and harder. I know that is a *mental* problem and best left for a different forum

Thank you for the info on the "cuff" that does answer that question. I'm glad I asked!

I know that my uterus can be almost laying on my lower back and causing increased pain, but anyone know if it can cause pain in the legs? For about the same time my back pain has been tripled I have also had increased pain and a nagging ache in my legs.

I'm thinking it probably can, but again, haven't seen any specifics.

I keep trying to look at the positives. No more monthly, and the hope of some pain relief. I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. I am scared I am going to talk myself out of doing what I know is the right thing.

Thank you both LadyBoiler and RunnerT for your replies.

Well now that I know what they do after removing the cervix, Im not so worried about the sexual part. Right now my sex drive is just about gone, since I always feel so awful and and most of the time when I do "give in" it hurts worse than anything. Im hoping all of that will improve.. and I bet Im not the only one!

I am sorry you are having such anxiety. I, personally, do not read on the post-op forums. I find them frightening. This is a site for women who need support. Most folks who have completely successful hysts do not feel the need for support anymore. It is the ones with further complications that seem to post on the post op board. Just my opinion, but I wouldn't go on the post op boards.

Hang in there! Everyone says waiting is the worst part. Ask all the questions you want! These are wonderful ladies.

It is completely normal to be afraid. It is important tp trust your doctor. But the best thing is to try and relax. I am having my surgery on Friday and this site has eased my mind SO much. There are great tips and hints and you really are not alone at all!! So take some deep breaths literally, a nice hot bath, and know that you may be on the road to feeling so much better all the way around. Sometimes I think we almost wait too long before having this done and go through more crap during the trials, trying to see what will work. Good luck to you!!

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Originally Posted by AHart436 Well now that I know what they do after removing the cervix, Im not so worried about the sexual part. Right now my sex drive is just about gone, since I always feel so awful and and most of the time when I do "give in" it hurts worse than anything. Im hoping all of that will improve.. and I bet Im not the only one!

You're not the only one, dear. Not by a long shot. Hang around here long enough and you'll see how many women are in the same boat you are: scared, freaking, distrustful of the medical process, and tired of having their lives destroyed by their own bodies.

We are all reassured when our sisters return from their surgeries, happily telling us how much better they feel, how easy the surgery was, and even giving us hints on what pitfalls to avoid.

We'll all have our crying jags, nest, panic, take our bowel preps with good spirits, swallow our fears and take a nice nap. Keep the tissues handy.

Lena

I have had several surgeries. Starting at age 11. A total of lets see 9 surgeries. I don't know what is different this time. When I had my D&C in 2004 the Dr warned me I might wake up missing a thing or two. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. Of course that was all done vaginally, no cutting, but had he decided to remove anything who knows. All of the pathology came back fine, so I really have no worries of cancer at this point .. so I have to wonder why this is turning out to be so traumatic for me. I have been aware of these fibroids and endo for years and years.. and for the most part nothing has changed except the fact they have grown so much and now I have pretty severe symptoms.

I know my hormones are a mess. There's no doubt. Ahhh wait, that's probably me answering my own question.

I am so glad that I came here. You are ALL so helpful. I am feeling a bit better with every reply, every post and every thread I read.

Maybe I will even be able to call my mother this afternoon and tell her I have changed my mind and will go through with the surgery. Last night I told her I was cancelling and I know she was very upset with me.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. Im sure I'll be here everyday for awhile.