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dh just doesn't get it.
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07-19-2003, 10:03 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 72
Hysterectomy: August 13th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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dh just doesn't get it.
He seems to think everything should be just ducky. I'm getting my surgery and everything should be just fine. and I really have nothing to be concerend about until it happens.. so I should just go on living life as I have been and not give it a second thought. We actually got in a fight in the middle of having sex last night because he didn't think i was into it enough...and haven't been the last 5 times we did it.. ( I wasn't aware there was a tally sheet ) he says I have been withdrawn and distant.. ( not in those words but i know what he was getting at) Go figure.. I'm facing one of the biggest decisions in my life and I'm a bit preoccupied... So I told him that i was scared to death.. his response.. what's to be scared of.. sheesh.. well.. I'm 34 yrs od and facing surgical menopause.. what's that going to do to my sex drive.. I have a 30 yr old husband who likes sex.. and If I have no sex drive.. then what.. is he going to go and find some fresh 18 yr old with a raging sex drive to fulfill him since I can't? what if it never feels the same? and what if it still hurts even after everything's removed? and what happens if this makes me MORE psycotic rather than less? ( he says this can't be possible.) and what happens after i get home from surgery and I have no one to help me because he's mad at me because I can't get up and do anything for myself? what if I'm dropped off at the castle and left alone up there until it's time to come home? what if I never wake up? What's going to happen to my kids? I though he was being supportive because I didn't hear any complaints.. Lord, after last night I'm even more afraid than i was before.. and to make matters worse.. I'm not sure if this is really how I'm feeling or if the hormonal rollercoaster is just taking that 90 degree drop at 180 miles per hour back into the hormone jungle..
I wish the pillow police and the dragons with the smelly breath would just hurry and come and take me to the castle to see the king.
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07-19-2003, 10:11 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 28
Hysterectomy: July 23rd, 2003
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dh just doesn't get it.
Oh Tammy, I'm so sorry, and wish I could give you a real hug rather than these cyber ones!!!
I think ALL--husband, fear, hormones, fear, hormones, hormones, husband...ALL are contributing to your emotions and thoughts. I KNOW for sure my hormones and fears make my thoughts and feels seems out of control!!
I don't know the answer, but I'm guessing you won't be left at the castle alone; and, I'm guessing you WILL indeed wake up, and, life will go on...but I do understand your questions!!
I know the other women here have much good things to say...but I just had to let you know I will stop now and say a prayer for you. I believe God hears our cries and does carry us through.
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07-19-2003, 10:36 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 926
Hysterectomy: September 23rd, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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dh just doesn't get it.
Tammy,
I have been where you are and my DH is 3 yrs younger than me also. They don't have the fear that we do when it is not their bodies that are being affected. However, when it comes down to crunch time I would bet that your DH will not only be at the castle with you he will go out of his way to make sure you are taken care of there and at home. Most men don't like to think that far in advance (it taxes their brains to much ). If your DH is anything like mine even though he likes sex it is not what defines your relationship. Your fears are normal and your hormones right now are not helping the issue. While my DH is very supportive he does not want to think of the what ifs and would prefer not to know what is envolved in the procedure. Having him watch the TAH online was like I asked him to see a man have is testicles cut off. It really was pretty funny considering he watches all the gory movies without flinching. He has endured all my mood swings and yes he has made commets that I would have liked to hammer him for. The best thing for you to do right now is not worry about anyone else says right now, just concentrate on what you need to do to get ready for your big day. Everything else will fall into place.
s
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07-19-2003, 10:56 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 1,340
Hysterectomy: September 3rd, 2003
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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dh just doesn't get it.
Tammy
I'll just bet he's as worried as you are, but tries not to think about it. I've noticed that mine will stay frantically busy in an attempt to not think about things. He will then get upset with me if I do or say something that reminds him about the unpleasant stuff he's trying not to think of. I guess it makes sense in an odd way, but it just doesn't make us feel very supported sometimes.
I'm sure he'll be right there for you. Don't lose your faith in him. Remember most of the bad things we worry about never happen.
s
Cat
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07-19-2003, 11:00 AM
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Guest
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dh just doesn't get it.
(((((Tammy)))))
I'm sure everyone's emotions are running high right now...and although your husband can't admit it..I'm sure he's as scared as you are.
My husband's mood swings have become as up and down as mine...He even has lower back pain and his stomach is all upset...
LOLOL....it cracks me up!
I have been reading all the posts for about a month now and everyone says that sex is as good, if not better...so try to put that fear out of your mind....
As for someone being there for you....I believe in my heart that DH will be.....Try to stay focused on the present...and know that
my prayers along with many others are with you.
hugggs,
LA
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07-19-2003, 11:13 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 125
Hysterectomy: July 2nd, 2003
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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dh just doesn't get it.
Can you ask your doctor to refer the two of you to a couples counselor? I think it would help a lot if you had a mediator who let you get your worries and fears out in the open.
It sounds as though your DH is so deep into denial that he just can't hear you, which is driving you even more crazy. It's an ugly spiral, and it will take a course correction to get out of it.
Please ask your doctor for a referral. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of counseling, then pick up a copy of Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Connection" and read about ways to communicate difficult issues with a partner.
Good luck to you ....
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07-19-2003, 09:34 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 72
Hysterectomy: August 13th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Thank you
all for your support.. it is well received.. to all I wish too you could hug me.. and I wish I could return the gesture..
as for couples counseling.. we already go.. and church.. I'm thinking I just need to relax and let him deal with this in his own manner.. and he's right.. since the news of the TAH my sex drive has been.. non exhistant...
and you're right.. he can't even decide what he wants for supper until I'm standing in the kitchen giving him an ultimatum..
God bless you all.. it is a wonderful feeling to know I'm not going through this totally alone..
to you my "sisters" I'm glad to have you close at hand.
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07-20-2003, 01:16 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 71
Hysterectomy: June 9th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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dh just doesn't get it.
Sweetie, I know where you are coming from! I'm going to be 50 Tuesday and my DH is 40. Yes, I was quite fearful about all you mentioned with the exception of the children as my youngest son is almost 22. Trust me, he knows as well as you the problems that you've had with your sex life. He probably just doesn't know how to address it and with the hormonal rollercoaster, we do tend to take it very personally. Bless his heart, my DH was so sweet about the lack of sex. Who the heck feels like it when they are either hurting prior, during or after, afraid of bleeding or just plain don't feel sexy anymore. I would be willing to bet if we were to have kept track, we would be lucky to have been able to make love less than a dozen times in the past year due to the afore mentioned problems and other medical issues. We have taken to joking about it. We went to a friend's house a while back and she was fixing some dessert for their kids and asked my sweetie if he wanted some. His answer was "What's THAT?" everyone just laughed. I thought after my TAH/BSO that he didn't care because he had kept me at arm's distance but bless his heart, after I got him to talk, he thought that if he did love up on me that I might get excited and that might hurt me. Men don't even know about their bodies really how would they know about ours? Of course there is no real evidence to bear out that theory but, that is my opinion!
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07-20-2003, 09:07 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 102
Hysterectomy: June 27th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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dh just doesn't get it.
Donna,
do you have the website or link where you watched the TAH online? One of my friends is sitting here with me, she is having one done in Sept and wants to see it. I'd appreciate it if you could let us know where to find a video of the TAH surgery! Thanks!
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07-20-2003, 09:32 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 926
Hysterectomy: September 23rd, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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dh just doesn't get it.
Karmeg,
check your email I just sent you the site you requested.
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